Kind of collaborative - any thoughts?

[takingandsending]

I originally posted on this board with questions about collaborative legal divorce. Based on what I learned, I don't believe that is the best approach. My situation: married 16 years, S9 and S4 with my uBPDw.

After an argument last night, my wife opened the door to us separating. She is unwilling to consider it because of the kids. This also gives me pause, but I believe I (at least) will be a better parent for my sons out of this RS. Does anyone here have any experience with staying with the BPD partner while trying to move toward separation and divorce? My aim is two-fold. 1) I need time to document the time I spend taking care of my sons to have a proven record ready to go. 2) I want to give at least some time to my sweet and sensitive S4 before we are looking at separate households. Am I best keeping all of this to myself, or discussing any of it with my wife?

I want a collaborative process, but being open may just bring out the dysregulation. My wife is a stay at home mom who is starting her own business. We are moving toward separating our finances. It would be so helpful to understand how two households would look and feel financially, but I don't know how to do this with her. Any ideas out there?

And, yes, you can point out pitfalls in my reasoning. I want to be careful, and I still do care about her well being as well as my own. The kids however trump us, and I am most concerned about them.

[Matt]

Lots of stuff... .

Well first I think it's important to be sure what you really want to do, and then plan accordingly.  And once you decide that the marriage can't be saved, continuing to live together can be very stressful.  Your wife will probably sense that you aren't committed to the marriage, and things may get worse fast.  In many cases like yours, there are accusations - I was accused of assaulting my wife and had to prove she was lying.  So I would certainly encourage you to have a plan so you won't be living together before giving her any indication that you have decided to end the marriage.

Telling young kids is another huge subject.  I discussed this with my wife and our counselor - we had already separated and tried counseling to fix the marriage, and when that broke down, we discussed how to tell my kids (then 8 and 10, and stepkids 17 and 29).  The counselor looked at me and said, "I think you need to tell them, one at a time."  I looked at my wife and she was nodding;  I guess she realized that she couldn't do it well.  So I thought about the best way to tell each kid - starting with the oldest - and sat with each of them - no distractions - and told them, "Your mom and I are not going to be married anymore.  But I'll still be your dad, and you'll spend lots of time with me."  They had fewer questions than I expected - practical stuff like "Will we still take the same bus to school?".  It went pretty well.

One more topic is an attorney - do you have one yet?  Choosing an attorney who has experience with BPD can help you a lot.  And I think it's very important to tell your attorney what your objectives are;  many attorneys assume that dads only want "EOW" (every other weekend) with the kids, so if that's not what you think will be best, the time to tell him that is the first time you meet.  You need an attorney who knows how to deal with situations like this, and from what I've seen most don't.