New Here

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

I am new to the boards here. I read the article on break ups and I was truly sitting here mouth open at how it nailed the things I have been through. I have been with this girl several years and it has been a roller coaster of on-again, off-again. The first time it happened everything was great one day and then she just disappeared... .stopped talking. When I reached out to find out what was up, I was met with such truly hateful responses that I quit trying. I was really confused and devastated. I had never been in a relationship like that and naturally I was not thinking "mental disorder." I really wanted closure and was trying to deal with the fact that it didn't look like I would ever get it.

Then one day out of the blue she texted me and said she was wrong not to hear me out and wanted to talk. I was relieved and happy to talk. Well that was the first time and it now we have broken up 4 times. The longest we ever went without a break-up was over a year. The longest we have stayed broken up before she contacted me again is 3 months. I accept that I have myself to blame for going back knowing that a pattern was emerging before my eyes. The going back had much to do with not wanting not to feel the anxiety of the break-up... .the want to "feel normal" again. We are currently less than a month into the last break-up... .and I have no reason to believe that I won't be contacted again by November. I know it will have to be me to be the one that stops this roller coaster and yet sometimes I am afraid I won't.

[Hardtime]

Hello,

I am new to the boards here. I read the article on break ups and I was truly sitting here mouth open at how it nailed the things I have been through. I have been with this girl several years and it has been a roller coaster of on-again, off-again. The first time it happened everything was great one day and then she just disappeared... .stopped talking. When I reached out to find out what was up, I was met with such truly hateful responses that I quit trying. I was really confused and devastated. I had never been in a relationship like that and naturally I was not thinking "mental disorder." I really wanted closure and was trying to deal with the fact that it didn't look like I would ever get it.

Then one day out of the blue she texted me and said she was wrong not to hear me out and wanted to talk. I was relieved and happy to talk. Well that was the first time and it now we have broken up 4 times. The longest we ever went without a break-up was over a year. The longest we have stayed broken up before she contacted me again is 3 months. I accept that I have myself to blame for going back knowing that a pattern was emerging before my eyes. The going back had much to do with not wanting not to feel the anxiety of the break-up... .the want to "feel normal" again. We are currently less than a month into the last break-up... .and I have no reason to believe that I won't be contacted again by November. I know it will have to be me to be the one that stops this roller coaster and yet sometimes I am afraid I won't.

[once removed]

hey hardtime, and

im glad you were able to relate to our article. i think as a member, you will find many stories here you can relate to, and vice versa.

"I had never been in a relationship like that and naturally I was not thinking "mental disorder."

i think thats the case for most of us. my ex was diagnosed bipolar, id literally only heard of BPD by name, once or twice, and i had a very weak grasp on mental illness.

you are not alone in returning to the relationship multiple times. very useful that you recognize your role in this, it will aid you in both understanding and healing.

you say will have to stop the roller coaster and that youre afraid you wont. what do you think it is that keeps you getting back on (the answer is very personal and unique to each of us, and useful to explore). are you hoping things will be different? are you hoping to "get it right this time"?

[Lucky Jim]

I know it will have to be me to be the one that stops this roller coaster and yet sometimes I am afraid I won't.

Hey Hardtime, Welcome!     Only you know when it's time to step off the roller coaster.  Let me ask you this, since you seem to be contemplating another recycle: what makes you think it will go differently next time?

LuckyJim

[Hardtime]

LuckyJim, I don't believe it will go differently next time. I know that it will end up exactly where it always has. In the past it has been the notion that maybe there was hope of getting it right... .maybe we were just feeling our way through a normal relationship. I know now that's not the case. My fear this time is that she will catch me at a vulnerable place... .before I can truly get over the hurt... .I think of it as quitting smoking... .I know it's bad for me... .I don't want it but yet sometimes the thought is "I won't start again; I'll just have this one to kill the withdrawal."  I guess I am afraid that if offered that cigarette before I have time to get the nicotine out of my system that I will cave.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Hardtime, I understand your quandary.  As many have noted, a BPD r/s is similar to an addiction: we know its bad for us but we don't want to stop.  Many here opt for a recycle (I"ve done this, too) in order to relieve the pain, which only makes it worse when it happens again.  One way to look at it is that you will have to endure short-term pain during the b/u in order to gain long-term happiness.  Otherwise, you're just getting back on the same roller coaster, except that the ride gets rougher each time.

LuckyJim

[Hardtime]

"except that the ride gets rougher each time."

That scares me a lot... .I really can't stand to think of having another rough ride... .A rougher ride is out of the question! I appreciate your comments. I know I have to strengthen my resolve to never want to experience this again!

[Corgicuddler95]

I guess I feel (or hope) I'm in somewhat of a similar situation. My BPD ex (who was long distance the past year but won't be by next month) split up with me for the saying she wanted some time to be single almost two months ago and we haven't spoken in a month. we were both each other's first love and it last more than 1.5 years. I actually really want to try again now that we will be closer and want to try and get her some professional help. But it's been so long I'm kind of worrying she's already moved on.

But yeah I think if it didn't work the second time, the next split would be permanent (but if that ever happens I will probly be eating my words)

[zeus123]

hi HardTime

ask yourself why you want to be with someone that can not reciprocate love in a relationship and only looking for narcissistic supply...

[Hardtime]

hi HardTime

ask yourself why you want to be with someone that can not reciprocate love in a relationship and only looking for narcissistic supply...

That's a great question... .In the past I went back because I really wanted to believe in her... .I also think it was to feel good again and not be feeling hurt and lonely. However, that only proved to a short-term thing and I relived the pain and lies all over again. It has been one month since our last break-up... .If the past is any indicator, I will hear from her by the end of October. 3 months of silence has almost always been the exact pattern.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking "that if she would only get help... ."

I know I have to be the one to finally stop the cycle... .I appreciate being able to hear from people on the boards... .It's also amazing to me how many people are experiencing exactly what I have experienced. It's a very sobering reminder that in these relationships it's us that suffer and BPD is none the worse for wear!

[TheRealJongoBong]

Sometimes I catch myself thinking "that if she would only get help... ."

I can relate to your feeling Hardtime. I've been thinking the same thing about my pwBPD for 6 years now. To be fair I had no idea until recently that she even could have BPD, but even when she does seriously hateful things that's one of the 1st thoughts that pop into my head. Take it from me, the longer you stay involved that harder it will be to disengage. Stay strong!