Here I am again, yet another break up

[Lifewriter16]

It is with a great deal of sadness that I have to report to you that when my BPDbf suggested we break up this morning, I said: "Let's!" with more enthusiasm than I ever expected to feel in the circumstances. We had a right royal row for an hour with him telling me that the fact he detaches is all down to the fact he doesn't get to see me enough or because I shut him out, then me replying: "That's fine coming from a man who has frequently told me he is detached most of the time". There are times when SET just doesn't quite hit the mark and today was one of them. I just wanted to say it as I saw it and not worry about his feelings because he hurts me. I sound so mature!

He asked for more time with me. He said he's being perfectly reasonable wanting more time with me and that he would be able to stay connected if he had the stability of regular contact. I didn't agree to his request. The joy of being with him has gone and the prospect of spending more time with him just feels like a chore. I'm now much more familiar with how his coping modes manifest and I have to confess that my heart sinks when he starts to tell me that the government is ruining his life. When his face is etched with anxiety, I know he's dysregulating and I'm in for a rough ride. When he says he doesn't know what he wants, I know he's in a mode  and it's not going to go well unless I spend hours 'mothering' him, cuddling him and soothing him in a very literally maternal way. I've got so sick of it that even though I feel the love I have for him when we are both able to connect, the rest of the time, I feel a sense of doom at the thought of even seeing him let alone spending the rest of my life with him.

Today's row, followed 36 hours of destructive text messages that ensued because I told him I didn't want him to come over because the previous 24 hours together had been 'a struggle' and 'pretty unbearable with us both being cut-off'. He wanted me to reassure him of how much I love him and how I'm going to do everything that I can to make our relationship work and how we have a future together. He wanted me to make him feel safe enough to not detach from me. I said "No!" and I felt a raw anger flash through my eyes that took me aback. I have put so much into this relationship yet he recognises none of it. He says he's the only one that's working on this relationship, dealing with the stuff that stops it working. I know he has worked hard but he undoes all his good work in a moment when he threatens to leave or tells me to "F*** off!"

His basic gripe with me is that I 'shut him out' which includes time when I deal with my issues or 'push him away'. I do like my own head space. He has no right to explanations as to my state of mind, even if they are to allay his fears and anxieties. I'm fed up of having to soothe him. To me, he needs to trust it's not about him. Of course, he can't do that.

My basic gripe with him is that he is so demanding of my attention, that it is difficult for me to deal with my own issues or even have my own life (I have kids too and sometimes, he feels like the third child in the house). There's always some issue of his rearing its ugly head and along with it, his equally ugly coping modes. When he starts talking about his father or his ex-wife, I know the whole night will be lost to his dysregulation. I resent the fact that so little of our time together is spent enjoying things together or even really being together. What's the point in spending more time together if he's detached anyway and not really with me anyway? It's all just emotional work for me with no reward.

Right now, I'm aware of how angry I am, how resentful. I loved him and I believed that when I found the man I loved and who loved me back, it would 'just work' and I'd be happy and everything would have been 'alright in the end'. None of that happened. Indeed, it has been the biggest nightmare relationship that I have ever been part of.

It seems that the intimacy is too much for both of us given that we exasperate each other and lack basic trust in each other. For me, it's just not sensible to trust someone who can be so nasty and even admits it in retrospect, but only in a 'yes-I-was-nasty-but-that-was-understandable-in-the-circumstances' kind of way. We both have trust issues. He expects 'love' to leave, so do I. Threatening to leave is one of the manifestations of his BPD, so his behaviour used to be a massive trigger. Seven weeks apart and the realisation that it's just a form of control took the sting out of that old trigger so I've been able to ignore his recent threats (numerous as they were). However, my ignoring his texts is a massive trigger for him and as I ignored them, he just blamed me more and more for everything that's gone wrong. He tells me he's going to find a 'normal' relationship - good luck with that one.

Eventually, we managed to calm down and we agreed to 'just be friends' and parted company without any of the heartache that I felt last time and apparently with no ill-will on either part. He has deleted my text number just in case he is tempted to send me further barrages of abuse once he flips modes again.

However, I've just seen that he's sent me an email asking me what I hope to achieve by us being just friends as it will destabilise him - he's changed modes again and now I have to deal with that one too. It could be so easy to hate him because I loved him and because he's caused me so much pain. I don't want to do that, but I do want to stay out. Wish me luck, the latest barrage of abuse is just about to begin... .

