From L2 to L3 First Steps

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Thank you, I believe you do know exactly how it is. I have tried NC and it barely lasted a week. It is so difficult with him living over the road, literally, we can see each others houses. I was planning on moving completely away, my house is rented and he has just bought his. The only trouble is right now I can barely plan to get through a day, never mind finding, packing and moving to a new home. Suzn has been brilliant today too. I am so mentally exhausted I need to sleep but don't want to wake up crying again and face another day of this. Weak, yes, buts that's how I feel right now.

[Sadly]

Thank you, I believe you do know exactly how it is. I have tried NC and it barely lasted a week. It is so difficult with him living over the road, literally, we can see each others houses. I was planning on moving completely away, my house is rented and he has just bought his. The only trouble is right now I can barely plan to get through a day, never mind finding, packing and moving to a new home. Suzn has been brilliant today too. I am so mentally exhausted I need to sleep but don't want to wake up crying again and face another day of this. Weak, yes, buts that's how I feel right now.

[Suzn]

Getting rest helps stabilize our emotions. No sleep = more extreme emotions. You may wake up tomorrow crying however the next day you may not. Having ups and downs is perfectly normal. My T tells me, when you are feeling this way you need to imagine you have the flu. Get rest, eat and do things that make you feel comfortable. Take care of you during this time. The basics are very important.

[Yolanda123]

Sadly, this must be difficult living across the street for him - I understand this make NC more complicated and hard to achive, and that you are not in a state of mind to plan a move right now. I feel for you.

Posted by: Suzn 

Getting rest helps stabilize our emotions. No sleep = more extreme emotions. You may wake up tomorrow crying however the next day you may not. Having ups and downs is perfectly normal. My T tells me, when you are feeling this way you need to imagine you have the flu. Get rest, eat and do things that make you feel comfortable. Take care of you during this time. The basics are very important.

I agree with Suzn

You could try and find something that makes you relax, might be some soothing music, or relaxation exercises, that was helpful for me at times when I felt exhausted / anxiety and had a hard time sleeping. There are many such exercises available on ITunes, I would put my Ipod on and lie down, and this is something that helped me take my mind off things and just focus on breathing and letting go. It can help you relax a little bit.

[Suzn]

How are you doing Sadly?

[Sadly]

Very badly am afraid. Still here though so I guess that's something. Thank you for asking.

[itgirl]

You are going through a lot at the moment.  I hope that you have some moments when the pain is less.  What makes you think that you cant find a better partner for you? 

That's the question I am struggling with at the moment. 

[Sadly]

Hello itgirl. I cant even contemplate another partner. I am so exhausted and desperately sad that doesn't come into the equation. I neither know nor care if there is someone out there for me.

[itgirl]

oh ok I didn't mean it quite that way.  I also don't contemplate a new partner for years to come.  What I meant is that my T asked me that "why do I stay with someone abusive.  What makes me believe I cant find someone better?" 

So I was more asking about your own fear.  I am working on that answer for myself.

[Sadly]

Sorry, I misunderstood. Feel like I am in a living hell at the moment. If someone asked me why I was still stuck with someone who abused me, my answer right now would be because I love him. Regardless of everything we know and have read here feelings are outweighing logic by a huge amount right now. The grief and sorrow of knowing what the outcome will be eventually is what is hurting me as much as my actual loss, if that makes sense. There is no hope, no recovery, he is not going to get better and he doesn't want me anymore except as a friend!  I am struggling badly even with everyone's help here which is enormous. We can empathise and take in all the logic in the world but the pain is our own.x

[maxen]

I am struggling badly even with everyone's help here which is enormous. We can empathise and take in all the logic in the world but the pain is our own.x

this is very true Sadly. please don't forget though, that there are really are people who have had this experience, and they're here. when i was at my lowest, just the thought that there was this board and these people gave me great comfort, even when i was logged off. please come back every day.

[Lucky Jim]

there are really are people who have had this experience, and they're here.

Hey sadly, as maxen suggests, there are a lot of us here who have been through the same ordeal.  It's hard, no doubt, but going "through the pain" is what leads to happiness on the other side.  I realize that may not be much comfort when you're in the middle of the storm, yet it will pass.  Feel free to fire away with any questions or concerns.

