What a year it's been

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I know some of you followed my story earlier in the year as I went through the legal system to fight to see my children.

For those of you who didn't. I was stopped by my ex from seeing my children for 3 years because she feared they wanted to come live with me. Tried mediation, she messed around for a year and I lost all faith in the legal system. Finally met a lawyer who wanted to fight and went back through the system again. She did the same thing at mediation again, except they were aware after the last time and pushed it straight to court on her 3rd strike.

End result, courts granted me access to my children in Feb of this year, ex got torn to pieces in court over her actions. It started with just one day every couple of weeks, which then became a weekend which then increased again. I then had my ex asking me to have the girls on her weekends because she had plans and finally I took them away for their first ever trip abroad and on a plane which they both loved.

D10 had been gearing up for a while with questions. Things she had been told, didn't seem to fit so we had a sit down and a heart to heart. Some of it was because she had been asked to lie to cover for her mother and some of the things she had been asked to do and say are not things you ever ask a child to do. One of the questions she asked me was that when she used to have to go to the lawyers office and sit in the waiting room, where was I? I don't know the full extent of what her mother had told her but basically, I was 1000's of miles away and didn't care about the girls. The truth was that I was just the other side of the waiting room door and could hear them. There has been so much she has wanted to get off her chest for so long and although I never went into great detail, I gave her the facts. Even showed her emails and such to prove it.

So she made a decision, that she didn't want to live with her mother anymore because of things that go off in the house. That with me she isn't living in fear or having to prove herself so wanted to come live with me. Given her age, I wasn't too hopeful on the legal system and same with d4 too. However, courts were happy and ex was too. The girls were too costly and interfered with her building life with new boyfriend(not how it was put in court but what the judge said when reading between the lines). So end result, I now have custody of my children and peace is finally being restored.

I've even managed to build bridges with my ex to show that there is no animosity and that she is more than welcome. Helped her out with a few projects she had been asked to do. Despite how the past few years have gone, the lesson I want to try and teach my children here is that no matter how others behave, continue to be yourself and don't sink to the level of others.

It's an adjustment for us all right now, especially d4 but its becoming a fun journey and the girls finally have some stability back in their lives. D10, I bought her a book of science experiments which we are going to turn into YouTube chapters. D4 has never had anyone read her stories at bedtime until she started coming to mine so we are building our book collection and she's learning to read. We spend a lot of time at the pool where they are both learning to swim. As for adjustments around bedtimes and other household chores, me and d10 are gamifying it to make things fun to learn. Little things like that, d4 has never had and d10 hasn't had since she was 6.

It's been a huge adjustment for me too but well worth the fight.

[Ripped Heart]

I know some of you followed my story earlier in the year as I went through the legal system to fight to see my children.

For those of you who didn't. I was stopped by my ex from seeing my children for 3 years because she feared they wanted to come live with me. Tried mediation, she messed around for a year and I lost all faith in the legal system. Finally met a lawyer who wanted to fight and went back through the system again. She did the same thing at mediation again, except they were aware after the last time and pushed it straight to court on her 3rd strike.

End result, courts granted me access to my children in Feb of this year, ex got torn to pieces in court over her actions. It started with just one day every couple of weeks, which then became a weekend which then increased again. I then had my ex asking me to have the girls on her weekends because she had plans and finally I took them away for their first ever trip abroad and on a plane which they both loved.

D10 had been gearing up for a while with questions. Things she had been told, didn't seem to fit so we had a sit down and a heart to heart. Some of it was because she had been asked to lie to cover for her mother and some of the things she had been asked to do and say are not things you ever ask a child to do. One of the questions she asked me was that when she used to have to go to the lawyers office and sit in the waiting room, where was I? I don't know the full extent of what her mother had told her but basically, I was 1000's of miles away and didn't care about the girls. The truth was that I was just the other side of the waiting room door and could hear them. There has been so much she has wanted to get off her chest for so long and although I never went into great detail, I gave her the facts. Even showed her emails and such to prove it.

So she made a decision, that she didn't want to live with her mother anymore because of things that go off in the house. That with me she isn't living in fear or having to prove herself so wanted to come live with me. Given her age, I wasn't too hopeful on the legal system and same with d4 too. However, courts were happy and ex was too. The girls were too costly and interfered with her building life with new boyfriend(not how it was put in court but what the judge said when reading between the lines). So end result, I now have custody of my children and peace is finally being restored.

