Disrespected

[LostGhost]

I've had a humiliating and rough night. I've never felt more disrespected by another human being in my life. I don't have the energy or stamina to write out all the details, but I just has to write something. I feel like I am at such a low now. And my pwBPD almost reserves a special kind of resentment just for me, knows exactly what to do to hurt me and finds some type of sick enjoyment in it all. And all of this after a perfectly normal morning. I have never been painted black so fast in so short a time. I allowed myself to be treated like less than an insect and allowed her and her entourage of male "friends" to walk all over me. I feel so ashamed. All I can think of is she found another source to attach herself too during the afternoon/night and as shoon as she made that realization, I transformed into less than nothing in her mind. I feel like they can attach themselves to literally anyone, a friend, make, female, old, young, attractive, unattractive. She doesn't seem to care as long as they tell her what she wants to hear at the time she needs to hear it.

It's hard to believe that every person they attach themselves to will experience this cycle with them, because when they idealize someone it seems so incredibly intense, that person can do no wrong.

I have to escape my attachment and find a way to erase her from my brain. I wish we'd never met. It's too painful. This will kill me.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi LostGhost, sorry to hear you're feeling so disrespected and humiliated. Those are tough feelings to get through. At the same time, it sounds like intellectually you have an understanding that her behavior is part of her mental illness, it's in her mind, not a true reflection of you and your worth.

Some people are drama queens and button pushers, and sometimes the best way to deal with that is to starve them of material. How do YOU usually deal with people being disrespectful to you?

[LostGhost]

Thank you for your reply.

Last night I didn't deal with it in a healthy way. I became a doormat to abuse essentially. It's like the entire night was orchestrated and carefully planned by her and her friends to wound me internally as much as possible.

I have tried everything. SET, validation. These techniques are bandaids. They do not lead to happiness, they lead to a fragile stability at the best of times.

If you really want to see how they feel about you and really observe their true colours, here's my advice. Take them and a group of their friends you don't know well and go hang out with them. Drive them all around, pay for their drinks and food. Watch them all have a great time while you are left on the sidelines. They are fragmented chameleons, they just mirror whatever is around them. You will soon observe they cannot mimic multiple identities at the same time and they will be forced to choose one to identify with. If it isn't you, prepare to be humiliated, degraded and minimized to an extreme degree. You will discover everything you shared with that person was an illusion. Everything you thought you knew about them was a carefully constructed persona. I've never seen anyone be so willing to go out of their way to hurt me. I had to watch her be groped and fondled, listen to me being insulted and belittled, private details of our relationship divulged, watch myself be villainized just so she could latch onto some validation. I've spent every day of two years being her partner, best friend, support and caretaker. And I was discarded like human trash while she paraded around in front of me with guys she hasn't even talked to in two years and had painted black. But they were in town for a mutual event and the rest is history.

In a way I am thankful to have finally witnessed the person hiding behind the mask, what she really looks like. And I refuse to allow myself to be a doormat like that again to anyone. The path to come to this realization was nothing but a world of pain and suffering. Whether she is mentally ill or not, I no longer care... .you don't treat somebody you care about that way.

[workinprogress]

Very powerful stuff Lostghost.  I'm sorry you went through all of that.  Unfortunately, I can relate to the tales of ridicule in public.

[rotiroti]

Oh Ghost... .I am so sorry you had to be treated so badly, especially by a partner who you loved for 2 years.

I have tried everything. SET, validation. These techniques are bandaids. They do not lead to happiness, they lead to a fragile stability at the best of times.

These are useful tools to cope with a pwBPD's behavior, as nons it's upto US to make the changes to make things work. A r/s with a pwBPD is really a life-style, you have to go in fully prepared to change your end of things if you want it to work. I see on the staying board with people who are able to live like this, but it's an incredibly hard one and not one I could do personally.

If you really want to see how they feel about you and really observe their true colours, here's my advice. Take them and a group of their friends you don't know well and go hang out with them. Drive them all around, pay for their drinks and food. Watch them all have a great time while you are left on the sidelines. They are fragmented chameleons, they just mirror whatever is around them. You will soon observe they cannot mimic multiple identities at the same time and they will be forced to choose one to identify with. If it isn't you, prepare to be humiliated, degraded and minimized to an extreme degree. You will discover everything you shared with that person was an illusion. Everything you thought you knew about them was a carefully constructed persona. I've never seen anyone be so willing to go out of their way to hurt me. I had to watch her be groped and fondled, listen to me being insulted and belittled, private details of our relationship divulged, watch myself be villainized just so she could latch onto some validation. I've spent every day of two years being her partner, best friend, support and caretaker. And I was discarded like human trash while she paraded around in front of me with guys she hasn't even talked to in two years and had painted black. But they were in town for a mutual event and the rest is history.

