Defense mechanisms: Do real feelings always pop through?

[GreenEyedMonster]

I am wondering if anyone has experience with defense mechanisms and can comment on this.

I've encountered people in my life with various "strengths" of defense mechanisms, or abilities to deny/warp reality to get rid of their anxiety.  For example, I have an ex boyfriend (not the one I've been posting about so far) who will lash out at me and tell me that I mean nothing to him if I reminisce about our relationship, while later he will come around and ask if I'm okay with the breakup.  Obviously telling me that I mean nothing is a defense, and a very porous one at that.  Somewhere deep down he cares about me in some capacity and cannot admit it, but it shows through indirectly.  His defenses are pretty strong, though, and aside from these rare moments, he's been able to act like he has no feelings for me for years.  Even extremely factual information about our past will not sway him.  He is only now coming around after therapy and two years of this conversation.

The BPD ex I've been posting about, however, seems to have very weak defenses.  He is a highly intelligent person and needs the *facts* of the situation to add up in his mind or it just won't work.  He once told me an elaborate story about how he parked illegally, and I felt that the whole point of the story was to get me to assent to the fact that he was justified in doing so.  He clearly didn't feel good about committing a "crime" and had intellectually justified it, but not to an extent that his conscience could fully rest. 

Incidentally, he has not voluntarily talked about our breakup with anyone I know of, probably because so far everyone he HAS talked to -- not by choice -- has taken my side.  So in order to maintain his "narrative" of why it happened and was justified, he can't even talk about it.  He accused me of abuse, which is not at all factual, and that will be the first part of his defenses to fail.  He is lacking factual material to use in his "case" against me, and this keeps him from fully rationalizing what happened.  I feel like he is actually avoiding me because his defense mechanisms are so weak and would come crashing down in a flood of shame at the slightest hint of what he did.  Frankly, I am amazed that he has lasted as long as he has.  It will only take a few minor disappointments to send him into a tailspin of shame.

However, he is clearly stalking me online and taking an interest in my relationship status in particular.  So there's no way he really feels great about what he did.  I imagine him right now as a very tortured individual who can't entirely make sense of the reality both inside and outside himself.  He is the kind of person who needs everything to make sense and align, and this situation does not.  This leads me to conclude that his defense mechanisms will fail.

I've also noticed that defense mechanisms tend to be situational, i.e. they function very well in stressful situations, but when the stress goes away, the defense mechanism also tends to weaken, letting real feelings through.

Does anyone else have experience seeing someone's defense mechanisms clearly?  In your opinion, do they always fail, or do some people's hold indefinitely?

[patientandclear]

My ex has been describing his long term ex gf for years as a pretty cold, withholding person. But he is nearly obsessed with her. He comes back to her words again and again. They were critical words--told him there is something wrong with his relationship dynamics. He can quote her and this is from 6-7 years ago now.

I don't think his defenses re her hold especially well, meaning, he is very unsettled about her. But the need to commit to the narrative of her being bad and the problem is very strong, stronger than his inability to achieve peace of mind about it, stronger than any impulse to try to fix it if it's making him so unhappy.

[GreenEyedMonster]

That's exactly what I'm talking about.  One of the things that is fascinating about my most recent ex -- the one with the BPD symptoms -- is that he consciously entertains the thoughts that bother him; he can't even block them out that far.  He would literally tell me sometimes that he was afraid of hearing things that contradicted his defense mechanisms.  He pretty much knew what he was doing.  He's also the person I talked about making conscious decisions to paint people black on the "leaving" board.