Hi all. Experiencing a sad and confusing day today.

[scgator]

I've been learning a lot lately. Lots of reading on BPD, whether a BPD r/s can work or not long-term, how BPD breakups go down and where I'm at now - trying to get over her and move on.

Long story short, I was introduced to someone with a "heart of gold", moved very fast - not uncommon for me in hindsight - and ended up moving in with her and her 9 year old after 3 months. Red flags were evident but I turned a blind eye. After all, I had met my soul mate. I was the first to talk about love, and it was early in the r/s, she was the first to talk about marriage, also very early in the r/s, we were spending all our time together, lunch, dinner, nights, almost from the beginning. I definitely have co-dependent traits, I see that now, and after a 9 month r/s may have some "fleas."

Anyway, I've read a lot of accounts and mine seems to be similar. Great woman, great r/s, great sex, then the wheels fell off. Distrust, insecurity, belittling, attacking - verbal and physical, lies, manipulation, possible (probable) cheating - she ran back to an ex after getting mad at me, said she didn't sleep with him even though he only wanted sex, then said she did, then she didn't, then she did 5 times, then never, then admitted yes she did and had me crying on the floor, then later said she never cheated on me - all the while accusing me of cheating, calling work to accuse a co-worker, then accusing one of her friends and losing her, then it just had to be me posting on craigslist for casual sex), accusations, delusion, gaslighting, projection, sheer craziness at points. I was divided, confused, making excuses, anxious, fearful really. I lost 20lbs due to stress and anxiety (she said it was from having too much sex with whomever I was cheating with) my body would shake uncontrollably at times, especially when the antics would start. She threw me out, I went to a hotel, she asked me back, I went back, 2 days later I was out again and I moved into my own place - then she said she didn't know why I moved out - uh, maybe cuz you said get all my sh!t and get out?

After I moved, we tried working on things, then she went cold, said I was giving her signs like moving out that I never loved her and the next day posted on FB about having a late night like out of "The Notebook" - I ended things after reading that, done with the games, got to say my peace about just about everything. Had to finally block her on my phone because even after I said goodbye and good luck the attacks kept coming. They were just hysterics about me and her friend, none of which is true. I finally blocked her after looking at the texts and realizing they all had a punch in the face quality. Like, hey, I'm having a bad day so BAM, here's some pain or a nice snide remark to make you share my emotional pain.

Wow, after writing and reading all that I don't know why I'm confused! My words don't always match my actions, my body kind of took over and pushed me out of this r/s - I knew/know it's not healthy for either of us and now I'm working on me. Trying to heal myself, in therapy, doing some inner child work, some EMDR, coming to terms with my childhood and the bullying I took from family and friends. I see that's what drew me in, my loneliness, the familiarity subconsciously, then my defense mechanisms and hers kicked in and the r/s was doomed. I'm sure it was from the beginning because maybe neither of us know how to love. I guess what I'm learning the most about is ambivalence - how the hell can I want to steer clear to the point of never seeing her again, yet miss her all the while? I know my answer, I'm trying to correct a past experience hoping for a different outcome. I know the work I have to do and I'm working on it.

I feel all over the place because inside I can't come to terms with the fact that maybe she never loved me, that it was all pretend. I know I've normalized her behavior and am only looking at and missing the good times, missing the connection, but man oh man this is tough. I've read the Shari Schrieber articles and they've helped a lot. Same with the ones here and the stories of others. I just had to get this off my chest I guess. I'm feeling better after putting it all out there. Thanks.

[once removed]

hey scgator and

i can relate to lots of your experiences; i like to think, particularly your feelings.

":)istrust, insecurity, belittling, attacking - verbal and physical, lies, manipulation, possible (probable) cheating - she ran back to an ex after getting mad at me, said she didn't sleep with him even though he only wanted sex, then said she did, then she didn't, then she did 5 times, then never, then admitted yes she did and had me crying on the floor, then later said she never cheated on me - all the while accusing me of cheating, calling work to accuse a co-worker, then accusing one of her friends and losing her, then it just had to be me posting on craigslist for casual sex), accusations, delusion, gaslighting, projection, sheer craziness at points. I was divided, confused, making excuses, anxious, fearful really. I lost 20lbs due to stress and anxiety (she said it was from having too much sex with whomever I was cheating with) my body would shake uncontrollably at times, especially when the antics would start. She threw me out, I went to a hotel, she asked me back, I went back, 2 days later I was out again and I moved into my own place - then she said she didn't know why I moved out - uh, maybe cuz you said get all my sh!t and get out?"

BPD is a shame based disorder. cheating, for most people causes shame. when shame overwhelms us, we project it upon others. i sincerely feel you on the anxiety and shaking. the main area where i felt i was walking on eggshells was accusations or questions about cheating. when the relationship concluded, i realized she had cheated, likely multiple times; at one time the last thing i could imagine. her throwing the weight loss and anxiety back in your face is cruel, and to say the least, lacking empathy. my ex was willing to own a majority of her issues for most of the relationship. in the end she said some cruel, and nearly unforgivable things. for obvious reasons, i couldnt sleep with her. when i tried to explain, she was annoyed, concluded this was merely "psychological" and put the blame all on me. it is dumbfounding and painful  .

