My daughter's anger is escalating and I'm frightened

[rosie0523]

My daughter, 47, has been sick since her late teens.  She lives with her SO and their son, 11, my grandson.  She can't hold a job, has no friends, has alienated her family.  She is completely self centered, nasty if you don't go along with what she thinks or says.  No normal conversations are possible, everything turns back to herself.  She is on medication and has seen counselors off and on since she was 13.  She won't stay with any program.  Sometimes she thinks there's something wrong with her but mostly she thinks everyone else is the problem, if she was just treated right everything would be fine.  Two days ago there was an issue at home about their dog biting a neighbor's dog while the two dogs were playing in the neighbors house.  It happens, two small dogs.  My GS was at my house.  My DD calls me, very dramatic, long lead in, how should she tell her son about this terrible incident.  She loves drama.  My suggestion was not to tell him at all.  My GS has Crohn's disease, he lives with constant chaos and stress, their own dog was fine, the other dog was going to be fine, why upset him.  She could hardly contain herself, she absolutely had to tell him, then proceeded to have a hushed discussion with him. After, she told me she thought I had some mental issues because of the way I thought, I didn't answer, she hung up on me.  She then got into a frightening row with her SO because he didn't want to get into it.  She got into his face, screaming, spitting, punching, every name in the book.  She has hit him before.  He had to restrain her thinking she would really hurt him.  She ran out of the house screaming that he was trying to kill her.  She called me hysterically crying that he was trying to kill her and she was going to call the police and she was coming over to get her son. That as her mother I should be on her side.  She calmed down after 15 minutes after talking to an out of state friend who accepts my daughter's views, that everyone else is the problem. 

This morning, she left a pleasant message as though nothing had ever happened. 

Since she has been with her SO, 12 years, she has never said a good word about him (that's no exageration).  He has stayed, cares very much for their son, pays all the household bills.  He has given her money, I have given her thousands, she has inherited thousands. She spends any money before she even gets it.  Hundreds of dollars in overdraft fees.  She is constantly saying she wants to move out but can't save a penny.  Then she cries hysterically.

This type of thing has been going on for over 30 years but it seems to be getting worse.  I'm going to be 69, I'm exhausted, I'm on meds for anxiety, meds to help me sleep, meds for GERD.  She inserts herself into every day of my life.  She used to call 7, 8 times a day.  I thought I was being supportive, she was so miserable and unhappy.  Now it's 2 or 3 times a day and I often don't pick up.  At night I turn off my phone. 

I have tried everything, I'm terribly concerned about the effect on my GS, her SO is beside himself, I am getting frightened. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi rosie0523,

I'm so sorry that you are being worn down like this.  It can be emotionally exhausting to try to keep track of the ups and downs and worry about it all.

Are you frightened because you think her SO may end their relationship and what the fallout might be?

I know you are scared for your gson and how all of this is affecting him.  How does he cope with the hysteria and drama?  Are you his escape and support resource?

Finding a way to bring calm to these situations with your daughter can help ease her away from the extremes.  Have you tried validating her when she is upset ?  Has it helped?

lbjnltx

[rosie0523]

Thank you so much for your interest.  In my personal opinion my daughter should be living alone.  I would contribute for her to have a place to live before I would have her live in my home as she creates such an atmosphere of tension, discomfort, chaos daily.  She does love her son, but could not cope 7 days a week.  It could be worked out, they are talking about it and now she is all excited.  She is like a child who is going to get a new toy, calling me about this cute place and that cute place.  Although she did manage to live alone many years ago she now seems to lack any comprehension of the responsibility involved.  If she can keep her current job it could work out.  She has been there, without issue, for over five months.  This is a first for her, she has over 60 very short time jobs on her resume. 

I worry for my GS because he has had Crohn's for over two years, which is made worse by stress.  He is very defensive of his mother and has been verbally putting down his dad, something his mother does all the time.  He mimics his mother who sneers, is nasty, blames, complains about everyone.  I've noticed this for the past month or so.  When he does this when he's here I'll turn and look at him and I think I see him catch himself.

He has trouble in school with the kids, teachers and the work.  His mother blames the kids and the teachers.  There is no normality.

