How to get my wife in therapy?

[Rain2015]

Hi I am new here, and recently discovered BPD which I strongly believe my wife has. we have been together 17years and I have been dealing with this behavior for a long time but until now she has always just been diagnosed with depression. I truly believe she fits the BPD behavior, I am more leaning to just divorce after all the years of cheating and lying etc. However I have brought this to her attention and she doesnt feel she has this, so my question would be does anyone have suggestions how to get help or is it better to just move on? Again im new here so any suggestions are really appreciated!

[UndauntedDad]

Hi Rain,

Welcome.  I hope you find this site as useful as many of us have.  When I decided I had to change things in my self, this was my situation, maybe similar to yours.  14 yr marriage, I had pleaded for therapy or various forms of help for many years.  My wife took these suggestions as attacks, and we were both in denial, eventually I realized something was deeply wrong and I had to move on to survive.  I decided / realized I can only change myself, i can't make her want to change.  So i decided to work on myself first.

The most helpful things for me were coming here, and reading books:  esp. The Essential Family Guide to BPD, High Conflict Couple, and Splitting.  Those books outlined what could happen, helped me see patterns in myself and my wife, and made me feel like there are many others going through similar situations. I also saw a therapist with deep experience with domestic violence, and a psychologist familiar with BPD and co-dependency.  I made a plan for separation.

Our relationship is much better now, and my wife has enrolled in a DBT class, she is seriously change but for a variety of reasons, I think I still need to leave.  Nonetheless, I am healthier now, so I can help my wife and son better, and my wife is coping better now too, which will be necessary as we negotiate separation and co-parenting.

I think no matter what you do, your decision may impact your life, wife, and happiness for many years.  It might help to get as much info as you can before you decide.  Good luck and best wishes.

[Forestaken]

I understand, married 24 years, divorced just over 1 to a uBPD+dOCDw

you can try to get her into therapy but if she doesn't want to go, she won't.  Mine would go 3-5x then stop (4-5 therapists). 

The main thing to do: Read "Stop walking on eggshells" taught me a lot.  It didn't save my marriage, just my sanity.

[LivingWBPDWife]

A lot of people in the EXACT same boat. My BPD I have been with 6 years, and I too thought it was depression, that's what it looked like for year because I was blind to the other indicators. Basically, for 3-4 years, we went out 4-5 days a week, spent tons of MY money (she has like $12 in her bank account each month), so basically I was validating her every day, so stayed happy, and painted me WHITE -- but, when the insane wedding was over on a private island, and we had a baby, and I had to WORK to keep this life style going, she very quickly got bored, painted me black and now I am literally in hell.

If I could divorce her, I would in a min, like RIGHT NOW. But, we have a baby girl, and I want her to have 2 parents. So, I am trying ANYTHING to make this work, but my wife makes it her daily work to TRY and cause trouble (rather she does due to her BPD).

Anyway, as the other poster said, its nearly impossible to get them into therapy, HOWEVER... .what I have done is get US into couples counseling, has nothing to do with her BPD, the counselor knows she is BPD, at least I have told him all the symptoms, I have talked to other experts, and after 6 years, she is a text book BPD. Anyway, he doesn't work with her BPD, but works to teach each of us how to talk -- but, its VERY slow and hard for me, since I have to basically eat crow all day with her crazy accusations, and validate her, etc.

But, my hope is sooner or later, she realizes "something is wrong" and starts to reflect. Now, once in therapy, I have seen (on youtube) people that have v-blogs that seem to be in recovery.

Alas, if you have a reason to stay, then you are in for hell as you know. But, if you can leave, I would, why put ourselves thru this -- we ALL deserve MORE ... .this is NOT fair, and we aren't their caretakers, dads, moms, and I do NOT want the job - you know?

The walking on eggshells book I am learning via therapy to learn how to deal with BPDs, but I haven't read the book yet, nonetheless, seems to me a life with a BPD that refuses help, etc. is just a slow death, and not a life at all.

I am simply willing to do anything for my baby girl, but if there was no baby girl, man in a nanosecond I would be gone, without a single thought of remorse. And the reason why is, who knows WHO we fell in love with? Is there a complete real person in there? Or just projections, simulations loaded up to get what they want at the moment. Now, I realize all those moments we were connecting, were just bull. She fabricated them to validate herself, or set herself up for a validation.

Its pretty depressing... .