worried about grand children

[eeyaa]

Adult daughter with BPD. Great SIL. Chance of her harming kids to get him to come home from golf? He and my husband go sometimes and she says someone was in yard, hides his putter, cancels golf channel. Gets mad if he takes too long at store, etc. She sleeps alot and we live 3 houses away so we keep kids as much as possible.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[satahal]

Eeyaa,

Sorry you're going through this - that must be incredibly scary to think your daughter might harm your grandkids.

How old are the kids? Can you have a frank discussion with them in terms of a safety plan? Do they have cell phones yet? Does your SIL understand her diagnosis and is he worried also?

S

[livednlearned]

Hi eeyaa,

That must be comforting to have a wonderful SIL, especially in light of your daughter's worrisome behavior (and also having you be so close, which also sounds like a plus for the grandchildren). How does SIL respond when she needs constant reassurance? Does he know his wife has BPD?

I'm glad you reached out. Please tell us more when you feel ready.

LnL

[AVR1962]

This is hard. My BPD daughter has 3 children and her husband is great with her and the kids. He is the one to takes care of the cooking and much of the cleaning. The kids now 9-15 are now responsible for most everything else. When the kids were small I worried about them too. Family told me stories of them not being fed and living in utter filth. I daughter sits and watches TV and texts friends and old boyfriends but she takes on no responsibility. Her kids have been more of a support system for her rather than her being the care taker for them. At one point family talked about doing an intervention with daughter but then backed off. Another time a family member felt Social Services needed to get involved and many of the family felt like daughter's children should be removed from the home. I did make the call to SS and I spoke with a person there expressing my concerns for what I was being told. I have not lived near my daughter but family members were picking up a lot for her to try and help. I wondered if my daughter was suffering from depression and I wanted to know if there was any way they could help. The person at SS told me that just because a person does not clean their house or feed their children to another's person's standards doesn't mean that the kids are being neglected. It did make me think. Was I placing my standards on my daughter and were the kids okay? SS went out to the house and gave her 24 hours to clean up the house. Why, I have no idea. My daughter was in a rage and I do understand but had she been taking care of the kids in the first place no one would have been called and she would not have had this on her hands. My family was supportive of the call. My SIL's family was not and SIL's mom even felt this was part of my daughter's problem... .that she didn't have a support system.  So you see everyone has a different take and I cannot help bu think that part of the mothr-in-laws response was based on things my daughter had already filled her ear with.

Since all this I have talked to a couple different counselors about this incident and both agreed with me about calling SS. Not that I felt her children needed to be taken away, more so that they could get help. A point that one counselor made is that before the age of 7 or 8 kids are very dependent on their parents for pretty much all their needs. After that point though they are capable of getting their food and clothing themselves or taking a shower, etc. They will adapt to their surroundings and they will learn to live with what they are given. What I have seen of my grandchildren is they have done just that. Family make comments what a tragedy it is that they have had to be so responsible but it is okay. What I feel is more of a tragedy is that they have become mommy's comforters, they want to make her happy and that is sad.

Your SIL has to figure out what to do about his wife as far as her games, don't get involved in that. You might see thru it and if he is willing to play the game that is up to him.

My mom had issues when I was young too and what I can say is my sister and I became very responsible adults. I spent a great deal of time with my mom's parents, my Gma was like my second mom... .she was the person I received unconditional love from so that is something to think about. I am so thankful for the role she played in my life, my mother was simply unavailable.