I always end up feeling guilty over my adult daughter's behavior?

[gramma_cocoa]

Hello. This is my first post. I saw this site recommended in a book on BPD and have just registered. I need to understand why I end up feeling guilty, ashamed, like I'm a bad parent whenever I call my adult daughter on her bad behavior towards me. This time: she posted on Facebook, where our friends in common and family ( those who have not blocked her) can see, pictures and shaming comments about me. I, of course reacted with hurt and anger, tearfully posting, " why would you post this?" and yada yada yada. She replies with hurt, throws  in some old stories of her own about how I've always chosen her brother, her step father over her... .all nonsense but I end up feeling badly for HER! It always plays out the same. Help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Welcome to the Parenting Board gramma_cocoa.

I'm sorry that your daughter is posting hurtful things on social media.  People with BPD often do this to get others to help them justify their feelings... .it is their version of the truth based on emotions.  They don't accept accountability for their actions and asking them "why" will only get a defensive response. 

PwBPD (people with BPD) experience attention to others as taking something from them... .they don't understand the concept that love multiplies and doesn't divide so any attention/accolades/love/admiration/kindness to others feels like it is taking away from the attention/accolades/love/admiration/kindness that belongs to her.  She also has a deep sense of shame and unworthiness and on some level doesn't believe she is worthy of love.  Combine these together and she will react negatively.  It is her illness.

Society often blames the parents for the way children/adult children behave.  Mental illness has hereditary as well as environmental roots, have you seen this?: Did I cause this?

Being well educated, skilled in responses, accepting of our child's illness, supportive (not enabling)  and compassionate are things we work on here to get the best possible outcome for ourselves and our kids.  We are glad to have you here learning alongside us. 

lbj

[AVR1962]

So common for the BP, they have to have an audience and more than likely that audience on FB was her supporters. They cannot have a civil one on one conversation, this has to be made public so they get the support they need from their caregivers or support system. To tear you down builds them up, it places the blame on you where they want it as they cannot deal with the reality of their situation and they cannot take responsibility for their own actions. The best thing to do in this type of situation is to not respond to her post. She has a right to post whatever she wants, it might be hurtful but that is her right. You do not have to respond to it. I know that is not easy. You see that her friends and your family are being told thing from her perspective, personal things you would not want on FB and you feel overwhelmed with disbelief and hurt. Your reaction my be to defend yourself, try to correct her perspective with your account of the situation, you might want to understand and support her. I can reassure you that nothing you say in this situation is going to be heard or resolve anything with your daughter. This was intentional to target you and for her to receive the support she was wanting.

You feel guilty because you love your child, want what is best for her and see the hurtful words aimed towards you and you question yourself, you question whether you were the one that hurt her and were not aware, you wonder why you cannot help and everything you try is wrong (in their eyes).

BPD and narcissism are both in the B cluster of disorders and look very much alike. Neither the BP or the NP can take responsibility for their own actions, they project... .blame others for creating their pain. It is very common for a NP or a BP to have a scapegoat and normally that is a person who is safe for them to blame.