Hi ASD,
Hang in there. It's going to be rough for a while, and feel like rock bottom. Once you get a plan and some good counsel, and she is removed from the home, you'll be able to start rebuilding and healing, and get some strength back.
It sounds like you know exactly what's coming next, and are prepared to protect yourself and the kids. That can sometimes be half the battle. You know you want her out of the house, and are prepared to ask for primary custody.
Having her Baker-acted, even if it is only temporary, may help you in family court for years to come. It could be the equivalent of an alcoholic having a DUI. Courts tend to downplay "he said, she said" so anytime you have a government or legal action as part of your documentation, it can help a lot.
Document everything you possibly can. Find out if you live in a one-party or two-party consent state for recording. If it's a one-party consent state, that means you can record her without her permission. Some members here record regardless of the laws in order to protect themselves from a false allegation. Meaning, even if you cannot use the recording in court, a law enforcement officer or Child Protective Services investigator may be willing to look at the footage as part of their decision-making.
There are other laws, depending on where you live, that can be invoked to have someone removed from the home. My L counseled me to stay in the home, otherwise if I was the one leaving, it could be construed as me abandoning the marital home. I ended up leaving anyway.
If you do file a motion to have her removed from the home, or file a protective order, however it works where you live, make sure you understand how things work. For example, ask if you can legally change the locks, and what kind of contact the kids are expected to have. Even though I left abruptly, my L had me put S13 (9 at the time) on the phone the next night. I also wrote a letter that she vetted, to make sure I didn't say anything that would be difficult for her to defend later, if it came to that.
A word about dad's getting full custody. There is a bias in the system, although I looked at the research and while more mothers do get full custody, more mothers also ask for sole. There may be bias that gets perpetuated by lawyers, who tell their dad clients they'll never get full. If your wife is in bad enough shape to be Baker-acted, then you may stand a good chance to get full custody. Keep in mind, though, that full custody does not necessarily describe visitation. You may also want to request supervised visitation, or no overnights, or whatever your lawyer recommends is best (and possible to get in your court).
It might take a while, and you may need to get a custody evaluation (this involved psych evaluations like the MMPI-2 and home visits from an evaluator who issues a report making recommendations to the court).
If you haven't already read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse by Bill Eddy, it's a good idea to do so. He also has a website with a lot of resources on high-conflict people:
www.highconflictinstitute.comOne thing he says is that not all people with BPD are high-conflict people (what he refers to as HCPs). But all HCPs have a personality disorder. If your wife recruits negative advocates, is a persuasive blamer, and has a target of blame (you), then she's a HCP. These tend to be the toughest divorces. Even if your wife is just BPD alone, it will still be a difficult divorce, but in terms of the legal system, she may not lob false allegations.
You need to get counsel from a lawyer in your state -- you can meet with 2 or 3 for $100 or so per hour to just ask questions. This will give you enough to go on until you need to retain someone. Each lawyer will recommend a different strategy. You have clear goals, and that's very important. Now you need a good, assertive lawyer who will help you figure out a plan how to get there. A lot can come down to what judge you get. Some are really good, and others are not. When you talk to lawyers, ask them about the judge that would be assigned to your case. This is one of the things you're retaining a lawyer for, to get that kind of insider knowledge. Even if you get a lot settled out of court, many of our cases end up eventually in court, one way or another. Especially if you're going for full custody.
People here on Family Law have been through this, and understand what it feels like to be at rock bottom. We're here for you.
LnL
