Triangulation?

[Suspicious1]

Random thoughts going through my head at the moment, and I'm hoping someone can help me sift through them, or if anyone recognises any of this kind of behaviour.

During times I was split black in our relationship, my exBPDbf used to put messages on social media for me to see. I know he did it because (apart from the fact that it was *really* obvious), he'd admit to me what he'd done when I was split white again. He'd tell me he'd been trying to get my attention, trying to make me think he was doing really well without me, trying to make contact etc.

It's a year now since I walked away so I realise attempted communication from him is less and less likely, but I still miss him and I'm trying to figure out if he's forgotten about me and is just getting on with his life, or if I'm still split black and he's still triangulating in some way.

The things that have made me wonder are these: he posted something on our usual social media site recently (quite an obscure one that he used in the past to post things for me to see) that referenced something personal we used to talk about a lot in the past. It could be coincidence, but it got me wondering. Then after I tried to friend him on FB last month (because I'd REALLY love to talk) he got in touch with a friend of mine to tell him he was going travelling for a while.

Now this is a weird one. He has used this friend of mine in the past, I'm sure, to pass on bits of information. This person is primarily my friend, and again when I was split black in the past, my ex would suddenly make contact with this friend to ask him to go out with him to find a new girlfriend, or to talk about things, or whatever. Then I'd be split white again and all would be forgotten, and during those times my ex wouldn't talk to this friend at all. It would happen like clockwork, and my friend said it did often feel like my ex wanted to talk about me, but that he didn't want to get drawn in so he avoided any direct conversations about me.

So in the past, during this last year of silence, my ex has contacted this friend to ask him to go out to help him find a new gf, to tell him he's seeing someone new, to tell give him details of where his new house is, and now to tell him he's going off travelling.

This again is behaviour that's got me wondering because often, when I was being split black and pushed away, my ex would specifically tell me he was going travelling. Once it was Canada. Once it was Florida. This time it's Thailand. He never went (in the same way that he never turned up to the social events he arranged with my friend), it just seemed to be a way of telling me how rich his life was now without me and that he'd be disappearing.

I know I know I know I could be reading too much into this, but it feels like familiar pattern somehow.

[JohnnyShoes]

Suspicious... .

Hi...

I have a couple of questions and comments first.

1. What you are experiencing now... .how do you feel about it? Do you like it? (I would think you would say no)

2. This friend of yours... I would tell him that if so and so contacts you... .I DONT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT. I DONT WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.  I DONT EVEN WANT TO KNOW THAT HE'S PARTING HIS HAIR ON THE LEFT SIDE NOW... .NOTHING!

3. Your exBP knows EXACTLY how to get inside your head and rearrange the furniture. DONT LET HIM.

4. Decide what you want to do. Where do you want to go ... .where would you like to see yourself... .cause as far as your exBP... .

What you described... .is how it will always be... .but worse each time.

Keep moving forward. It WILL be better on the other side.

[Suspicious1]

Thanks JohnnyShoes, all good questions.

1. I'm feeling a mixture of hope and despair. No, I hate it. Ambivalence would be heaven.

2. The problem is, the friend has be GREAT at not passing on any information at all, to either of us. If my ex digs, my friend changes the subject. He only told me this stuff because I asked, and I asked because of point 1.

3. I'm kind of thinking that's the case. At times I think I'm being mad and delusional about this stuff, but I know him so well and my instincts have never been wrong on this stuff.

4. What I want is to just not care. To be over it. And 14 months on I'm still not so I'm losing hope that I'll ever be. In which case I should just chuck myself back in the lions den and have done with it.

[JohnnyShoes]

No one can tell you what you should do. Its your life.

For me, I would NOT want to live with regret of the What Ifs. I know this is not the best thing to tell you in your current situation... but its the truth.

Sometimes we need another GO AT IT... to prove to ourselves... .we did every effin thing possible.

At least ... you won't have to say somewhere in the future. "I should've tried one more time"


I say this stuff cause guess what? I'm in thus same friggin boat. It sucks dont it?

Are we gluttons for punishment?

Hopelessly "blind believers"?

Are we courageous?

Ask yourself... .Why is it that WE are the ones to care and want to try again?

Why did we have to emotionally carry that whole relationship?

Where is THEIR ACTIONS of Trying to work things out.

The relationship is like an Emotional Table for 2...

We shouldn't be seated there by our selves.

Yes, we can meet them there... .but if they dont come to the table and meet us halfway... .WE MUST MOVE ON.

And if we've been there more than once... .and they never showed... .hell, we need to not walk away, but RUN and say Sayonara!

I'm wishing you Wisdom and Strength. Praying for you too.