Stepson is showing BPD signs like his mother

[ATXSmiths]

We do not have a formal diagnosis, but have high suspicion that my stepson comes from a mother and grandmother who display signs of borderline personality disorder.   My two kids and I came into their lives when he was just under 7 years.  He is now 13.  I recognized the ex wife's behaviors right away, as my oldest sister has always fit the symptoms for BPD as well.  For years I pointed out the reality of the situation to my husband and how worried I was for his son.  My husband would act like I was just wanting to gossip and made such conversations into a competition between my son and his by suggesting I was putting his son down.  It was infuriating, since I sincerely care for this boy.  It came down to me nagging and feeling alone in this fight for this kid for years to even get him into a counselor this year.  She has proven to lack the knowledge necessary for our son and my husband finally agreed.  Regardless of a diagnosis/title the fact remains that he has been raised in a household full of pathological lying, altered realities, self infliction/munchausens, narcissism, entitlement, being socially stagnated, emotional abuse, etc. I have several examples and they are first hand experiences as I have taken the bait more than once when his mother decides I am a great person and I am suddenly her best friend.   Until I can no longer take her constant lies about cancer, make calls when she admits herself to the hospital for self-inflicted wounds, I make blunt statements that correct her lies, etc. does she knock me off her best friend list.   I thought that be being her friend, she would make things less complicated for my stepson and would stop lying about us to everyone she encountered.  She even went as far as going on national tv on a reality show and lied about having cancer and stated her ex husband left her.  Neither are true and she had an affair on him.  These are just some of the lies our son has had to hear.  Unfortunately, being the stepmom I could do very little but "nag" until my husband chose to see how this environment will (and now has) affected his son.  When our son was younger he would speak like a baby, urinate and defecate his pants and not bring it to our attention until we smelled it, he always acted entitled, started early in using lies, and lacked skills common for his age.  He was not only crowned the prince for being mommy's ally, but it was obvious he became her crutch.  She has resided with her mother for years and it also became apparent grandma is also sick.  Until this year, he resided with them during the school week.   Additionally, he and his mother have allied on several lies to keep things from us or so he could stay home from school, protect his mom, etc.

Even though our son is with us on a full time basis, he is now 13 and it appears my past concerns were valid. His father can no longer deny there is need for concern either.  Our son makes lying part of his daily routine, no matter how minor or insignificant. Every situation that is not in his favor turns into a very dramatic, traumatic, inaccurate situation that paints him as the most victimized person you ever met.   Or he acts like a small child and fake cries.   He latches onto people, conforms to them and acts like he is best friends with them, but dismisses them just as easily.  He came home with bright red hair and my oldest daughter noticed self inflicted cuts on his legs this weekend. We knew something was off, so we checked his phone and discovered he is lying to all of his friends about random things.  Additionally,  it was discovered he is obsessed with an uninterested girl online who has bright red hair and is "emo" (for lack of a better word- I know the kids use this term).  In other messages he was utilizing her catch phrases and demeanor with his other friends.  In one message with his mom he was working himself into paranoia claiming everyone hated him and how horrible he is, simply because his friend did not want to play with him.  He was once very close with the neighbor girl, but appeared to prey on her by telling her horrible things that never happened, such as fabricating a friend's suicide.  The neighbor girl called and told me this weekend that he suddenly cut her off and has been mean to her.  She said over the school year he told her he wanted to kill himself, was not eating, threatened to hurt himself with a knife, hurts himself with rubber bands, etc. She said it was also confusing because the days he would say these things he appeared happy at school, not mention he said he did not eat but she saw him giving his lunches to his friends. 

We do not know how to confront this head on, as we know confronting him is exhausting and we are not sure if it is the right thing to do or what/if we should be punishing lies. He also has a habit of projecting and blames his friends and my younger son for doing things he does.  Another trait of his mother.

