I just want a real mom

[Maaeve]

Maybe this has already been talked about. I have a mother with uBPD. You know the story. I am just out of school. I am a perfectionist. I cannot get a job. Several interviews and no takers. Just no luck really. Wonderful loving and supportive boyfriend who takes are of me. We have been together 8 years and just bought our first house together. Being home alone daily makes me sad and lonely. I am currently taking time away from my mom as every interaction with her has been negative. Feeling like I will never get married because of her. I dont want a wedding. I want to elope. It all makes me so sad.Especially when everyone my age is moving on with their lives. I just wish I had a real mom. Does anyone else ever feel that way? I just want a mom who is sweet and listens and gives me a hug when I need it. I just want a mom who truly loves me. I even googled to see if I could be set up with an "adopted mom" (kinda like big brother big sister... .only for people who just need a mom). Anyway I dont think it exists. help? -M

[Kwamina]

Hi Maaeve

It's though having an uBPD mother. I have one too and can very much relate to the sadness you express. Accepting the reality of having a disordered parent isn't easy because this acceptance requires letting go of the 'fantasy' parent we never had, might never have, yet still might long for very much.

Since when did you start to think there might be something wrong with your mother's behavior? What behaviors of your mother do you find most troubling or difficult to deal with?

To the right of this message board we have the Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse. This guide take you from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages:

1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing

Each stage consists of 7 steps. When you look at the survivors' guide, where do you feel you are now? Which of the listed areas do you currently find yourself working on or struggling with?

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

PS. Congratulations on your new home!

[Lifewriter16]

You are definitely not alone in wishing to have a real mum, the type of mother who is loving, supportive, kind and cares. I suspect there are hundreds of thousands of people just like us who also long for the security that would have come from having a real mum. I find myself jealous of people who have decent mothers. Perhaps, an older female friend who shows concern could go someway to meeting some of those mothering needs that were lacking, though, in my experience, the unmet core needs have to been grieved over because nothing can fill the empty place that is left where a mother's love should have been. It hurts and hurts, so my sympathies are with you.

Love Lifewriter x

[Maaeve]

After a huge blowup with my mom about a year ago I began to see a therapist simply beacuse I didnt know how to deal with her. (However I have always known that something was amiss - I moved out when I was 18 because nothing I did was ever good enough - she said if I couldnt live with her rules (she was asking things of me that were impossible) that i should get out. So I did. I didnt speak to my whole family for a year. I was the stright A student who never went to parties or did anything wrong and I was rejected.) Anyway... .this therapist (who was also seeing my mother at the time) suggested that she had traits of BPD.

Mom always had rage problems. Specifically around the house not being clean enough and religion. My mom is very religious. Too much for me. This is the only boundary that I have been able to establish with her. We do not talk about religion. She of course pushes this boundry oftentimes bringing up very controvercial topics around me and specifically around my boyfriend. He is always a target. She is always hating on him. He is so loving and supportive of me and it just kills me the way she thinks of him. Its completely illogical. She twists things he says to make him look bad. We would really like to get married soon, but I fear that I will never be able to have a normal happy wedding. I sometimes fear that he wont propose because he also doesnt want to deal with wedding drama from her. I personally want to elope to Europe, just us (we both speak european langauges) and not tell anyone and just enjoy our time together.

I also fear down the road having kids. I want to have a mom around for that. But I know I would need to create a huge list of rules and boundaries that I know she cannot live up to.

I  am really really depressed about all of this. I dont have many friends. And I would love to connect with a slightly older female friend to help heal a little bit but I just dont know anyone.

My dad and her are still married ( I just dont understand that) He gets it and is very level headed. But from time to time he backs her up on things... .and that hurts even more than when she does something to hurt me.

I recently found out that when I moved out at 18 my mom threatened to kill herself. I have been thinking about distancing myself from her a lot more but this is in the back of my mind.

I guess on the survivors guide I am just begining the mourning stage.

[Kwamina]

It's an unfortunate reality of BPD that some people with this disorder have suicidal tendencies. Did she utter the threat of killing herself to your dad? Are you aware of other instances in which she has made such threats?

When dealing with a BPD parent, boundaries are very important to protect your own well-being.To help you set and enforce/defend boundaries with your mother, I encourage you to take a look at this article:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

I also encourage you to take a look at some material we have here about communication techniques. We have resources here that can help you assert yourself, one of them is about the technique D.E.A.R.M.A.N. which stands for: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindfully (keep) your focus, Appear (confident) and Negotiate:

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship. You also want to protect or even enhance your self respect.

... .

DEARMAN is not simple to do: Steering a conversation through 7(!) defined steps with a person that is prone to dysregulation while you are feeling possibly weak and insecure is virtually impossible.