LuckyJim

[Sadly]

Thank you both. I do come on every day, it really helps. Am in a rare old predicament now though. G left work and came to see me in tears yesterday afternoon. His father has been battling cancer for a long time now and has finally decided he wants no more treatment. He lives a few hundred miles away and G is going up to see him at the weekend and wants me to go with him. I don't believe in this case he is using me to further his own ends or as a control thing. It is genuine human sorrow and he needs my support. If his father says its ok to come then I will. I believe his father will say no so have told him that if that is the case just to tell him I am thinking of him. All so hard. This may sound selfish but it is going to put me right back to square one, not that I have moved far from it to be fair. Regardless of the visit G is going to need a lot of love (even if its not reciprocated) and compassion in these next few weeks. What a mess. 

[Lucky Jim]

Regardless of the visit G is going to need a lot of love (even if its not reciprocated) and compassion in these next few weeks.

Hey Sadly, Be careful about putting G's needs ahead of your own.     You're in rough shape and in no condition to be caring for someone else, in my view.  It's OK to have empathy, but don't take on G's problems as your own.  Nothing you can do about his father's condition.  Listen to your gut feelings and try to keep things in perspective, as best you can.

LuckyJim

[Suzn]

I have to agree with lucky Jim. Compassion and empathy for others are excellent qualities that you have. Sometimes we can overextending ourselves at our own expense and people in our lives can expect this out of us because we've done this in the past. They may not be as understanding as we would like them to be if we take the space that we need to tend to ourselves. There is nothing wrong with being compassionate about his situation though it may be best done from a distance. This is not selfish, this is self preservation.

Unfortunately, there's no way to know how the situation with his father is going to affect him or how his behaviors will change if at all. However, it may be best to be mindful that this probably won't change who he is or has been. Does this situation not force you into a friends position to emotionally care for another friend when you have no energy to expend?

There are times when we can't be there for someone else like we would like to be because we are depleted ourselves. Healthy minded individuals recognize and are understanding of this and allow us the time we need to take care of ourselves.

[maxen]

If his father says its ok to come then I will. I believe his father will say no so have told him that if that is the case just to tell him I am thinking of him.

Sadly, you're leaving the decision about your own movements up to someone else. can you imagine what it will be like inside you to be in the presence of your ex for the duration of this trip? his father will receive your well wishes. you're certainly not abandoning his father by not going with your ex. as Suzn says, "This is not selfish, this is self preservation."

[Sadly]

Thank you all for your insight and replies. they all make sense. I was very surprised at his fathers response, he would like to see me and his mother who is in a nursing home sent me a message saying she was very happy to think I would be going so I guess thats it. I will be. It's not just G anymore. I cant deny the request, his father is dying and very soon. I love his mum and she loves me. It is not in me to deny them this, it's not who I am and I guess with the low feelings of self worth this r/s has left me with not going would just add to this. I have to be true to my values as much as I can, they have been rocked to the core lately. This is a situation where I will have to be as strong as I can be. I will not let him verbally abuse me when he is upset. I will say to him I am sorry you feel like that but I don't and won't be your whipping boy anymore no matter what the cicumstances and I will walk away until he calms down. It's all I can do. For the future I am going next week to look at some houses near my brother and his family. Moving so far away will be an enormous help with detaching myself from this whole thing. I feel more positive now than last week so thank you for your support during that black week. I have some hard times to come as do we all but I know that there is no going back and as I said, the distance is going to be my strongest tool, it is impossible here when we live in such close proximity. Pray for my strength this weekend please. xx

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you all for your insight and replies. they all make sense. I was very surprised at his fathers response, he would like to see me and his mother who is in a nursing home sent me a message saying she was very happy to think I would be going so I guess thats it. I will be. It's not just G anymore. I cant deny the request, his father is dying and very soon. I love his mum and she loves me. It is not in me to deny them this, it's not who I am and I guess with the low feelings of self worth this r/s has left me with not going would just add to this. I have to be true to my values as much as I can, they have been rocked to the core lately. This is a situation where I will have to be as strong as I can be. I will not let him verbally abuse me when he is upset. I will say to him I am sorry you feel like that but I don't and won't be your whipping boy anymore no matter what the cicumstances and I will walk away until he calms down. It's all I can do. For the future I am going next week to look at some houses near my brother and his family. Moving so far away will be an enormous help with detaching myself from this whole thing. I feel more positive now than last week so thank you for your support during that black week. I have some hard times to come as do we all but I know that there is no going back and as I said, the distance is going to be my strongest tool, it is impossible here when we live in such close proximity. Pray for my strength this weekend please. xx

Glad to hear that you're looking at homes next week! 

