Will she come back?

[Freddyroach]

So I am new here and thought I might be able to pick all of your brains for some advice.

I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 5 years and we recently split up. I believe it was on my terms even though she basically gave me no choice but to because no matter what I didn't it was just not good enough. Nobody can live their life giving everything to their significant other only to be yelled at and scolded for it. She has at times said she cannot control it but I didn't quite understand what that meant. How could you treat somome you love so poorly.

I told her that she should be with someone better and that she should be with someone that can treat her right and make her happy. She knew I didn't really mean it especially after the great week we had just had and that she knows no other guy will treat her better than I do. I think she was looking to just have another fight for no reason but I wasn't going to fight because that's what she wants. There's been NC for a over a month now. Any advice? Anything I should do? Will she come back? I only recently found out she most likely has BPD post breakup and now I feel bad that I wasn't compassionate about the condition as I thought it was just her being a crazy person.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Heldfast]

Do you want her back? Keep reading up on BPD and supporting materials (loving a BPD partner, Stop Walking on Eggshells), and work on just you for now. If you are keeping that door open, then give her the space she'll need to find it, but don't be plaintive, don't trigger her, and set boundaries that you'll accept for yourself, i.e. don't be a doormat just to get her back. You never know with BPDs. Mine had narcissistic traits as well, I doubt I'll ever see or hear from her again. As you can see on the message boards though, some run, some run back, some haunt you for years, some go silent... .so who knows? What I do know for myself is this, I embraced my own issues in dealing with this, my own codependence, my interests which needed exploring, my boundaries which needed shoring up. I am doing much better now (and between you and me, and everyone else here) friends and women have noticed. Took a little while to get here, but it's a better me, and that's the only one I have control over.

[SGraham]

Sorry to hear you going through that. I too was only made aware of the fact that my ex had BPD until after we broke up. All i can say is: what ever you do, DO NOT beat yourself up or play the game of "well if i knew i could have did this or that and we would still be together". BPD is super confusing, even for people who know what it is so you have to give yourself some slack. From what you said it seems like you treated her with love and respect, that is all you can do.

Best wishes,

SG

[SGraham]

By the way,

Welcome to the family

[JRT]

They are all different... .I have read just about every flavor of reconciliation and otherwise here... .BPD is referred to a spectrum disorder for this reason... .the thing that you have working in your favor is that you did the breaking up (as I understand it), but I think that this is not necessarily a BPD sort of thing... .most do come back many to a highly annoying degree... .mine split me black and moved out literally overnight while I was away on business... .that was 10 months ago; I have not heard from her since.

[Freddyroach]

Thank you all for the great information. I believe that my Ex really does have rational moments where she knows that she messed up and that I am the best guy she will ever have. How does does this not eat at her like it does me to the point where she comes back. I have no choice but to go NC because if I go back it would just encourage her even more to continue to act this way and treat me poorly because she knows I will always come back.

[JRT]

I don't want to dissuade you from doing what your instinct tells you but I am raising a possibility that is worth considering so that you are prepared and not let down too hard. My ex is a high functioning BPD waif. She is fairly rational and intelligent (and MBA and officer of a small company). I too am inclined to believe that over the course of the past 10 months at some point (or many) felt that she must have screwed something up and had some remorse. But I am now more inclined to believe that what she did was something that she felt that she had no choice to do since I am such a horrible man.

I really hope that things work out your the way that you want (I am not sure that NC is a one size fits all solution though), but prepare yourself for something entirely different and unpleasant.

[Bigmd]

Hey Freddy I'm in same boat as you. New here as well. I just realized my ex of over a month is prob borderline. I got divorced for her , did a lot for her and her kids . We were even buying a house together and getting engaged by years end. The silent treatment was happening more often as were the fits of anger. Our last convo she said I took her for granted and I was selfish and didn't know how to treat a woman . This left me confused because two weeks before she said how much she loved and appreciated me. It was like I was talking to someone else filled with anger and not able to be reasoned with. Its been 3 weeks of nc and I just found out two days ago she fits the criteria to a T. But I find myself sad and missing her . Thought about maybe reaching out but no idea what to say. After all , in our 6 years of knowing each other this has happened many times with far worse arguments. She would always come back or I would initiate contact and things would be good. I'm at a loss right now, I know how you feel.