The key to acquire the skill for DEARMAN lies NOT in following the letters. It lies in learning the underlying skills and practicing them well enough to then being able to steer a conversation through DEARMAN. When looking at DEARMAN it is clear that we are to express needs for change.

... .

DEARMAN is valuable skill that at its very core boils down to:

We have a right to ask for change - the other side may or may not agree, that is fine too.

When owning up to our requests, staying respectful and focused on what we want we improve our chances for affecting change.

You can read more here: COMMUNICATION: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique

[SunshinePuzzle]

Hi Maaeve   

You are not alone.  I have seen pretty much this exact thread title here before and I haven't been here all that long.  It's also something I recognize in myself.  I feel like this "mourning" period I'm in is lasting forever.  I wish I could just STOP WANTING a mom.

Hugs

[mick_e13]

I just stumbled onto this site tonight after visiting my mother this evening.  I always feel pretty emotionally raw after a visit, and tonight was no exception.  Searching the internet for tips on how to deal with her (I am 33, still haven't learned how yet?) I found this site, and thought I never tried talking to others before, because I've always been so embarrassed. I read your post first and just wanted to tell you I felt just like you and thought I would never have the things "normal" people had because of my mom. She made me afraid to do anthing for myself. But, when my husband proposed 2 years ago (we've been married 10 months), I said to myself "don't let your mom ruin this for you".  And, I was successful!  I did it! I got married!  Like a real person! Yes, she did what I thought she would. Stopped talking to me, made me feel like I didn't deserve it, embarrassed me.  She was jealous. Jealous of her daughter.  She didn't even get pics taken with me.  But, I am SO glad I did it. I proved to myself she couldn't stop me. Now, she doesn't have as much power over me. Move on and do the things you want.  I relied on my friends, husband and other family members. I just let go, told them all my mom was crazy and ignore her. The truth set me free and I urge you to do the same!

[MiserableDaughter]

I wanted to say, yes it's very hard to stop wanting a mom. I still do but I think for whatever reason, being a mom to my son makes up for it. I'm being the mother I wanted to have... .I'll keep striving for that. I'll also say that having my son made it much harder for me to just "ignore her." You see, before I had him I had kept myself at a comfortable distance seeing my folks maybe once a months and also training myself to "ignore her. She's nuts." After I had my son though, it was like going through everything all over again except I couldn't tell my baby to "ignore her. She's crazy." I got so worried about the emotional blackmail she started with my baby the day he was born... .And the over obsession and competition with me. This is why I'm finally just moving across the country!

[GreenGlit]

Hi Maaeve,

You're not alone. I wish I had that too. The world with BPD moms just don't make sense... .I'm a straight-laced girl, currently in medical school set to graduate in May, never did any drugs, never ran away, graduated in the top 10% of my college class, have a big support group of people who care about me, marrying a lovely man who is kind and supportive and loves me... .and I couldn't be more of a wretched piece of crap in the eyes of my mom. 99% of the planet would be proud of a kid like me, but just my luck that I got stuck with the 1%. It sucks. There is no way around it.

I also wish I had a better biological mom. One that could understand when I'm having a hard time, that could empathize with my feelings, that would come to my aid when I needed her, that would celebrate my successes... .but that's not her. It has taken me a long time to accept that, and there will always be an empty place in my heart for her.

I'm not sure if you have considered other maternal figures that are already in your life. In my case I had a nanny that has always loved me like a mom. An aunt who has been supportive through difficult times. Some people might surprise you in terms of how they step up when you need help. Maybe take a moment to think if you have someone like this in your life.

I know your struggles with wanting but not wanting a wedding. I get married next month and still fret about my mother's unpredictable behavior and how it will affect my day. She is capable of anything. But truly, at this point in my life, if she acts like an idiot, I doubt many people will think it's any reflection on me. They will likely just think she's being horrible and get her out and not ruin my day. I know my friends will protect me. But if I could suggest something - don't NOT have a wedding because you fear your mom. Your life is yours. This is something that is hard to understand growing up with a BPD mother... .I never felt like my life belonged to me. But it does. It is mine and nobody else's. My mom pouts and rages when I don't follow her "rules", and for most of my life I was racked with guilt, wanting my own life but feeling shackled to her out of fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG). But now we live in different states, I don't share much of my life with her, and I know that being close with her doesn't make me happy. It's easy to cling to the hope that she might change -- but it's unlikely. Look out for yourself. Make your own life. Don't let fear overtake you. If she wants to blame you for her own unhappiness, that's not your fault. That is HER CHOICE. You did NOTHING to create that. You are not responsible for her unhappiness. You are also not responsible for making her happy.