He can be here with me as often as works for them, I just cannot cope with my daughter anymore.  Have I tried validating, yes.  I have spent thousands of hours listening, sympathizing, calming over the years.  If I express an opinion she does not agree with she tells me to stop interrupting her.  Have I tried setting boundaries, yes.  She just doesn't get it.  If she has a need (always) it would never cross her mind, and she is not able, to let it ride until later, it must be now.  Doesn't matter if I'm sleeping, on vacation, sick, have plans.  I've told her not to call when I'm on vacation unless it's an emergency.  A couple of weeks ago I was away and she left a message that she was so sick, she sounded like she was dying.  Another time I was gone she had to go to the emergency, she was so weak she couldn't walk, she was getting every test in the book, she was desperate.  Her SO was with her.  Next morning she called me, she was out on the golf course and happy as a clam.  She refuses to accept boundaries.  Even if I don't pick up the phone she leaves these horrendous messages, it's hard not to feel angry. 

Thank you for letting me vent.

Rosie0523

[meantcorn34]

I won't address BPD, but as a fellow mom in her 60's I feel your pain. The recognition that our time is limited, and the need to make decisions about how we want to use our time, adds an extra layer to the issues surrounding your daughter and grandson. It's ok to decide to do this much and no more. It's ok to put yourself first.

[MammaMia]

rosie.

I am so sorry for all you have been through and continue to go through.  I have been through similar experiences with my BPDs for the past 25 years.

Your daughter is an adult.  She has a partner and a child who love and care for her.  My suggestion to you is that you continue to distance yourself from her constant demands for attention.

Another suggestion is to tell her to talk with her SO and "figure things out" when she calls you for advice.  No matter what you suggest, it will be wrong.  We have all learned that. Validate the obvious and healthy and refrain from commenting on everything else.  

Have you spoken to dd's SO about her behavior and the welfare of their son? You may want to discuss it privately.Thankfully, the SO is a good and loving father which may help to balance gs's stress to some degree.

Do not let them put you in the middle of their issues.  They are grown people, and need to work through problems without always involving you.  You have every right to a life of your own.

[rosie0523]

Your words were like a tonic, thank you so much.  My DD has never wanted me to talk to her SO, twelve years can you believe it!  Of course there have been times I do talk to him or he calls me when things go way beyond reason. 

Right now he is helping her move into a place of her own as his health, mental and physical are being effected by her behavior.  I thought they would wait until my daughter saved some money so she could move out but that may never happen so it sounds like he is footing the bill.  I have not asked about my GS, I'm afraid to even think about it.  He is coming over in little while so I may find out more.

I'm sorry to hear that you have been dealing with these type of issues yourself.  It sounds like there is more than one BPD in your life? 

Rosie

[lbjnltx]

Hi rosie,

How did the visit with your gson go?

[rosie0523]

I am so sad for him, it's terrible to see, he has lost his sparkle.  He is so angry and it comes out nasty.  I told him that if he felt like talking about things I would be there to listen.  He didn't want to talk.  He shows no interest in anything but my IPad when he is here.  I try to give him space, whatever I say to him he takes the wrong way. 

Thanks to all,

Rosie

[lbjnltx]

Sounds like your gson needs some validating so that he knows you know how he feels and that it's ok to feel that way.

We can validate more than the words that come out of their mouths.  If he is sad/angry/confused/etc... .validate that feeling... .like "It seems like you are angry, I would be angry too."  He may or may not respond.  It is enough.

If we want our kids/gkids to talk to us about the big stuff we can help this process by talking about the little stuff... .it's a process of building trust over time. Bless you for bringing some normalcy and safety to his life. 



lbj

[rosie0523]

Hello to each of you and thank you.

My GS will be here tomorrow, I will follow your suggestions re validating his feelings, thanks. 

My DD called tonight hysterical because her SO told his family about my DD's BPD. After all these years I'm sure they knew something was really amiss.  He also told my GS, or my GS overheard.  I'm not sure.  Anyway, after about 45 minutes I had her calmed down.  A second call from her about half an hour later was interesting. She was still going on and on and I told her I was not feeling well, she ignored me, I calmly told her again, still ignored me, tried again and she listened.  I have GERD, quite serious, which will cause horrible spasms in my esophagus when stressed.  Once she stopped to listen she really calmed down.  Don't know if it will last but we ended on an OK note. Oh, I also told her I would not be able to give her any more money, she is working at the moment, as I have given her huge amounts which she has made no effort to repay at all.  That's a lot of communication for one night.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring,

Wishing everyone a good night,

Rosie