We are now at a point that we don't know what to do.  We feel we have failed him, we are afraid of enabling him, we don't know the right way to discipline this behavior, we are worried any effort will be a wasted since his mother is still involved, we are worried he will hurt himself really badly if this girl online eventually tells him to leave her alone, we feel bad for looking in his phone but felt we had to, we worry about him trying to attempt suicide, we worry he will follow a bad crowd, if it is too late to break these habits, how much is biological and not breakable, etc.  We have not told him we looked in his phone and have not confronted him this weekend.  I told my husband we needed to find someone qualified to deal with these things since confronting him has not worked.  We recognize he is hurting but do not know what boundaries we can safely put in place or what we need to do to help him and show him we love him.  We also wonder if we should be fearful for our own safety to some degree, since we were totally unaware of his tendency to hurt himself, how much he lied and how he scared his friend with talk of suicide. 

I have emailed some therapists in our city who work with BPD adolescents as wells as dbt, but have not gotten return calls or they are not taking new clients. 

Sorry this is so long, but we really are beside ourselves right now and we hate he feels so horrible about himself.  We do not know what we should do in the immediate until we find a good therapist either. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi ATXSmiths,

Welcome to bpdfamily  

It's hard to watch this mental illness manifest -- you noticed early that something was off, and now he's full into adolescence and struggling to cope, mostly in maladaptive ways. You must feel relieved that your husband finally noticed something was wrong. This way you are not alone, although I agree it can be challenging when the other parent is BPD is working at cross-purposes.

What kind of relationship do you have with your stepson? What is the custody schedule like and how much time does he spend with you?

Lying is a real challenge, and although they do it as a way to manage the excruciating shame they feel, it does take a toll on relationships. Is he willing to do DBT? Does he seem to acknowledge that there is a problem?

I'm glad you posted and shared what you're going through. And I hope you hear back from someone who works with BPD adolescents.

Have you read Blaise Aguirre's book about BPD in Adolescence? I found that very helpful, especially the emphasis on validation as a core communication skill.

LnL

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, ATXSmiths, and I'd like to join livednlearned in welcoming you to this site

I agree with her recommendation for the book by Blaise Aquirre: Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents, and there is also a video that you would find informative: Video--Adolescence and Borderline Personality Disorder.

We do not know what we should do in the immediate until we find a good therapist either. 

I know how frustrating, scary and painful it is when we see our child have self-destructive and troubling behaviors and feelings, not really knowing how to help. Everyone on the Parenting Board can commiserate with you on that; the stress and sadness can be overwhelming at times. I think that some helpful things you can do while waiting for a good Therapist for your son is to read the book recommended, check out the video at the link, and also to check out all of the links to the right-hand side of this page.

The TOOLS and THE LESSONS would be very informative for you--they explain the way your stepson's mind works, and how to communicate with him in ways that don't push every one of his buttons. The knowledge you can glean on this site is so valuable, and knowledge is power... .Please let us know what you think of this information, and ask any questions you may have; we really want to help you, ATXSmiths 

[ATXSmiths]

He now spends the entire school year with us, alternating on weekends with his mom (and her mom).  During the summer they switch every other week. 

My step son and I should have a closer relationship, but I was always afraid of pushing myself on him knowing that his mother was always making up ludicrous lies about me and his dad.  That does fall on me, but it was 8 years of dealing with the drama I married into.  I did not know if I would make it worse or not.  Hopefully I can gain some skills once things start rolling along as far as showing him affection like I do my other kids. 

We did confront him back when he lied about his friend's suicide.  It took a few lies, changing up his story, etc. before he admitted to his dad he lied.  He put on the fake tears for me, but I held that kid instead.  I told him I was not mad at him, that I loved him and that I suspected he was needing attention.  He admitted to being afraid of losing his friends because of his lies.  That one surprised me.  My husband did end up talking about his mom more bluntly and told him she is sick and we wanted to make sure he was okay too and we needed to take him to a psychiatrist.  My husband also told him his mother does not have cancer and every time she claims she does, to remember she is fine.  I did not want him to think we were bashing his mom so I let him know his mom loves him very much, even though she is sick.  I also told him I always fought for him and always worried about him, but that I should have told him I love him more often.  I also told him that I would never take the place of his mom, but that I love him like my other 3 kids.  That was 2 or 3 months ago.