I've even managed to build bridges with my ex to show that there is no animosity and that she is more than welcome. Helped her out with a few projects she had been asked to do. Despite how the past few years have gone, the lesson I want to try and teach my children here is that no matter how others behave, continue to be yourself and don't sink to the level of others.

It's an adjustment for us all right now, especially d4 but its becoming a fun journey and the girls finally have some stability back in their lives. D10, I bought her a book of science experiments which we are going to turn into YouTube chapters. D4 has never had anyone read her stories at bedtime until she started coming to mine so we are building our book collection and she's learning to read. We spend a lot of time at the pool where they are both learning to swim. As for adjustments around bedtimes and other household chores, me and d10 are gamifying it to make things fun to learn. Little things like that, d4 has never had and d10 hasn't had since she was 6.

It's been a huge adjustment for me too but well worth the fight.

[Panda39]

Hi Ripped Heart,

Thank you for sharing your story, your girls are lucky to have a great dad like you!   

My SO had both of his daughters vote for who they wanted to live with by simply using their feet.  They are much older than your two dear ones (D14 & D19).  Just like yours they were told all kinds of lies and had many questions for their dad.

I wanted to share another post with you that I just found a little while ago about nonBPD dads... .you guys really make a difference in the lives of your kids and should be reminded of how important you are.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111225.0

Panda39

[momtara]

That story brings tears to my eyes. I hope you can come here once in a while and give some hope to dads (or moms who struggle). The nicest part is that your D4, while she may have suffered, is still knowing a life early on full of bedtime stories and things she might have missed out on. It really sounds like things have turned around in 3 years. I think there are some here who lose hope. A long fight (and a GOOD lawyer who cares) are worth the investment.

[Ripped Heart]

Thanks guys, believe me I lost hope in the system a number of times but the key is never giving up even when you feel everything is stacked against you.

Panda39 - That's a wonderful post and thankyou for sharing.

It's also so easy to sink to the same level, fight fire with fire but all the way I chose just to be myself. If my ex was being nasty, I continued to be nice. The whole reason I allowed mediation to go on as long as it did the first time was because I constantly reminded her that I didn't want things to go to court and turn nasty. Puts a lot of pressure on the girls and that was unfair. Basically, I gave her the control and she abused it.

My lawyer did say that if this turned into a custody battle, things would probably have to get nasty but I stuck with the facts and what I could prove. By doing the right thing meant very little dirt could come back the other way.

The main thing for anyone going through something like this is to put aside any feelings of hurt and upset your ex may have caused and remember its about doing the right thing for the children.

My ex bombarded me with nasty texts the other week. I could have reported it but instead just addressed that I wouldn't be spoken to in that manner and if she wanted to talk to me calmly I'm right there. An hour later I got an apology and told people are stirring things about her so she was upset and took it out on me. We talked through her issues and calmed everything down.

The hardest thing out of all of it has been with d4 because for 3 years I never existed. Every boyfriend who came through the door was given the label daddy and stories invented to fit the situation. She knew I existed but only as D10's daddy and d10 got into a lot of trouble if she spoke up about it. It was all unravelling anyway because d4 was starting to wonder why she had the same surname as her sister but nobody else.

So for her, this has been a big year in learning truths but everything is out in the open now and while there are still little ups and downs, things are easing off for her because there is no confusion and for d10 she doesn't have to fear getting in trouble for having to lie where she knows the truth. It also means she doesn't believe anything her mother has told her which is why the questions are coming. I only answer the questions I can back up with facts and prove because I don't want her trapped in confusion again and in the middle of a he said, she said situation.

We have started looking for a new house now probably move in the next 6 months but staying in the area not to disrupt routines and schools. It's just that now it's permanent we could do with something a little bigger so the girls have their own room each and they have already started deciding on how its going to look.

As for next year, both of them want to go abroad again so we have been looking at brochures of all the places we could go. Far cry from a few months that ago where they were both fearful of stepping out of their little bubbles.

