He wants to end the relationship; I want to stay.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've written before asking for help and the advice I got was so kind and well thought out. Now I need advice again. Last night I got off the phone with my BPDbf and he was very angry. He cried, something he rarely ever does in front of me. He said that he resents me, and although he loves me he doesn't want to be with me because I don't make him happy. He said that I made him miserable the last 2 years of our relationship (we've been together 4) because I was dealing with depression and didn't feel the need to get help. He told me multiple times I did during that time. He said I never listen to what he says and he will never forgive me for not getting help sooner because I ruined the 2 years for him.

During the argument, I apologized for making him feel that way. Because he doesn't know how to process emotions, he rarely ever even said anything to be about it over the last few years and believe me if I knew he was that hurt I would have talked with him about it and fixed the problem. When I apologized he yelled and said that if I was sorry I wouldn't have done it in the first place. He also yelled that I completely ruined our relationship and that I need to know this is all my fault. Which I find completely irrational and seems like he is speaking from just anger. Just 2 days ago, however, he called me telling me how much he missed me and wanted me to come visit him. (He is away at college right now.)

I don't want to leave him and I don't want him to give up on this relationship. He doesn't see how much I put up with from him. I love him and I accept him for who he is. He just doesn't seem like he wants me right now. I don't want him to make a permanent decision over temporary anger, as he has said things like this many times before we have broken up and then we have just gotten back together. He says he can't trust me ever again, I don't make him happy, and he doesn't want to try to stay together because he will never stop resenting me. He still keeps saying he loves me though. I said that I will do whatever it takes to make our relationship strong and make him happy but he said "even if you magically make me happy again I won't be happy." I feel like he is pushing me away without even trying to fix anything. If someone said they would do whatever it takes to be with me I know I would at least try, especially if I still loved them.

Thoughts? Is this irrationality cause BPD and if so do you think it's possible for us to stay together and become stronger?

[ElisK]

I've written before asking for help and the advice I got was so kind and well thought out. Now I need advice again. Last night I got off the phone with my BPDbf and he was very angry. He cried, something he rarely ever does in front of me. He said that he resents me, and although he loves me he doesn't want to be with me because I don't make him happy. He said that I made him miserable the last 2 years of our relationship (we've been together 4) because I was dealing with depression and didn't feel the need to get help. He told me multiple times I did during that time. He said I never listen to what he says and he will never forgive me for not getting help sooner because I ruined the 2 years for him.

During the argument, I apologized for making him feel that way. Because he doesn't know how to process emotions, he rarely ever even said anything to be about it over the last few years and believe me if I knew he was that hurt I would have talked with him about it and fixed the problem. When I apologized he yelled and said that if I was sorry I wouldn't have done it in the first place. He also yelled that I completely ruined our relationship and that I need to know this is all my fault. Which I find completely irrational and seems like he is speaking from just anger. Just 2 days ago, however, he called me telling me how much he missed me and wanted me to come visit him. (He is away at college right now.)

I don't want to leave him and I don't want him to give up on this relationship. He doesn't see how much I put up with from him. I love him and I accept him for who he is. He just doesn't seem like he wants me right now. I don't want him to make a permanent decision over temporary anger, as he has said things like this many times before we have broken up and then we have just gotten back together. He says he can't trust me ever again, I don't make him happy, and he doesn't want to try to stay together because he will never stop resenting me. He still keeps saying he loves me though. I said that I will do whatever it takes to make our relationship strong and make him happy but he said "even if you magically make me happy again I won't be happy." I feel like he is pushing me away without even trying to fix anything. If someone said they would do whatever it takes to be with me I know I would at least try, especially if I still loved them.

Thoughts? Is this irrationality cause BPD and if so do you think it's possible for us to stay together and become stronger?

[TheRealJongoBong]

Elise let's get one thing straight. You did NOT make him miserable, HE made himself miserable. You did NOT ruin his 2 years, HE ruined his 2 years. You have no control over his feelings, just as he has no control over YOUR feelings. YOU have control over your feelings. YOU are the only one who can make yourself feel happy. YOU are the only one who can make yourself feel sad.

You didn't cause him to be in the dark place he's in. You can't control what's going on in his head. You certainly can't cure him. He has to do that. He will never see how much you put up with from him because he can't see that he's doing any of it.

Your description of his push-pull behavior is a classic of controlling. He hates you BUT he doesn't want you to leave. He loves you BUT you don't make him happy. He doesn't want you close, he doesn't want you distant. He wants you to be in a SPECIFIC SPOT in his dream world. Is that what you want?

You say you still love him. OK, make a list of all of the things about him you love. Now make a list of all of the things about him you DON'T love. Make a list of all of the things you like that he does. Make a list of all the things you DON'T like that he does. When you're done look at those lists and then look at your feelings. Is this relationship what YOU want?

[Loosestrife]

I can relate to this. I'm sorry your going through it as it really messes with your head