BPD mother

[hastings1066]

Hello

I'm looking for some advice.

My mother has recently been diagnosed with BPD. I've been in a position where dealing with both my parents has always been difficult and as an adult (in my 30s and married) I only dealt with them when I had to.  Just to add here that my close friend is a psychiatric nurse and  suspects that my father is narcissistic.

4 years ago I had my first and only child. Since then my mother has become more intolerable.  When I told her the news about my pregnancy she made bitter comments and didn't contact me for 6 weeks. She also competed with my pregnancy with how much worst hers was and how bad the sickness was. I was ill during my pregnancy and had to have an emergency c section 9 weeks early.

In the early days I let her babysit but she would not follow direction and routines and my child wouldn't eat anything there so I only left her with my mother for 2 hours each time so that I could deal with the feeding. I did at the time put it down to fussy eating but her other grandparents were able to get her to eat lots and lots. Must mention here we are on supervised visits only now and will continue to do so now that I know she has BPD.

I feel like she sees me as a threat to her 'ownership' of my daughter, she gets very jealous of my in laws looking after my child despite they live abroad and don't see her as often. I don't prevent visits or access but I do supervise.

Has anyone had any similar issues with BPD mothers and their grandchildren?

My mother is currently trying to destroy happy occasions, Xmas, Easter, birthdays by with holding my child's presents etc.

Thanks for reading, I appreciate any input!

[Klo]

Not with grandchildren specifically, but I definitely know what you mean as far as being jealous and possessive. When either my brother or I ever tried dating, my mother would become extremely dark of mind and mood and try to manipulate us against our significant others. Right now my brother is engaged and happily so, and my mother frequently tries to manipulate him into calling off the engagement. My mother in the past when I dated would always make it out like I had to choose between her or having a boyfriend. When my first boyfriend died, she seemed very creepily happy about it. When I had my second boyfriend, my mother didn't want to speak to me for almost 2 years and one day while I was trying to mend things with her, she screamed at me that I had abandoned her for my boyfriend. She was projecting because she abandoned me twice for boyfriends when I was a teenager, so she was parentifying me and projecting at the same time when she screamed at me. My cousin whom my mother feels closer to recently found out she was pregnant, and my mother was sending her mean and judgemental texts (when my mother is normally very nice to this cousin).

So I can relate a lot to having a mother who is very insecure and possessive, and who acts like everything is a matter of choosing sides. I don't really have any answers since everyone's situation is different and everyone with BPD is still unique. My own mother seems to come down off the ledge eventually these days once she can confirm that she will receive the same amount of attention and love even if someone has new people in their life.

[Kwamina]

Hi hastings1066

My mother has recently been diagnosed with BPD.

What led up to your mother getting diagnosed? Is she getting any kind of treatment or therapy for her BPD?

And what are your mother's behaviors that you find most difficult to deal with? You mention her jealousy and possessiveness which are indeed very unpleasant traits, are there also other behaviors you find troubling?

I was ill during my pregnancy and had to have an emergency c section 9 weeks early.

Sorry to read you had such a difficult pregnancy. This was four years ago, how are you and your child doing now? I hope all is well.

Must mention here we are on supervised visits only now and will continue to do so now that I know she has BPD.

It's sad that it has to be this way but I think you've made a very wise decision to only allow supervised visits. Having boundaries and also enforcing them is very important when dealing with a BPD parent. Boundaries help protect your own well-being and in this case your daughter's too.

I feel like she sees me as a threat to her 'ownership' of my daughter, she gets very jealous of my in laws looking after my child despite they live abroad and don't see her as often. I don't prevent visits or access but I do supervise.

This could very well be true that she sees you as threat to 'her ownership' of your daughter. What also could be true is that your mother sees your daughter as a threat as well. Instead of you (and others) giving your mother all your attention she perhaps might feel that now your daughter is getting the attention that she wants for herself. It could perhaps be that this also sparks certain irrational fears of abandonment in your mother.

[hastings1066]

 

My mother was initially diagnosed during another one of her stays in a psychiatric hospital, suicide attempt (I'm afraid she does these in front of people then asks for an ambulance). The psychiatrist told her the 'suicide attempt' was to teach people a lesson. She is not happy with a BPD label! The last suicide attempt was triggered by the fact that when she called us Xmas day we were taking the dog out for a walk and she assumed my daughter was at her other grandparent's house!

The traits are numerous, as a child I thought it was normal, during my teens I saw through the 'dramatics' and was annoyed with her, as an adult I just don't deal with it. The traits include, but are not limited to, shouting, screaming, extremely bad language,  self harm, violence towards non competent adult (my dad), phoning Samaritans in full view of the family, wetting herself and smashing household objects. Not pleasant! There's more but I'll stop for now!

My child and myself are very well now, thank you for asking, the pregnancy and birth were very unpleasant though, I did lose some weight with the sickness at the start.

You know, I have wondered if she sees my child as a threat to her attention but dismissed it as it is such a negative thing to consider, but I suppose it is possible after all a young, baby/child automatically demands so much attention. Maybe it was the same with me as a child too. To be honest it's quite a frightening thought and really does help to remind me to keep boundaries and to continue supervision of visits. My goodness, I think I'll have think back to possible situations where she could have seen her one and only grandchild as a threat. I suppose with holding her gifts at Easter/Xmas/birthdays could be part of that... .She picks a big row with my dad on the days they are supposed to be bringing the presents to our house and then comes up later in the day unannounced showing her distress and unhappiness.

How complicated!