trying to navigate NC with my BPds and his sweet wife

[six]

 i have not posted in quite a while.  

my BPDs28 got married last summer to a lovely sweet girl.  throughout the engagement and wedding he told me that as soon as he was married he was going Nc with me.  he just wanted to get thru the festivities looking like a normal family.  

after the wedding, his wife made it clear that she wanted to have a relationship with me and we have kept in touch this year, going out to lunch a few times by ourselves.  my son was still part of the picture until february when he had a meltdown in a restaurant and marched out with his crying wife in the middle of the meal.  i called him the next day to see what we could do to make sure that would not happen again and since then he has refused to speak with me altho he still speaks to my dh and most of our other children.

i guess what i am struggling with is this.  i could probably fix this situation and get things back to the way they were.  but a part of me feels more comfortable knowing that i dont have to worry about handling him bec i rarely see him.  i know this sounds like a mother who doesnt care about her kid, but i am just so worn out from him and i feel like if he is in a marriage with a good person (i am so grateful for that) and he is loved, maybe i could just stay out of the picture and try to focus on my own life and the rest of my family who have been thru a lot of trauma and need my attention

one of the ways this situation gets messy is bec when we have a family event we either include him in which case he might show up and speak to everyone except me, or else we dont always include him in which case his darling wife feels slighted. also i really like and value his wife, but it seems strange to me that i have a connection with her but not with my son. does anyone have an idea of how i could keep my distance but also be connected at the same time? that questionw would be funny if it wasnt so pathetic

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

It's good to see you back, six 

I'm just ruminating here--trying to put myself in your situation--and wondering if you can give yourself a break from the stress of actively trying to navigate yourself back into his good graces (if that were possible), but still see your family together. Sort of like a "Low Contact" with him, done in love, with no antagonism between the two of you?

Can you just back off from anything more than just a friendly nod of the head or "Hello" to him at family functions? Don't expect anything back from him, give him his space, and not feel snubbed by him? In order to see your beloved Daughter-In-Law so that she isn't excluded from family get-togethers?

Losing her friendship over a strict No Contact with your son might be more painful for you--and her--than just Radically Accepting that your relationship with your son is strained for now, so if you keep your interactions with him limited with an understanding that you expect nothing from him at all, maybe it won't be too hard for you?

And then maybe in time things will work out (I know you do know how to make them work out, but maybe just aren't ready for that right now) for the two of you at a later date? When you feel stronger about it? These are just some ideas I have if I put myself into your place... .

[six]

Hi Rapt Reader

Its nice to be back

Thanks for your response.  I think what you are saying makes sense. 

I guess I am trying to understand whether it is wrong of me to not be trying too hard to repair things.  I feel some level of guilt for just letting things remain this way, and I guess I feel some guilt for not really missing him because being connected to him comes at such a steep price.  I also wonder if we will just get use to this status quo of not speaking to each other and that will become the new norm, which seems kind of not right in the long run.  I recently heard about someone I know who had a fight with her son at his wedding, and when she died 15 years later she had never met her grandchildren and I wondered if this will be me someday and I will regret what I am doing now. 

[Rapt Reader]

I guess I am trying to understand whether it is wrong of me to not be trying too hard to repair things.  I feel some level of guilt for just letting things remain this way, and I guess I feel some guilt for not really missing him because being connected to him comes at such a steep price.  I also wonder if we will just get use to this status quo of not speaking to each other and that will become the new norm, which seems kind of not right in the long run.  I recently heard about someone I know who had a fight with her son at his wedding, and when she died 15 years later she had never met her grandchildren and I wondered if this will be me someday and I will regret what I am doing now. 

I think that what I have in mind--if it were me feeling like you do right now--is to just take a little break for now, while you are feeling that being connected to him comes at such a steep price. Not going completely No Contact, so that you are still connected to him and your D-I-L as family, but detaching from your son and his emotionality around you, and just being friendly and loving without delving any further at this time. A Radical Acceptance of who he is, and moving on for yourself from his drama, staying connected to your D-I-L as usual.

If you were able to do all of that for now, things may even improve enough eventually with your son that your relationship could move on to something better than before. I've found that I don't need any sort of confrontation or "closure" regarding dysregulations with my BPD loved ones anymore; letting them have their say and then my moving on with love seems to work for me at this time.

As you may recall, there was a time when my non-BPD son and his (uBPD-probably) wife were No Contact with my Husband and me, and we didn't see much of our only grandchild. Once I learned how to deal with them the way I'm explaining, things calmed down after a while, and we now see them and our grandchild regularly. I just don't delve into their "problems" with us   anymore; I gave them their say and space to get over them, and we all moved on. The relationship we have with them may be more superficial than we'd hoped for in the past, but at least we can see them and have family functions with them 

I think that the kind of silence from him that you are hoping to avoid--or worse, the total cut-off that results in not seeing any grandchildren--won't happen if you do what I am suggesting... .At least it has worked for me 

[thefixermom]

I like what Rapt Reader has said here. And if there's any way I could convince you to let loose of the guilt I would do so. I was motivated by guilt for years and things only became worse.  My DD38 sensed my weakness, fear and vulnerability and pounced on it. Once I stopped trying so hard and just loved her and accepted her and quit defending myself or making it known I was trying to be closer, she relaxed quite a bit around me.  She lived with me for 3 months or so recently and we interacted every day of course, with her seeking me out, asking for feedback, talking about her problems, and many other things but she told me that as soon as she moved she was going to go no contact.  Sort of reminds me of your son and his wedding.  I let her go. I do not pursue her in the least. All contact is up to her and she has made a few calls and texts when she needed something and it's kind of interesting.  She talks to me in a voice that says, "I'm not really talking to you but I need something from you so I have to talk to you."  I just stay pleasant.  The last time she called she kept talking over me as I was answering her question, saying, "Okay we're finished, we're done, I'm hanging up."   Since I was still responding to her question, I said very nicely, "I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said as I was still talking. Do you mind repeating it?"  She took a breath and said, "I was just saying okay that I need to go."  And it was kind of interesting in a  hard to explain way. I felt that she understood that she doesn't get to me and hurt me the way she used to.  And I am free to be happy in life again and pay attention to the loved ones who were ignored for so long while we had been enmeshed with her upsets.  I'm hoping it is giving her the space to find herself and heal.    I find that my heart goes out in a big way to your daughter in law, six, and I hope you will continue to invite them to get togethers and just have a good time, let him ignore you and don't put any energy into it.  When my DD did that to me, I learned I could still have a great time.  I would flash a genuine smile her way if an opportunity allowed that to happen naturally. I found I could live with the public display of her ignoring me.  I became comfortable with who I was and the fact that I had tried to reconcile and it was out of my power to change her any more.  Let your daughter in law bond with you as much as she can so that one day when there are grandchildren you will have that link.  If she divorces him eventually, you will also want that relationship intact.  Just be mindful to not step into their marriage problems or take sides if she ever comes to you as that can bite you in the rear one day.