Thankyou Elizabeth 22. Those were my thoughts also. I was considering giving both sides money for consultations but after researching options most lawyers give free consultations. He also has a uBPD wife who is creating so much drama but I was proud of myself today because of this board and my readings I told her on the phone when she disregulated to me because of drama from the kids being taken away, that our conversation was not accomplishing anything and I would talk to her later and hung up.
You are very welcome, understandnow
Upon re-reading, I see that I missed that the child is not only a child of an ex, but a half sister to your grandchild? If I read that correclty, yes, the emotional stakes are very high for you and I more fully understand your stress and the appearance of dividing loyalties.
This is a terrible position for you to be in, and you should not be in it if you don't want to. To me, its just that simple... .and sometimes easier said than done... .I know.
As I have been on this journey to try to understand all that is happening in my life, I look in many places for ideas or advice, and this one thing from Dr. Phil (of all people) stuck with me. Paraphrasing, he says something to the effect that if we step in and help our adult children (enable, which I believe you would be doing since your son has choices he can pursue on his own), we are sending them the message that we believe they are not capable of handling their own lives, or something to that effect.
So, now I look at my non-enabling as not only helping me be free of the chaos and abuse, but helping my son by allowing him to find his own way, his own solutions and let him make his own mistakes - from which he can (and hopefully will) learn. My son has chosen his uBPD wife, who abused his son (who is not her child) and was arrested for it, over his son and the rest of us. He will be dealing with the consequences on his own. So, I can also sympathize to the extent that there is child abuse and involvement from law enforcement, CPS, etc. It is painfull, but it is what it is. I can only handle my life and my reactions from here on out. I understand the feeling of being torn between a grandchild and your own child. I picked my grandson, but did try to help my son until he no longer wanted me in his life (if it gives you any consolation to know my choice). I am so sorry you are going through this, but you sound strong.
You do not have to be the safety net, you do not have to "prove" your love for your son by stepping in. Our adult children should be building their own safety nets, and we should not get in their way. Or, that's how I look at it.
You do not have to succumb to emotional blackmail.
You should be VERY proud of yourself that you handled a situation today in a way that felt true and comfortable to you. I am proud of you as well.