What has helped me a lot was the suggestion from a therapist that I should start seeing my mom less like a normal person and more like the person she is, an extremely ill one. She is ill. She doesn't fit into the normal world, can't make normal relationships, can't love and trust like a normal person. She may not be hallucinating like a schizophrenic, but she is paranoid, fabricates stories and twists the truth to such a point it's hard to see where her ideas came from. She is disorganized mentally... .she is ill. It's easier to feel sorry for her and not so guilty when I think about it that way. Maybe it will help you too.

Good luck. We all have difficult roads here on this forum. But hopefully together we can work towards something better.

[GirlsCanDoMath]

Hello! 

I always felt this way too. My mom was a good mom in that she met all of my survival needs... .cooked dinner, was present, bought me the things I needed or wanted, etc; but my mother did not meet my emotional needs. She was manipulative, raged, lie, exaggerate, immature, bratty, spoiled, self centered, etc. If I was crying because of something in my personal life (i.e. my boyfriend died when I was 22ish) she would attack me and get really angry. Its like she didn't want to see me feel my feelings... .she perceived it as weakness. I have a different philosophy of how a parent should treat their children and it often left me feeling lonely, misunderstood, sad, and helpless.

During my late teenage years I began "collecting mothers" (that's what my therapist called it). I would get close with my friends mothers or nurturing people I work with to fill the void. My therapist said it was a healthy way to deal with the issue... .I thought it was weird bc I didn't even realize I was doing it.

Funny enough... .my real mom HATED all the moms I collected. Almost like she knew that on some level she wasn't meeting my needs and they were... .and above all things... .my mother is the most jealous person I have ever encountered.

Best Wishes,

B.

[Suzn]

Hello Maaeve

Welcome. I'm sorry you are feeling alone and sad.   Wanting a mom for comfort is completely understandable.

After a huge blowup with my mom about a year ago I began to see a therapist simply beacuse I didnt know how to deal with her.

I had a similar blowup with my mother about 7-8 months ago. My therapist, who I've been seeing for about 5 years had been telling me all along my mom was a narcissist. I didn't see it, I saw codependent. In reality she has more waif/hermit BPD traits. 

Mom always had rage problems. Specifically around the house not being clean enough and religion. My mom is very religious. Too much for me. This is the only boundary that I have been able to establish with her. We do not talk about religion. She of course pushes this boundry oftentimes bringing up very controvercial topics around me and specifically around my boyfriend.

My mom doesn't rage, she makes "suggestions". She once suggested I get rid of my dogs because in her view it was "unhealthy" having them in the house. She's a clean freak too. My mom is extremely religious and our blow up was about religion. I had found out she was starting to teach my nephew some of her ideology. This ideology played a role in my life as a child as it was a way for her to separate my brother and myself from the rest of the world. Constantly telling us about the world ending and telling us everyone outside of our religion was "bad" has had far reaching effects in both my brother and I.

It's taken most of this year to really see her traits and how they still play out today. How she manipulates my brother and my relationship. All so she can feel comfortable, the one "in control".

He is always a target. She is always hating on him. He is so loving and supportive of me and it just kills me the way she thinks of him. Its completely illogical. She twists things he says to make him look bad.

It's possible she is targeting him because she will "lose" you, fear of abandonment, if you marry. What do you think?

We would really like to get married soon, but I fear that I will never be able to have a normal happy wedding. I sometimes fear that he wont propose because he also doesnt want to deal with wedding drama from her. I personally want to elope to Europe, just us (we both speak european langauges) and not tell anyone and just enjoy our time together.

Discussing what you both think is best for your wedding is a great idea. You get to do your wedding your way.   

I also fear down the road having kids. I want to have a mom around for that. But I know I would need to create a huge list of rules and boundaries that I know she cannot live up to.

This is far down the road yes? It's easy to get caught up in trying to figure out our entire future before it's time. This can leave us paralyzed in moving forward in our thoughts of living our future. I've found it's best to try to live my future one day at a time.

My dad and her are still married ( I just dont understand that) He gets it and is very level headed. But from time to time he backs her up on things... .and that hurts even more than when she does something to hurt me.

I recently found out that when I moved out at 18 my mom threatened to kill herself. I have been thinking about distancing myself from her a lot more but this is in the back of my mind.

I'm sorry this happened, what a scary thought. How long ago was this?

I've had to distance myself from my mother just long enough to step outside of the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) so that I could have a relationship with her. It's been an ongoing process of radical acceptance. Accepting that this is who she is, a lot of soul searching on personal boundaries and working on communication skills. The Dearman technique Kwamina suggests has worked very well for me.

