My daughter age 22 years, has BPD, anyone else in the same situation?

[Karen21]

 Hi

I have just come across this site and don't really know what its all about, but I have a daughter with BPD she is 22 years old, and was diagnosed 2 years ago, would love to chat to anyone in the same situation. Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Karen21 &

I'm so glad you found us! If you don't really know what BPD is all about, then you have come to right place 

Have you had the chance to check out all of the links to the right-hand side of this page? The TOOLS and THE LESSONS will give you a very good handle on how your daughter's mind works, and also give you tips on how to make things better... .You will find lots of us to talk to here, who will know exactly what you are dealing with.

Please read all you can on this site, and tell us more about your story. What are the behaviors that brought you here? Does your daughter live at home? Do you have any other children? A spouse? How is your family doing? We'd love to help you, Karen21 

[lbjnltx]

Hi Karen,

I have a daughter, 18 who was dx with emerging BPD at age 12. 

This site is to help those who love someone with BPD educate themselves about the disorder, get support from others who walk the same path, and learn skills to cope, better communicate with our BPD loved ones, and improve our lives.

Sound good?

[Karen21]

Hi and thank you to Ibjnltx, Rapt Reader, Suzn for your welcome, I will give you a history of my daughter, she first had mental health problems which we recognised when she was 14, and could not manage to be in school fulltime, suffered bullying, then she was admitted to a childrens mental health hospital for 5 months, where they said she had cyclothimia, then since then she has tried NHS and private healthcare, and lots of medications, all the time self harming by cutting, over or under eating, and overdoses, fortunately she has not overdosed for about a year now.  She has not worked for about a year, she moved out of home into a flat about 18 months ago which has helped my family (husband son of 20), she likes her flat but spends only the nights there the rest of the time she is here with us.

Her symptoms are lack of confidence in every area of her life, thinks she is ugly etc (although she is a very pretty girl), she has had one relationship after another since 14 with unsuitable men, the latest she has been seeing for about 18 months, he is a compulsive liar, (even to the point of saying he had booked a holiday to New York where he told me he was going to propose, etc, then the day before they were due to go she found out it was all a lie and never booked, he had kept it going for months, this is just one example) but she still keeps seeing him .

She is never happy or relaxed, finds friends very difficult only has one who she sees about once a month, does not like people, social situations, does not know who she is or how to behave, thinks she is boring, a bad person having said all this she is a sweet person, she finds it hard to have empathy to others, but she is never violent or abusive, she is more likely to squash her anger down and let people walk all over her.

She is constantly thinking about suicide and feels its cruel to let her live in so much pain, and cannot see an end to it, she has had lots of therapy but does not seem to engage very well, she has a CPN she sees every week and likes her, she has a Depo injection every 2 weeks, and a tablet to stop the side affects of that.

Sorry for the ramble on, I could write a book, as you all will understand, I just want to help her I cannot stand seeing the pain she is in and I am so scared I will lose her, thanks for reading this Karen21 

[Karen21]

Sorry ment to mention she was given a diagnosis of Bipolar 2 by the private doctor, but now has the diagnosis of BPD, which I think probably fits her symptoms, she also lost a very close friend 18 months ago who took her own life at 20 due to years of mental health issues, and had been in hospital for about 2 years before she took her life, this has upset my daughter greatly making it all very real, thanks for listening 

[lbjnltx]

Hi again Karen,

Thanks for posting the history of your daughter.  Is she in her mid 20's now?

It would be beneficial I think for you to begin to read Lesson 1 in the side bar to the right.  This information helps us understand the thinking errors and belief systems of our children with BPD.  The skills in the other lessons help us meet the needs of our kids through communication and put us in a better position to help them. 

Through improved communication we can strengthen our relationship with our kids and have a more positive influence to encourage them to help themselves.  We also can begin to feel empowered ourselves and this helps with our fears and sadness.

We will help you along the way so please ask questions and continue to talk about your struggles.

lbjnltx

[JustAMum]

Hi, my d is 17 but reading about your d sounds so very much like mine. The belief that she is a bad person, the self loathing, the self harm and an attempted OD in the past. My d still lives at home and is still in school. It's hard being her Mum and exhausting as she is such high maintenance. Just wanted to reach out and let you know that you are not alone.

[Eggdad]

Hi Karen21,

My daughter's story has many points in common with yours. She's 22 and was dx BPD at 20. Started having serious emotional difficulties at age 7,  saw various professionals from age 8 to 18 but nothing helped. Had no self-esteem, couldn't  keep friends because of constant conflict, stress and anger outbursts. Self-harmed with cutting, constant  suicidal thoughts and one suicide attempt with pills. Luckily she has never done drugs and doesn't abuse alcohol. At 20 we all learned about BPD and she accepted the diagnostic. We also helped her move out to her own apartment because having her stay in our house was impossible.

In the past 2.5 years she has gone through 4 individual therapists, all specialized in BPD and DBT. Sha was also kicked out of a DBT group. In the first year her personal life was a roller coaster of bad emotions and conflicts, she would call me several times a week in complete emotional breakdown. Slowly, even through the aborted therapies, she has learned some DBT tools and my wife and I learned to validate her emotions and to stop enabling her. This last part was especially difficult for me. I had to stop rescuing her and let her suffer the consequences of her bad decisions and let her find her own solutions, even if I didn't agree with them. It's been a long a rocky road but it was worth it. Today she's been seeing the same therapist for over six months and this is the first one to whom she has really opened up. Emotional collapses happen less than once a month.

She still has a lot of self-building to do. Needs 15 mg of seroquel before going to bed otherwise she can't sleep. Also needs daily sertraline and welbutrin to regulate emotions. Progress is slow but durable, with occasional regressions.

I hope my daughter's story will give you hope.  What turned it around for her was:

Her: accept the diagnostic and be willing to work at getting better

Us: learn about BPD and her limitations, learn to validate, stop rescuing

Eggdad

[mimi99]

Hi Karen21.

I also have a daughter with BPD. She is 24. Multiple attempts at therapy, never followed through with. Dozens of different medications abandoned a few weeks after starting. Rages over simple things like someone eating the last piece of cheese. Serial relationships with each guy more scary than the last.

I had become so angry and resentful that I didn't feel like I had any responsibility-- it was all her fault. I went back and forth between thinking that she would get better as she matured and thinking that she was just "nuts". I felt the need to point out the flaws in her thinking, and "help" her to make better decisions.  I now see how invalidating that was.

My husband recently found this site and I must say it is invaluable.  The moderators and contributors here steer me in the right direction, and post links to useful information. They model how to communicate with empathy. I feel like I have more compassion for her now and can "stop making it worse"

She no longer lives in our home which makes all of this easier. After years of verbal abuse and walking on eggshells it is a relief to live in peace again. Surprisingly, I don't worry as much about her when she is out of sight, and it seems easier to validate her when it's from the other end of the phone line.

Keep posting and reading. You will find that your story is like many others here, and you'll find the help and support that you need.

[Karen21]

Hi thank you all for telling me your stories, my daughter is 22 now, I really do need to find time to read the tools on the site, but my daughter has been particularly bad lately and is only sleeping at the flat and is here the rest of the time, she is very weepy, which is not good as it is rare she cries, she feels in so much emotional pain, and is afraid that when she is in her flat on her own she will make a suicide attempt, she has done this many times in the past, I have talked to her, obviously trying to make her see it is not the thing to do, and even said she could come through it but be brain damaged or physically harmed which could make it all worse, I just don't seem to have the words which can make a difference, I will sign off now and spend some time reading the tools, thank you all  x