Estranged Daughter and Granddaughter

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello.  My wife and I have a 33 yo daughter who has struggled with BPD since her teen years.  She is a single mother and has a daughter, our precious granddaughter who is 5 years old.  Six months ago, suddenly and without warning, our daughter cut off all contact with us.  This occurred after what we felt was a fairly minor disagreement over birthday plans for our granddaughter.  Our daughter told us that she wanted no further contact with us or any other family members until further notice, so that she "could get healthy".  We had been providing her with significant financial support, as she lives 7 hours away from us in a city where the cost of living is high.  She does work full time but by her own admission does not make enough money and is not good at budgets, etc.  Prior to this sudden shift, we had regular contact with her by phone and visited with them 4-5 times per year.  She has refused any attempt on our part to re-establish a relationship with them.  We are very distressed and worried about both of them, and of course we miss our precious granddaughter terribly.  Any advice in terms of how to deal with this situation would be greatly appreciated. 

[DesperateDad]

Hello.  My wife and I have a 33 yo daughter who has struggled with BPD since her teen years.  She is a single mother and has a daughter, our precious granddaughter who is 5 years old.  Six months ago, suddenly and without warning, our daughter cut off all contact with us.  This occurred after what we felt was a fairly minor disagreement over birthday plans for our granddaughter.  Our daughter told us that she wanted no further contact with us or any other family members until further notice, so that she "could get healthy".  We had been providing her with significant financial support, as she lives 7 hours away from us in a city where the cost of living is high.  She does work full time but by her own admission does not make enough money and is not good at budgets, etc.  Prior to this sudden shift, we had regular contact with her by phone and visited with them 4-5 times per year.  She has refused any attempt on our part to re-establish a relationship with them.  We are very distressed and worried about both of them, and of course we miss our precious granddaughter terribly.  Any advice in terms of how to deal with this situation would be greatly appreciated. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AVR1962]

DesperateDad, do you feel your daughter and grand daughter are safe? Has she done this before?

My 34 BPD daughter recently cut me out and with that went her husband and 3 children. I made an attempt to reconnect wish each and there was no reply, no explanation and no contact now for over a month.

If your daughter refuses to allow you a connection with her and your grand child I am afraid there is very little you can do but take care of yourself. I don't know if this helps you but I see it as a time for her to work thru her issues. As long as she has issues with me we cannot really have a meaningful relationship. Sadly, my grand children have been drug thru this when they didn't need to be and I have no doubt that my daughter is blaming me and making that known to her children.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello DesperateDad,

What a heartbreak to go through... .I am so sorry this is happening to you and your wife.

There are no words to gloss over the pain and worry about your daughter and granddaughter, but there is also good news to your story: While people w/BPD are known to cut off contact, they are also known to reconnect when they are ready (or desperate enough) again. And in my personal opinion (not scientific), women are even more likely to reconnect than men.

As AVR has pointed out, there isn't much you can do to change your daughter's mind at the moment, yet there are things you can do to "open the door" for her, so to speak, and to let her know she is welcome when she is ready. If she feels that you are trying to pull her back into a relationship that she is resisting at the moment, she might double down on staying away. So, saying something simple like: "We love you and are thinking of you. Hope all is well with you and granddaughter, we'll be happy to hear from you when you feel like it's the right time."

We are here to support you through this time of separation, DesperateDad, there are parents and grandparents here who have gone or are going through similar experiences, and we support each other in hard times, rejoice together in the good times and learn from each other to improve our communication skills with our loved ones w/BPD - those skills are often counter-intuitive and take some effort to master - they can make a difference in our life and the lives of our loved one w/BPD.

You said that you were supporting your daughter financially - do you think she has someone else in her life who is now filling that role? A boyfriend, perhaps? I also wonder what the "getting healthy" remark may have been about - perhaps a sign of her getting into therapy (persons w/BPD can often use and misuse the words of their therapists to justify cutting someone off in their life... .)?

[DesperateDad]

Thanks for these thoughtful and supportive posts.  I greatly appreciate the advice.  She has never taken such an extreme action before; we are simply mystified as to why she has done this.  Our daughter has always been a good mother, though, and we feel that she is likely safe at least for the moment.  We have gotten some occasional information from friends who are in contact with her, and they seem to think they are safe.  We do not know whether our daughter has any additional source of financial support, but we doubt it.  She has recently been trying to obtain child support.  She was also seeing a counselor at one time although we do not know anything further about that.  We are worried about her finances, as we have been getting phone calls from bill collectors, etc.  We have gotten similar advice from others, along the lines of not trying to force the issue but rather allowing her to say when or if she is ready to resume a relationship with us.  This is very, very difficult and heart-wrenching but likely the best path.  What haunts us is the question of what she has told our granddaughter about us.  We went from a very close relationship with her, seeing her regularly and talking/Skype-ing with her weekly to absolutely no contact.  Does our little granddaughter think we have abandoned her?  Does she blame herself?  All we can do, it appears, is wait... .and pray. 

[AVR1962]

DesperateDad, her willingness to pursue child support an saying she is a good mom are all good indications that your daughter might be struggling with an issue and doesn't want involvement. Trust that is what sh is doing and try to not beat yourself up that your grand daughter might feel abandoned by you, this was not your choice and if this subject comes up you can reassure your grand daughter without pointing fingers. She will be back. This is not uncommon behavior for a BP. Take care of yourself, make contact from time to time but allow her time to work thru her issues.

[tristesse]

Hello desperatedad

I can relate directly to your concern and worries as a grandparent. my BPD daughter is soon to be 32 and she has a 6 year old son. They are currently living with me, but we went through some pretty tough stuff, and she was even no contact for 8 months once.

I understand your concerns as far as the grand daughter are concerned, because we never know what our BPD child has said to them. trust and know in your heart that your little grand daughter has felt nothing but love and acceptance from you, and will be alright when she re-enters your life.

I agree that an occasional text or e-mail to your daughter would be appropriate, as long as you leave it an open door and come across as desperate or trying to force her back to the relationship. Just as pessim-optimist has said, a simple note, saying, hey there, hows it going, we've been thinking about you, are here whenever you're ready. I just wanted you to know that we love and miss you both.

when you are able to connect with the grand daughter again, just reassure her that you love her and will love her forever, no matter what.

in the mean time, take care of yourselves and just keep the door open.