Lifewriter x

[Sadly]

All very sad, I am so sorry. You seem quite pragmatic about it which is a good thing. Maybe you could answer his email by saying yes you are right, I see we cannot just be friends without it de stabilising you and I don't want that so lets just say goodbye. I am going through the just friends thing at present and although he genuinely in his world cannot see why it is not possible I have told him NO, might work for you , won't work for me, end of.

I hope for some peace for you  now LW. x

[rotiroti]

There's very little I miss about my ex-fiancee, I suppose going from the last sliver of hope to none is something that i'm still working on.

What I definitely don't miss are the fake lame apologies:

For me, it's just not sensible to trust someone who can be so nasty and even admits it in retrospect, but only in a 'yes-I-was-nasty-but-that-was-understandable-in-the-circumstances' kind of way.

I absolutely hated those. Just when the apology words were coming out I would feel relief, only to be baffled when the situation was blamed.

I'm sorry that all of this is happening to you, but I am also really proud that you stood up for your values.   Yes SET works, but when it becomes a lifestyle? It can get old fast.

[Moselle]

Sorry to hear about your breakup. These things are truly heartsore and i can empathise with that.

How are your boundaries? Perhaps its best to make those clear. If he respects them, it shows he can be a friend.

Also why do you want a friend who you don't trust?

[Darsha500]

I had to get on the boards because I was having a little fit of missing my ex. Reading your post was just was the doctor ordered.

I was really impressed by your post. I thought, "Wow, this lady is able to handle her bf with such tact, she really seems to know what's she's up against. Me on the other hand, I had no idea what I was doing; I was so unprepared for what I had to face."

But then it dawned on me, these skills that must be implements, this lifestyle as never neverAgainsthanks refers to it as, is something that must be put into place to deal with behaviors that are outside the norm. WHAT A HEADACHE!

I've had this revelation before. In fact, this revelation played a huge part in my decision to abandon ship. But it helps to be reminded of it repeatedly. Especially when I'm missing her.

I'm an ambitious guy, I wanna go to grad school and I have allot of life ahead of me. Like you had said, these relationships demand so much effort on the nons part. It just simply isn't worth the hassle. Not when I've got so much more to live for.

Thanks for sharing your experience. Very inspiring.

[FannyB]

Hi Lifewriter

His bucket hit the bottom of your emotional well - there's no drops of water left for him now.

I admire your resolute stance. Much better it ends now than you reach this point 20 years hence with a couple of kids in tow. 

Know how you feel as my exit was similar to yours. The sense of relief was palpable.


Fanny

[Lifewriter16]

Thanks everyone for reading and for your replies. I know I was only able to do what I did today because I was feeling cut-off from my feelings and I couldn't connect with the love I have for my BPDxbf. That means the worst is yet to come. I felt myself softening at times whilst we talked but it would be far better for me if I don't give myself the opportunity to re-connect with my love for him when I am in a situation that might lead me to take an action I could live to regret. I know I am doing what he accuses me of doing and pushing him away rather than allowing love to grow between us, but basically, it's about self-protection and being able to live in a sane world.

Earlier, my BPDxbf emailed me as follows:

I said I wanted us to spend more time together so we could build a stable connection. So you ended the relationship. I don't understand it

I replied as follows:

All your texts yesterday convinced me that it would be unfair of me to encourage you to invest your emotions further in our relationship when I can not see a future together. Better to be brave and do the most loving thing for you by letting you go and find love elsewhere than keep you hanging on and finish it at a later date when the hurt could be ten times worse. I don't want you to suffer. If we finish now, you will suffer less.

I don't know if he'll be able to hear that, but if I'm not willing or able to be a loving partner to him, I'm only going to make him suffer interminably for having BPD. It's not fair to make him live with the kind of anger and resentment that come up for me when he's dysregulating and thus unavailable to me.

Wish me luck because the sadness is already setting in.

Lifewriter x

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Lifewriter,  you sound so REAL. And CLEAR.  To read your words, it feels like you've stripped away the b/s,  gotten super clear and you are left speaking the truth.  A visceral and exquisite truth.

Hold on tight to YOUR truth.   His truth is different.   Yours is the one for you to hold onto.   

XOXO

[OnceConfused]

To me, going from intimacy to being friends is just a nice way to say IT IS OVER.

In his mind, he did not see it as being over and being friends meaning there are opportunities for more contacts and reconciliation.

You can take advantages of what he texted about being destabilized for just being friends to clearly inform him that it is over.