Damn.

In a way I am thankful to have finally witnessed the person hiding behind the mask, what she really looks like. And I refuse to allow myself to be a doormat like that again to anyone. The path to come to this realization was nothing but a world of pain and suffering. Whether she is mentally ill or not, I no longer care... .you don't treat somebody you care about that way.

Really powerful insights here - despite BPD it boils down to our exes not being right for us.

No one should treat anyone with that sort of abuse and humiliation... .what would an ideal r/s look like to you?

[JQ]

Ghost,

Dude I'm sorry that you had to see & experience what you did to get to this point ... .it sounds all to familiar with my first exBPDgf and I know what you're going through. It was a similar experience although not as public as yours that I had reached my breaking point.  In a nutshell, she would rub my face in the fact that she was out all night with Bob, or Sam or Brian or whoever and went dancing, great time, they bought me drinks, etc. You know the story all to well.  I remember like it was last week when in reality it was 20 years ago.  Now I didn' t know anything about BPD at the time ... .I just thought she was playing games, etc.

SO I sit outside her apt in the morning when I got off from work doing the swing shift (12 midnight) she was working her evening job but due to get off about 12-1 am ... .I had a bouquet of flowers ready to surprise her all part of a grand plan to finally win her over. Well ... .I waited ... .waited some more ... .parked my car where I could see the drive way to her apartment but she couldn't see my car. Finally about 6 am she drives up and parks her car, she gets out of her car wearing her work outfit but bed head ... .you know that walk of shame hair. SO I jumped out of my car as she's walking towards the door ... .my car was parked next to the dumpster. I remember yelling out some smarta$$ comment like long night at work? She turned to see me & the flowers in my hand ... .she says "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE" in a very angry tone ... .my response was,  "I came here to surprise you with flowers after you got off work 6 hours ago ... .I guess I'm the one that got the surprise ... .you know ... .don't call me anymore ... .have a good life" and with that I took the flowers & through them in the dumpster as she watched me do it. I then got in my car ... .rolled down the window & said, " I hope he was worth it". And drove off before she could think up of any far fetched excuse to try & convince me to stay ... .it was all innocent.

She called numerous times & left voice messages saying how sorry she was one moment, then the next rage & told me such vile things how it was my fault. Then call a while later telling me nothing happen it was all innocent. Shortly after that I was back in the military active duty & leaving the state. She stalked me for a couple of years getting my number and calling me doing nothing but breathing on the phone. It stopped when I told her that if she did it again I would call the FBI for a stalker of someone who held a security clearance. I never heard from her again ... .UNTIL !   right after my divorce a just over a year ago. My BPD mother gave her my phone number. Now technology is awesome and I can just block her calls & text ... .LMAO    Oh this was the crazy one that threaten "if I can't have him no one can" ... .I ended up with a 9mm & a permit to carry.  BTW ... .that nightmare lasted about 2-3 years if memory serves me right. I have told that story to many a friends ... .she is known as the Batsh!t Crazy, redhead psycho biiiaaatch !  jus saying 

Know that you're in good company buddy ... .IT GETS BETTER! IT REALLY DOES!  You'll find more then a couple of women out there who want to date a nice guy, carrying, and it's going to be a wonderful thing. Hang in there!   This experience was a life learning lesson ... .that's all. Take a deep breath ... .oohhh saaaaa ... .oohhh saaaa ... .   

Until then you need to heal yourself ... .take as much time as you need ... .don't rush anything ... .get out and do something physical ... .run, weights, bike, all of it ... .burn off some steam & frustration. Get some sleep because chances are you're not sleeping well ... .start to eat better because I would bet that you're not doing that either.  Spend some time with a friend or two ... .football starts in a week or two!  WHOO HOO!  Do some guy things!  Go hunting, 4 wheeling, mudding, guys night with a burger, beer & an action movie!   

Before you know it, NC will have been 4 weeks & you'll feel better then you do right now. Each day after that gets a little better ... .lets be real ... .you might have a moment or two ... .you might take a step backwards or two ... .but lean forward & push through it and get back on pace !    Get back here to let us know how your doing ... .if you need some more help ... .or you just want to vent or bounce an idea about something.

JQ

[LostGhost]

rotiroti: Thank you for your reply. I agree with it being a lifestyle. The tools help to navigate that life with a deeper understanding for sure. This was my first recycle with my partner. The first relationship lasted 7 months. I researched everything I could and learned about BPD and sure enough was recycled after about two months apart. The second relationship had a lot more stability and the tools seemed to be fairly effective for about 5 months. And then her ex-boyfriend committed suicide. I tried to be a strong support for her but it was futile. Our intimacy died after that and we never got it back. We were together 11 months and were intimate maybe 6 times. And nothing could revive it.