Since you're going on the trip, can you do things to keep yourself emotionally safe during the trip? Can you travel in separate cars? Can you stay in a different hotel?

I understand that you have a value system that would put a dying person's needs before your own... .I would probably do the same. But there are still things you can do to keep yourself safe from G while still honoring his parents wishes. It's not all or nothing.

[Sadly]

Thanks. Unfortunately I can't. we will be going in his car and staying at his dads house, this is expected. It is going to be weird and hard. I know his mum will ask me what's going on. She loved me for her son and she loved me for me and the problem is I don't really know what he has told them. I know I will be fighting not to cry in front of her. Neither can I pretend it is what I wanted and she will realise straight away that I still do love her son very much. He will want to know what she said, what I said etc and it could all go horribly wrong at any given time. Actually, his dad is likely to ask something personal straight out to both of us! Am going to keep my mouth shut if that happens, let him answer. I know its a mad move on my part but I can't not go. God what a mess

[Suzn]

Do you have a plan in place if things go horribly wrong as you say? An exit plan if needed, just in case?

[Sadly]

I have money and can call a taxi and get to a station to catch a train home if I have to. I don't think it will come to that. He hides things very well in front of his parents and sister. Never demonstrative in front of them either. If he goes for the mental abuse it will be when we are alone and I will have to deal with that. He has never physically hurt me and I know he would never do that. That's not part of his make up. all so worrying but just something else I have to get through. That's why I am asking for people to pray to give me strength. xx

[Suzn]

Over on staying board there are lessons on the upper right hand side of that screen. You will find links to communication skills that will be very beneficial to you on your trip. Such as validation skills and the use of SET. It would be very much worth your time to take a look at those prior to your trip. These skills can help you in an already emotional time for him.

[maxen]

Sadly, we also have some readings on communication tools. in addition to Suzn's suggestion of the Lessons on the Staying board, would you have a look at this? Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

[Sadly]

Thank you both so much for your help. I will read everything I can tonight. xx

[Sadly]

Well that went really well, not! Didnt even get through the evening. He turned up after work with a present he bought for me off eBay a few days ago. It is lovely and I hugged him, didn't get hugged back though. I asked why he had bought me a present and he said it was for being a nice and kind person, btw he never looks at me if he says anything nice to me, do you think he dosn't mean it? I was meeting two friends this evening for a couple of hours for dinner and to give a late birthday present but was planning to be back for 9 to pack for the weekend. For weeks now he has been mostly at my house in the evenings, same routine, couple of drinks at the pub, home for some wine , food and then he falls asleep in a drunken stupour and I either leave him on the sofa and he wakes up in the early hours and comes up to bed or he comes with me and just flakes out. On no occasion does he ever kiss me goodnight. Even if my leg touches his he will pull away. It's so hurtful. Anyway, tonight he said "I might go out for dinner too" . Here goes with my mistake, we used to eat out quite a lot but for the past few months we haven't done even though I have mentioned it lots of times. All the strain of everything that I have gradually lost hit me and I was angry, I said why now, all the times I have wanted to eat out with you and you wouldn't, is this just something else I have lost. He went ballistic, called me a liar and that had never happened. Yep, fatal, I answered back, how can you say its never happened, you were there with me... That was it, he left, shouting down the street that I was a douche and the last thing he shouted was forget about the weekend. I am left shaking and crying again. Then, have to be honest here this is the text I sent him 10 minutes later. "I'm sorry, I'm not a douche but I am seriously stressed. I'm coping badly with losing you. I'm not doing well with it although I am trying. I miss being loved. I often think of the things we did that we don't do now and it seemed like yet another thing. I miss your loving me so much". How bloody pathetic is that, and yet it's how I feel. Even knowing what he has done to me. Of course I didnt get a reply. The lights are on in his house, he will be drunk and asleep. In my pre relationship with him, if I read what I have been posting I would be horrified to think someone would let anyone treat them this way. Unbelievable and yet look at me now. I know the way he works. We were supposed to be leaving at 8 in the morning. It's 30/50 I will hear nothing or at 7.am. I will get a text saying are you coning or not? as if nothing had happened. And, god forgive me I will probably go. What is wrong with me?. There is no wonder I don't want to be alive anymore, I can't break this, its awful. I have been through so much in my past life, the loss of my sons, the death of my infant baby girl, the death of my parents and nothing but nothing grips and grabs me with this terrible pain. I am so so lost.