"I see that being friends might de-stabilize you , so I think it would be best if we can say good bye and let each other free to pursue our own life. Thanks."

[Mel1968]

Lifewriter, thank you so much for writing with such clarity about what has happened and your feelings. I find myself in a very similar situation, but have not been so honest with myself, or with her- I've spent since Saturday, when the latest disregulation and painting me black started, being so very calm, so very understanding,  so very supportive, doing everything I should do, following all the rules. In some ways I'm really pleased because, unlike at other times, I do genuinely feel as though I've done as well as I possibly could in the situation and so don't have anything to reproach myself for, but also, there's been a huge bit of me, which I've ignored and pushed down and swallowed, which has been saying, "Mel, this is miserable, even when things are so called good they're only like that because you're a counsellor and a mother to an adult and she's not very good company most of time because she's so negative about EVERYTHING apart from her obsessions which you feign interest in like you do with a 7 year old to keep them happy, and is this really what you want for your life? Really?"

But throughout her latest disregulation I've insisted- to myself and her- that  I'd stick by her, blah blah, but actually, today, the first day of NC after she told me yesterday about how I was the most evil person she's ever met, riddled with disease from all the people I've slept with (not quite sure how I'd physically manage it given she demands ALL of my time and attention, but there you go... .Reality?), and that she will never ever contact me again, today, I had moments of feeling relief and thinking of all the things I could do because I am FREEEEEEE... .But then I told myself I was wrong to think those things,I love her, I'm horrified, I have to make it work, I can't possibly feel ok... .

And so, to return what I said originally, thank you. Your post has allowed me to acknowledge to myself that this relationship is not for me, I've stuck with it because Id invested so much and wanted to believe in it, and because she breaks my heart, I know she's not a horrible person, but a damaged one, and I see glimpses of the potential in our relationship, just enough to hold onto. And because when she adores me, she really really adores me, and that feels great. But the day to day reality, even when she's "fine"? Not right for me any more. Time to move on, for good this time.

Lifewriter, I really wish you strength in the next steps of your journey. It sounds as though you are doing amazingly, and courageously. Thank you for your example.

Mel x

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Everyone,

Earlier, my BPDxbf emailed me as follows:

"I said I wanted us to spend more time together so we could build a stable connection. So you ended the relationship. I don't understand it"

I replied as follows:

"All your texts yesterday convinced me that it would be unfair of me to encourage you to invest your emotions further in our relationship when I can not see a future together. Better to be brave and do the most loving thing for you by letting you go and find love elsewhere than keep you hanging on and finish it at a later date when the hurt could be ten times worse. I don't want you to suffer. If we finish now, you will suffer less."

I have had a reply from my BPDxbf to my email above.

He said: "I agree with you. Goodbye"

Then he sent a further text saying: "You won't see me again and I don't want to hear from you. I want to move on."

Basically, that means he dysregulating. I knew that was likely to happen. He claimed 'just being friends' was his idea and that we only resumed our relationship because of me. I hoped that would stop him from flipping into hatred and blame. It hasn't.

I have felt so helpless in this relationship because there was nothing that I could do to stop him from dysregulating as he triggers were so unpredictable. What I could say to him one day, I couldn't say to him another. What he could accept one moment would become problematical when he had chance to think about it when he had flipped into another mode.

I miss him terribly. I keep checking my phone and emails because I can barely believe that it's over. I still struggle to accept that he was just ill and he's not going to be healed any time soon. It's an awful thought but he probably hates me right now and blames me for everything, simply because he's too hurt to remember that he loves me and too vulnerable to accept that he played a part in how things turned out. However, this is probably the best outcome. It will prevent me from having to get back into SET and managing his behaviours on a friendship basis. He's done what he needs to do to feel like he's in control. The best thing I can do is move on too like he says he will. I don't think that will be so easy for me though.

Love Lifewriter

x

[once removed]

hey lifewriter 

ive followed your story. im really sorry to hear about the painful turn this has taken  . i admire your sense of resolve, and the fact that you are able to balance self preservation (doing what you have to do) with selflessness (expressed in your latest reply to his email).

hang in there, and please keep posting and letting us know how youre coping with this. we are here for you  .

[Lifewriter16]

Thanks for following my story, Once Removed.

And thanks to everyone who has posted on my threads, it really helps to receive replies when I am feeling really sad and desperately wish I could hear from my BPDxbf.