"Had to finally block her on my phone because even after I said goodbye and good luck the attacks kept coming. They were just hysterics about me and her friend, none of which is true. I finally blocked her after looking at the texts and realizing they all had a punch in the face quality. Like, hey, I'm having a bad day so BAM, here's some pain or a nice snide remark to make you share my emotional pain"

your last sentence pretty well sums it up, i think, though she likely wasnt simply taking a bad day out on you, but a lifetime of shame. again, this, for her, had to be projected onto you. too much for her to deal with, plus the fear of abandonment, regardless of her actions. thats familiar to me too; i didnt abandon my ex, but she perceived that i did, so my replacement was thrown in my face.

"My words don't always match my actions, my body kind of took over and pushed me out of this r/s - I knew/know it's not healthy for either of us and now I'm working on me. Trying to heal myself, in therapy, doing some inner child work, some EMDR, coming to terms with my childhood and the bullying I took from family and friends. I see that's what drew me in, my loneliness, the familiarity subconsciously, then my defense mechanisms and hers kicked in and the r/s was doomed. I'm sure it was from the beginning because maybe neither of us know how to love. I guess what I'm learning the most about is ambivalence - how the hell can I want to steer clear to the point of never seeing her again, yet miss her all the while? I know my answer, I'm trying to correct a past experience hoping for a different outcome. I know the work I have to do and I'm working on it."

this is really fantastic self work, i cant stress that enough. youre not alone with the mixed feelings. i think virtually all of us have been there. these relationships had a soulmate like quality. there was an undeniable (although unsustainable) closeness. its very natural that we miss our partners, and its okay. you may find it easier to accept that you miss her as opposed to telling yourself that you shouldnt, or that theres something wrong with you if you do.

"I feel all over the place because inside I can't come to terms with the fact that maybe she never loved me, that it was all pretend."

first of all, be careful with shari schreiber articles. theyre going to present this kind of narrative to you. that pwBPD cant love, that youve been manipulated, that your relationship was an illusion, and in general that youre a sucker. from my perspective this couldnt be more false. your partner loved you, it was not pretend; and id place money she wanted everything she expressed just as much as you if not even more. for a pwBPD, this is simply not sustainable. you are right that it was doomed in that regard. its doomed as soon as the slightest imperfection is visible. this triggers the disorder. we remain a trigger. there is a wild swing back and forth. none of this means that your experience, your relationship "werent real". just not sustainable. for anyone.

[JohnnyShoes]

Scgator - thanks for telling your story.

I'm feeling the sane about my exbpgf.

It's tough when you start to ruminate and romanticize the relationship

I dont know why we can't remember the bad stuff but only the "good"

Yes, we're repeating our foo emotions from upbringing... .

We've got that Rescuer Role down pat dont we.

We feel sympathy and sorry for them, and think we can make them feel better by letting them emotionally bleed on us... .but... .

We can't Sacrifice our selves to the point where... we are dead inside and no longer recognizable to ourselves.

Welcome bud. You're in good company.

Best wishes on ALL the good stuff life has in store for you.

JohnnyShoes

[scgator]

Thanks for the feedback. I put another post up about a probable recycling attempt. I did see some negative feedback on the Shari Schreiber articles and see that those had me looking at my ex like she's a complete crazy person who lied, manipulated and used me. It didn't help that my ex has actually told me the same thing when angry, that for the last few months I've just been a game to her. That didn't help much except firm up my decision to leave. After reading the negative feedback on those articles, listening to the mutual friends and her family, I'm back in the "unsure" camp. I think you are right in that as soon as the first imperfections showed up I became a trigger, a co-dependent enabler. I also think without her getting over denial and getting into therapy that this is unsustainable - so why is it so hard to move on? Is it that we normalize this behavior since it reminds us of something in our past?

Maybe that's why we only look at the good when we ruminate. I for one have very little memory from my childhood but maybe my subconscious thinks this is what love is supposed to be since it's such a reminder of my mostly blocked out childhood.

Either way, whether it's once more into the breach dear friends or I go back to NC, coming face to face with my "shadow" has presented a tremendous opportunity for personal growth that I will always be thankful for. It's the fixer in me that wants her to experience the same. Unfortunately, some of that is selfish desire to fix the relationship, but I see that. I wonder how it would go to attempt "radical acceptance" and lay out a set of ground rules before even venturing back in? Like, hey, if we're going to try this then you have to know this, this, and this is unacceptable behavior and I will leave if it goes on. I have a feeling though, that no matter what framework I try to set up, it would only be temporary because I fear the only reason she's contacting me is because she's currently bored, lonely, and horny and I'm the quick fix. Either that or just the laying of the ground rules would be so shaming to her that she wouldn't want to continue anyway. I guess that's just another indication of the one-way relationship we're in.

Thanks for reading!