She became an emotional black hole that was never satisfied or content. Inevitably, as they tend to do, she pulled some very random stuff out of a hat and started with the accusations about what I feel, what I want, what I think of her, she's a bad person, nobody likes her, she should just die and on and on and on. And then I was quickly devalued and painted black. And it went on like that for another 6 months where nothing I did was good enough. I was just discarded like trash. I don't know if she found a replacement during that time (at least an emotional one), or what happened. I assumed that when you are painted black, someone else is painted white. But being that her ex was now deceased, I don't know who it was she would have painted white. All I know is when I was used like a doormat last night while she had a great time at my expense, those guys were definitely white. And I don't even think I was black. I was something non existent, a complete non entity in her life. After everything we'd been through and shared together, I wasn't even a memory. Just nothing.

You ask what an ideal relationship would look like to me. I think it would resemble mutual respect, loyalty, devotion. I would like someone who asks me how my day is for once instead of the other way around. I would like someone else to be the first to say "I love you" or to initiate a kiss with me. Someone who shows me that they actually appreciate my being in their life. I don't require grandiose gestures of affection, or gifts, or anything. I just want to feel closeness and intimacy with my partner. I don't want to ever become a doormat, or subjected to emotional or psychological abuse. I want someone who is kind to everyone but also reserves something extra special for me as their partner and treats me a little better than they would treat a stranger or random person they just met. I would like someone who does not withhold sex or intimacy as a form of punishment/reward. Someone who is capable of seeing the big picture, who doesn't view me as either 100% good or 100% bad with no in between. Am I asking too much?

workinprogress: Thank you for your reply. I'm sorry to hear you also have your own tales of woe  I can relate to how that must have felt. I am so repulsed by how I was treated. I feel like it was a nightmare and I would like to wake up now. I did nothing to deserve what happened. I don't understand how I could go from a perfectly normal morning, to the afternoon/evening from hell. Like it was designed to push all of my buttons in just the right way. Just the things the guys were saying too, it was like everyone had a conversation beforehand with my partner about what they could all do together to destroy whatever dignity I had left as a human being.

JQ: Thank you for your reply and for sharing your story. I can relate to some of the betrayal you must have been feeling. I think it's unfortunate that a lot of us are probably very sensitive people who only want to love their partner with absolute dedication and devotion. But because we are nice, kind, generous people, they take advantage of it and exploit it. It's truly bizarre that your ex is still trying to contact you after all these years. After the night from hell last night, I honestly can't imagine why or for what reason my ex would want to contact me. I just can't see it. Last time I would have practically begged her to come back. This time if she tried to contact me, I'd be more inclined to delete and block everything to do with her. I just feel so humiliated and I cannot entertain the idea of ever being in a relationship with her again. Too many bridges were burned this time and I think it's better for me to walk away permanently. I only have a morbid curiosity why she would want to contact me but I honestly don't think there's any words she could say that could convince me to come back as a partner or even as a friend. The apology from her would have to be 10 pages of pouring her heart out... .and I don't think pwBPD typically write very much. They seem to let out little one sentence text messages about what they're thinking or feeling so I just don't envision her being capable of mustering the kind of apology I would require.

Unfortunately like many here, I suffer from that nice guy syndrome where I have a hard time just blocking people out of my life. Especially if she comes at me with suicide threats or whatever else she thinks it might take to get my attention. At this point, I think she has a sufficient amount of distractions to keep her entertained and occupied. She is getting her supply from somewhere. Because she's certainly not getting it from me.

Is this truly a cycle? Is there a likelihood she will try to reach out yet again? Last time I felt like things ended in such a way that the door was left open to future contact, though I wasn't expecting it. This time I feel like I made it pretty clear that I will not stand for this kind of treatment or abuse. And then she went ballistic saying I think she's a bad person, she should just die and "there will never be a chance for a relationship in the future now, not after this. We can only be friends". I said "I don't want to be your friend, my feelings for you are not platonic and a friendship would never work between us". And she replied saying "I don't believe you. You will just text me tomorrow."

Which obviously I have not done, nor do I intend to. I will not be the one to reach out this time.

I know they are sensitive to every word, facial expression or subtlety in our communication. I'm pretty sure I triggered every abandonment fear she has. To be honest though, I don't feel like I did anything wrong. I stood up for myself for once and told her I wouldn't just stand around and be a doormat. If she didn't want me to "abandon" her, then she shouldn't have been doing everything in her power to push me to the door, telling me to get out of her life.