I didn't meet my dad till I was 30. Funny thing is I am closer to him than my mom. He's easy to talk to and is a more approachable and comforting person. I can imagine how hard it would be to feel a lost connection with your dad, not feeling he is in your corner for support. I can see though how this could have easily happened with my dad had they stayed together, he's fairly the codependent type.

Learning new skills and grieving our pasts all takes time, give yourself time. Are you still seeing your therapist? How are you coping with your depression? Taking care of you is important. Looking forward to hearing more of your story, keep posting, it helps. 

[Panda39]

Hi Maaeve,

I don't have a BPDmom, I'm here because my SO (siginificant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) however I identify with alot of the feelings expressed here.

I would describe myself has a highly sensitive person with a not always very sensitive mother... .we are a mismatch. 

She has always favored my brother over me, interestingly just what her mother did to her, and possibly what my grandmother's mother did to her.  I am breaking this cycle simply because I have one child (a son).

The messages I have received from her have been, I'm not smart enough, comments about weight, I make dumb decisions, I'm not successful enough, that my brother (PhD) makes her proud, and I don't... .many negative messages... .everything is about how I reflect her in the outside world.  My mother has Narcissistic Tendencies and she has hurt me in a million small ways. 

She and my dad (thank God for my dad who loved me for who I am) provided a good childhood, I had the material things I needed, I had a good education, went on family vacations, had good interactions with extend family and family friends, a good life.  However, I had an emotionally absent mother and up until high school I had a dad that was often physically absent (working alot).

At 14 I rebelled and for 2 years didn't listen to anyone, didn't go to school, had the "bad boy" boyfriend with a motorcycle who was 2 years older than me (and very possibly BPD), I did drugs, lost my virginity, ran away from home, you name it I probably tried it in those years.

I went to a communication workshop with some other kids from my high school (don't know who set this up or how I was invited).  One exercise was to sit opposite an empty chair and image that first your mom comes in and sits there... .well in my mind my mom came in, sat down and yelled at me.  Next you imagine your dad coming in and sitting in front of you... .my dad showed up in a business suit and with a briefcase.  Emotionally that was my life with my parents... .criticism and absenteeism.

At 15 I couldn't tell you why I was doing all the crazy stuff I was doing... .it was just hormones and teenage rebellion.  But looking back it was for attention... .look at me, remember me, your daughter... .I couldn't get positive attention, I'd go for negative attention.

I think my dad somehow figured out I needed him, he started taking me to breakfast before school sometimes alone but often with his colleagues, and later he became self employed and worked from home.  Things improved but by then I was already on my way out of the house.

My dad died in 1997 when I was 33 and it broke my heart and has left me with my mother and my brother who she loves so much.  It was hard for me for some time.  No matter how hard I tried I was always on the outside of my own family. 

In 2009 I divorced my husband and my mother helped me financially after initially telling me I would have to go on public assistance she changed her mind and helped me with the funds to do what I needed to do to leave and I am grateful.  During that time I had a breakdown and breakthroughs that changed the way I viewed myself and how I take care of myself.  You see up until then I believed those messages, I internalized that I wasn't good enough, smart enough, wasn't worth spending time with... .all off it... .I had been listening to my inner critic for years and was finally rejecting that voice... .that voice of my mother.

I have let go of that need for her approval and live my life based on my values.  I live my life with people that like and love me just the way I am.  I have chosen my own family... .my son, my SO, his daughters and my friends. 

I still see my mom and brother but have let go of being emotionally connected to them.  We just went on vacation together and I got to practice my "don't take it personally" skills.  My mom would make those cutting comments and they would just roll right off me because you see those things were about her they weren't about me.

If you asked me at 14 if I wanted another mother I would have said hell yes!  In one of my more awful moments I actually told my mom I didn't know why dad married her and I wish he was married to the divorced mom of two of my friends. 

Today, I see my mom as a lesson in loving myself.  I have me and I'm pretty darn great, I can trust me, I can reach out to those that care about me when I need help, I'm the best mom I can be, I can rely on myself to make decisions that take care of me.

I will never be what she wants me to be and she will never be what I need her to be and I am finally okay with that.

I'm currently reading a book called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride, PhD, this is something some of you might want to check out.

Panda39

[Boxernanna]

Girlscandomath, I love the expression "collecting mothers"! I have done that all of my life. It is how I coped and my uBPD mother hated every one of them too.

Greenglit, I earned my medical degree in 1987, completed a residency in Internal Medicine in 1990 and have been practicing medicine ever since. My uBPD mother still thinks I am a piece of crap she fantasizes killing, whenever she sees me. I have stopped allowing her to have any contact. I want to live.