The sadness has really hit me big time now. I wish this was a bad dream that I could wake up from. I'm sure you won't be surprised to hear that I long for him to contact me because I can't stomach the idea of never seeing him again when I love him. Of course, I wish it would all get magically better. However, that's what I hoped for last time and I allowed a final recycle just in case he'd learnt important lessons in our 7 weeks apart that would make our relationship viable. Unfortunately, all it proved was that his abusive tendencies are escalating. Previously, he has only been abusive by text. This time he was openly abusive to my face. From what I have read, many people on these boards encounter that on a regular basis, so it seems that things could only get worse.

I read something on a thread earlier today which I'm hoping will help me stay out and that was that the empty painful place inside is the pain of trauma rather than of love. It is that pain that carries me back in repeatedly. I need to find a way to sit with that pain rather than take it as a signal to go back.

Love Lifewriter

x

[Loosestrife]

Hi Everyone,

Earlier, my BPDxbf emailed me as follows:

"I said I wanted us to spend more time together so we could build a stable connection. So you ended the relationship. I don't understand it"

I replied as follows:

"All your texts yesterday convinced me that it would be unfair of me to encourage you to invest your emotions further in our relationship when I can not see a future together. Better to be brave and do the most loving thing for you by letting you go and find love elsewhere than keep you hanging on and finish it at a later date when the hurt could be ten times worse. I don't want you to suffer. If we finish now, you will suffer less."

I have had a reply from my BPDxbf to my email above.

He said: "I agree with you. Goodbye"

Then he sent a further text saying: "You won't see me again and I don't want to hear from you. I want to move on."

Basically, that means he dysregulating. I knew that was likely to happen. He claimed 'just being friends' was his idea and that we only resumed our relationship because of me. I hoped that would stop him from flipping into hatred and blame. It hasn't.

I have felt so helpless in this relationship because there was nothing that I could do to stop him from dysregulating as he triggers were so unpredictable. What I could say to him one day, I couldn't say to him another. What he could accept one moment would become problematical when he had chance to think about it when he had flipped into another mode.

I miss him terribly. I keep checking my phone and emails because I can barely believe that it's over. I still struggle to accept that he was just ill and he's not going to be healed any time soon. It's an awful thought but he probably hates me right now and blames me for everything, simply because he's too hurt to remember that he loves me and too vulnerable to accept that he played a part in how things turned out. However, this  is probably the best outcome. It will prevent me from having to get back into SET and managing his behaviours on a friendship basis. He's done what he needs to do to feel like he's in control. The best thing I can do is move on too like he says he will. I don't think that will be so easy for me though.

Love Lifewriter

x

I can relate to this exchange. I'm nearly 3 weeks on with NC, despite attempts from my ex. The days have gone so slowly, I have been in a  dark and painful place. The people on this forum have been a godsend. I am now in a place where going back is more scary than moving forward. Stay strong life writer 

[once removed]

"I read something on a thread earlier today which I'm hoping will help me stay out and that was that the empty painful place inside is the pain of trauma rather than of love. It is that pain that carries me back in repeatedly. I need to find a way to sit with that pain rather than take it as a signal to go back."

at quite a ways out myself, i think theres some truth to that. just be careful not to invalidate that pain, wherever it comes from. you alone decide whether or not your pain has to do with love. a breakup doesnt tend to leave anyone unscathed, so regardless of love, trauma, or natural anxieties, the pain is valid, and its okay to feel. i think that you are right about finding a way to sit with it; thats how we emerge from it. youre the only one who can do that (with us here to help  ). and of course its possible that contact at this point could compound the pain.

your actions do not sound impulsive, but deliberate, and even vetted (during recycle), so try to trust in them 

[Moselle]

The empty painful place inside is the pain of trauma rather than of love. It is that pain that carries me back in repeatedly. I need to find a way to sit with that pain rather than take it as a signal to go back.

Love Lifewriter

x

Yes there is the pain of trauma. It is a very loaded relationship. The love of a borderline is intensity. That is how they experience love due to their illness. It is loaded with a simultaneous need for Intimacy and an intense fear of it. Mine told me she loved me... ."Her way"

Her way also involved manipulation, violence, verbal and  psychological abuse, idolisation and demonisation.

By any stretch of the word "love", this cannot be it in my books.

However my personal wounds which resulted in me staying in such a relationship for 15 years are a subject all on their own. Like you I recycled and also like you I ultimately said "No more, I won't be abused anymore". I remember that moment like it was yesterday. It was the moment where I loved myself enough to say "No"

Hang in there Lifewriter. It will get better and better and you will look back and say "thank goodness I had the courage to say No"