Life is good and the future is bright so for those who are struggling right now, things can change. My one bit of advice which carried me through is no matter how dark things may seem and how difficult each day may seem, don't give up on your children because your children won't ever give up on you.

[livednlearned]

Ripped Heart,

You're an amazing guy 

And you deserve this. I'm so happy for you, and for your girls. That must be very confusing for both D4 and D10, and being truthful is important for kids who have been lied to by adults or a long time. I found with my son that when I let him down and withheld information (for age-appropriate reasons), he interpreted that to mean that I was lying. We had to work on establishing trust -- I had to do a lot of work explaining the difference between secrets, withholding information, privacy, regular old forgetting, and lying. In the end, I think the whole point has been to teach S14 to trust himself, and to tell me what he's thinking, and then for the two of us to repair and recover, including letting me make mistakes.

What you're teaching your kids, about being able to treat their mother the way you do -- it will go such a long way. My son's N/BPD father is no longer in his life, not really, just a few texts here and there. I notice S14 is allowing himself to feel compassion for his dad, while also having his (age-appropriate) boundaries. And he is transferring this attitude toward peers.

I am so so so happy for you and glad you came back to post. Your story is so inspiring 

[momtara]

Wow, that last line is so powerful. (Also a bit sad because I know those who, through no fault of their own, had to walk away or give up either due to parental alienation or things only getting worse when they tried to get parenting time. I think maybe with younger kids it's easier.)

"An hour later I got an apology and told people are stirring things about her so she was upset and took it out on me." Sounds like at least she has a conscience and those moments of realization that some BPD's have. It is such a shame what this illness does to people.

Enjoy your trip abroad!

[Ripped Heart]

Also a bit sad because I know those who, through no fault of their own, had to walk away or give up either due to parental alienation or things only getting worse when they tried to get parenting time. I think maybe with younger kids it's easier.

I totally agree with that statement momtara, it's so sad when that happens but no parent in that situation truly walks away, it's impossible to because you carry your children in your heart.

I had to contend with parental alienation too and in a sense, because my ex had total control, I had to walk away from the situation too and got myself into therapy at the same time to cope with the situation. The one thing I've learned with parental alienation is that children are resilient and they certainly aren't stupid. We learn to accept statements made my authority figures as being the truth but when we know something isn't right, we do question where things don't make sense.

As my old therapist once said to me, you cannot control the situation but you can control how you react to it. Even if you do have to walk away, use that time to look forward positively and build a stable, loving and strong environment because the time will come when children grow older and questions start to appear. You can only prepare for when and if that day comes and that's precisely what I spent the past few years doing.

The battle here was also against a very biased legal system where if a father reports abuse, they are considered as trying to create conflict. The only time a fathers concerns have been addressed have been after a child has been tortured and passed away. Then it becomes a public case where questions are asked as to why it wasn't identified sooner. I have a photo that my ex posted on social media where she was bottle feeding d4 who was 18 months old at the time alcohol in the form of a vodka drink, another which d18 months at the time sat trying to drink a can of beer and both my police friends and social services said that it wouldn't stand up in court. The reason being that my ex could claim it was a lack of judgement but that the cans were empty and the vodka drink was something else, just that the pictures looked funny. The only way that would have stood up as abuse if if d18 months at the time had been taken into hospital with alcohol poisoning.

When these kinds of things happen and the legal system is so stacked against you, there is no wonder people walk away. Not because they don't care but because if they continue to keep going up against a brick wall, it's their own health and sanity at risk. More has to be done for children in these situations to make it fair and make it even because it's similar stories around the world and not enough is being done.

As for the apology from my ex, I accept it because it's rare that she apologises but I also know it has nothing at all to do with conscience   I still help her out from time to time sometimes financially and sometimes helping out with something she may be struggling with and asks for help, not with very much but because I want her to be in a place where she can do things with the children without worrying. Before, when the girls lived with her, there would be the occasional emotional blackmail or she would want extra money for things for the girls which I never had a problem giving despite friends and family saying I was doing too much. Now the girls are living with me, she doesn't have anything to hold over me in that sense so if she's nasty, I guess she believes that I have no reason to help her out so that's where the apology comes from. I know the pattern because an apology is usually followed up by a nice gesture and then followed up by asking for something.