I don't know about all of you... .but it's a sad reflection of the relationships we are in when I receive more genuine care and concern from people in this community whom I've never met than I ever did from her. What about all of you? When is the last time your partner was the first to say "I love you" or the first to initiate a cuddle session, or intimacy. When was the last time they offered to give you a back or head massage and not the other way around? When was the last time they went out of their way for you? When was the last time they made you feel appreciated and feel like if you died today, they'd actually miss your presence. The last time for me was during idealization phase, which lasts anywhere between one week to one month. Then it settles down a bit into a contentment phase for a few months before gradually sliding into devaluation. Which lasts until they find a replacement I assume. I waited for literally 6 or 7 months for devaluation to end but it never did. It just culminated in what happened last night. 

Patience, communication, signs of affection, understanding, SET, validation, radical acceptance. All of these things seemed unable to resume a quality relationship with her.

Thank you all again for your wisdom and insight. I wish us all strength.

[LostGhost]

And just like that I'm ruminating about her again, just like last time. I'm in a better place this time around, eating right, exercising, keeping myself busy. And yet she, our relationship and memories are on my mind, the good times and the bad. I am already wondering when/if she will make contact. Two days and nothing so far. Took two months last time. It's sad that I can safely assume she's already replaced me but I still want to hear from her. Why can't I just be angry for once and have some self respect and move forward. I had a great upbringing as a child. What makes me want to be with her yet again? Do I enjoy pain, suffering and drama? Feeling a little disappointed in myself. Like what would it take for me to realize nothing good will ever come of this? For her to literally tear my heart out and eat it in front of me?

[rotiroti]

You ask what an ideal relationship would look like to me. I think it would resemble mutual respect, loyalty, devotion. I would like someone who asks me how my day is for once instead of the other way around. I would like someone else to be the first to say "I love you" or to initiate a kiss with me. Someone who shows me that they actually appreciate my being in their life. I don't require grandiose gestures of affection, or gifts, or anything. I just want to feel closeness and intimacy with my partner. I don't want to ever become a doormat, or subjected to emotional or psychological abuse. I want someone who is kind to everyone but also reserves something extra special for me as their partner and treats me a little better than they would treat a stranger or random person they just met. I would like someone who does not withhold sex or intimacy as a form of punishment/reward. Someone who is capable of seeing the big picture, who doesn't view me as either 100% good or 100% bad with no in between. Am I asking too much?

Of course not!

Think about it. Didn't you offer ALL of those things? Why not put yourself and future partner to the same standard. There will be loving partners for you in the future who will return all of that and then some!

[JQ]

And just like that I'm ruminating about her again, just like last time. I'm in a better place this time around, eating right, exercising, keeping myself busy. And yet she, our relationship and memories are on my mind, the good times and the bad. I am already wondering when/if she will make contact. Two days and nothing so far. Took two months last time. It's sad that I can safely assume she's already replaced me but I still want to hear from her. Why can't I just be angry for once and have some self respect and move forward. I had a great upbringing as a child. What makes me want to be with her yet again? Do I enjoy pain, suffering and drama? Feeling a little disappointed in myself. Like what would it take for me to realize nothing good will ever come of this? For her to literally tear my heart out and eat it in front of me?

Ghost,

You're doing the right things to be putting yourself in a better place sooner rather then later. You're eating right (huge thing to do right), your exercising which is needed to burn off extra stress & frustration. and least but certainly not last you're keeping busy doing whatever it is your doing. GOOD ON YOU!      So many don't ... .it's those small things that help the most.  You're moving forward ... .at a slow steady pace ... .baby steps ... .BUUUUT you are moving forward!  Sometimes like everyone else in the world you're going to take a step or two backwards ... .THAT'S OK ... .we all do. So you catch yourself, LEAN FORWARD ... .and take that first step again    

Stop questioning yourself why ... .you do not enjoy pain, drama, etc ... .you care very much about another human being that is severely emotionally damaged. YOU didn't CAUSE it!  YOU can't CONTROL it!   YOU certainly can't CURE it!    You will think of her, the good times, the bad times on occasions ... .THAT IS NORMAL!  But as each day passes that you have NC, it'll get better ... .don't kid yourself ... .there will be moments that it will suck ... .BUUUUT the good news is ... .those moments will pass as they always do ... .AND thing will get better ... .they always do!    30 days makes a habit ... .mark it on a calendar ... .really ... .I have one on my cell phone ... .put a note on the day you last had contact with her ... ."NC" ... .then everyday put it on the next day ... ."NC" ... .the next thing you know ... .30 days have past and that gut wrenching pain will be nothing more then a fart waiting to leave your butt ... .     You HAVE to keep a since of humor !  Laughter is the best medicine!    

Keep up with the exercise! Keep up with eating & eating good. Junk food does nothing good for you ... .ok ... .every once in a while we all love chocolate cake!  

Regular football is almost here ... .preseason is like ... .whatever ... .it does't really count ... .it just gets me more in the mood!  Watch your team with a buddys ... .a beer & some burgers on the grill!   This should be a good time in your life Ghost!  SO ENJOY IT!  

JQ