Re-traumatisation Habits and Coping

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Its been 6 months since the last physical interaction with my ex-fiance who suffers/suffered from BPD-like impairments. It's important to remember they are more than a diagnosis when you're feeling the presence of uncomfortable emotions associated with your disengagement with this individual. It goes without saying that the process of detachment and building self-awareness takes time and effort.

Some coping mechanisms I've been using:

Meditation - in the form of breathing consciously, not analyzing what I see or do during something relaxing like taking a walk.

Exercise - this one's been easy since we shared her car before. Commuting for a while on a bicycle has helped me boost the well-being chemicals and keep a better outlook.

Talk therapy - having my feelings confirmed by another human being in ways I can't and am not willing to try to achieve with any of my friends. I don't want to wear them out with my problems.

Chiropractic care - My posture got a lot worse during the relationship, especially when I started to gain weight and was always getting bad sleep when I lived with her.

Medication & supplements - Fish oil, 5-HTP and a prescribed (I still don't fully trust psychiatry) stimulant to combat brain fog and depression post-disengagement.

Reading others' experiences and practicing complete acceptance of the way things are now. She's moved on, its over.

Now on the other hand, I've been indulging in some maladaptive behaviors as well, some of which I believe can serve to "re-traumatise(?)" in small ways; things such as:

Over-analyzing what happened and trying to envision how things will play out in her new romance / 2nd pregnancy.

Since I live close to the replacement, I'm always looking at passing cars to see if its either one of them. I've seen her car (or at least identical ones, there's no way I could tell for sure) passing through my neighborhood and past my workplace on the service road of the highway she uses to get home. This behavior is unhealthy and possibly narcissistic.

Hearing her voice in my head (imagining) criticizing my thought patterns and telling me basically how stupid I am for being so caught up in my imagination about the way her life is going. Granted, I do know her current living arrangements along with the replacement's, including their unhealthy previous relationships so the scenarios I envision do feel very plausible. I realize this is also unhealthy and possibly narcissistic and demonstrates that I haven't fully detached from the emotional charge of the relationship which brings me to... .

Traumatic bonding, the glue keeping me from forgiving her, him and myself. This started 4 years ago the night we met, when I was moved so deeply by the way she described having been so invalidated, used and abused. I realize this compassion was really what I needed to feel for myself but alcohol and sex made it much easier to project this onto her. I remember the dissolution of the sloppy boundary I held between "random girl from online who I'm having some fun with" and "well-meaning but misunderstood angel that I have a magical connection with." This is what led me to coming back around and her "holding me to my word" of being with her (which I never said but was implied by my actions and her need for stability.)

All in all, healing supppsedly isn't a linear process which is comforting. I would love to hear some of the experiences you've had with growing in self-awareness, getting in touch with your heart's space or finding the self-love that lives deep down inside.

[disorderedsociety]

Its been 6 months since the last physical interaction with my ex-fiance who suffers/suffered from BPD-like impairments. It's important to remember they are more than a diagnosis when you're feeling the presence of uncomfortable emotions associated with your disengagement with this individual. It goes without saying that the process of detachment and building self-awareness takes time and effort.

Some coping mechanisms I've been using:

Meditation - in the form of breathing consciously, not analyzing what I see or do during something relaxing like taking a walk.

Exercise - this one's been easy since we shared her car before. Commuting for a while on a bicycle has helped me boost the well-being chemicals and keep a better outlook.

Talk therapy - having my feelings confirmed by another human being in ways I can't and am not willing to try to achieve with any of my friends. I don't want to wear them out with my problems.

Chiropractic care - My posture got a lot worse during the relationship, especially when I started to gain weight and was always getting bad sleep when I lived with her.

Medication & supplements - Fish oil, 5-HTP and a prescribed (I still don't fully trust psychiatry) stimulant to combat brain fog and depression post-disengagement.

Reading others' experiences and practicing complete acceptance of the way things are now. She's moved on, its over.

Now on the other hand, I've been indulging in some maladaptive behaviors as well, some of which I believe can serve to "re-traumatise(?)" in small ways; things such as:

Over-analyzing what happened and trying to envision how things will play out in her new romance / 2nd pregnancy.

Since I live close to the replacement, I'm always looking at passing cars to see if its either one of them. I've seen her car (or at least identical ones, there's no way I could tell for sure) passing through my neighborhood and past my workplace on the service road of the highway she uses to get home. This behavior is unhealthy and possibly narcissistic.

Hearing her voice in my head (imagining) criticizing my thought patterns and telling me basically how stupid I am for being so caught up in my imagination about the way her life is going. Granted, I do know her current living arrangements along with the replacement's, including their unhealthy previous relationships so the scenarios I envision do feel very plausible. I realize this is also unhealthy and possibly narcissistic and demonstrates that I haven't fully detached from the emotional charge of the relationship which brings me to... .

Traumatic bonding, the glue keeping me from forgiving her, him and myself. This started 4 years ago the night we met, when I was moved so deeply by the way she described having been so invalidated, used and abused. I realize this compassion was really what I needed to feel for myself but alcohol and sex made it much easier to project this onto her. I remember the dissolution of the sloppy boundary I held between "random girl from online who I'm having some fun with" and "well-meaning but misunderstood angel that I have a magical connection with." This is what led me to coming back around and her "holding me to my word" of being with her (which I never said but was implied by my actions and her need for stability.)

All in all, healing supppsedly isn't a linear process which is comforting. I would love to hear some of the experiences you've had with growing in self-awareness, getting in touch with your heart's space or finding the self-love that lives deep down inside.

[joeramabeme]

All in all, healing supppsedly isn't a linear process which is comforting. I would love to hear some of the experiences you've had with growing in self-awareness, getting in touch with your heart's space or finding the self-love that lives deep down inside.

DisorderedSociety, that is a great question that I could probably write volumes upon without really coming to any thing conclusive.  Your word "process" really resonates.  It has been a long one for me. 

If there has been one consistent facet of my process it has been the need for love and acceptance from others and even that was a "process" to recognize what I needed it and then allow myself to receive it. 

Much of what you mentioned as your coping mechanisms have been part of mine as well.  But nothing has resonated more than someone hugging me as I am, seeing all my warts and flaws and still loving me all the same.

So, though  don't know you, here is a hug and some love for you and a prayer that we all move forward to a better place in our journey!