In deep pain

[HomesteadE]

Hello everyone

I'm struggling to cope with the pain and I don't know what to do.  My son is 23 and won't have any contact with me. It's searingly painful.

I've managed 9 months thinking that his conscience would switch on one day and he'd get in touch, but it''s not happening.  The other day he rode straight past me on his bicycle and totally blanked me. I know he saw me, I was five feet from him.  This is the first time I've seen him in all those months.  My son, the person I was closest to in the world, and he just totally rejects me and cuts me dead with no explanation.

I have no support from anywhere and am depressed beyond my ability to cope.  I'll never have another son and he is precious to me. It was just me and him at home for many years and I think that's part of this.  I don't think there is anything I can do. I've tried all the obvious things.

Any advice (and please don't tell me to keep busy and join a club, just getting through the day is hard enough) would be welcome.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[twojaybirds]

I am sorry you are in this pain.

Sometimes it is all right just to sit and allow yourself to mourn.

We all process differently.  Some of us keep busy, some eat some just cry.

The message I keep telling myself is that we all carve out our own lives differently and learning to accept the fact that my thoughts/aspirations for my  dd did not materialize and that has to be OK.  It is out of my control.

It was very painful when we were nc.  In my situation she eventually contacted me but it was a long road and me learning a lot about how to respond in order for our relationship to reestablish.

In the meant time, you should look at yourself and your life.  If your son does not want contact for 10 days, 10 months or 10 years what do you want in your life that is within your control.  How do you want to lead your life?

You do not have to join a club but what do you like? want to learn?  what to be able to say at the end of the year

what you have done for you; your mental health/physical health and over all happiness.

Redefining ourselves can be a long haul but perhaps give yourself one goal a week to do something positive for you.

Let us know how it goes!

[lbjnltx]

Hello HomesteadE,

I'm glad you are here looking for ways to cope with the painful loss of a relationship with your son.  I can't imagine how hard it would be not to tt my d18 for 9 months!  :'(

What happened 9 months ago that caused him to cut off communication with you?

What have you done to reestablish the relationship so far?

lbj

[dorianc]

My son is 25  and has not spoken to me or contacted me in 8 months.  He blocked text messages as well.  I, too, am in deep pain, but understand that he has transferred all of his failures to date onto me.  To confront that, correct it, and then move on is just too much for him emotionally.  I don't know anything to tell you other than you are not alone. If you are religious, pray for him, not yourself. Pray that he can make small steps toward an independent life that gives him some semblance of fulfillment and happiness, as opposed to one filled with anger and regret.

[Glenna]

Hello HomesteadE,

I am sorry you are going through this. When I went through similar I cried and cried. I can remember walking home from the grocery store with a bag in each hand and the tears running down my face. What I know now is that even at her worst my daughter is never truly deeply against me. I would bet that your son too experienced a pang and was upset, but for whatever reason, he just can't talk to you right now. My daughter's issue, one of them anyway, was separation. We had been very close.

All I can say is do the best you can. This too shall pass. I had one friend at the time who would sit with me sometimes without needing to talk or try to fix. This was some comfort. The situation went on for months. When I finally stopped trying to get her back, she eventually came slowly back to me. Good luck.

Glenna

[HomesteadE]

Thank you Glenna, Dorian, lbjnltx and TwoJayBirds for taking the time to talk to me.

Glenna, I think separation is the issue here too, we were so close that I could read him like a book - and our house is very small.  I think my son probably felt suffocated, but I just don't understand why he is taking it to this extreme now that he has his own space.

Dorian, I do think that I am being blamed for all of his problems.  I know he was told by a counsellor to "move out and get some perspective", clearly aimed at me or his relationship with me. 

lbjnltx, I keep asking the same question.  We did keep in touch for the first month or so after he moved out, he came round to eat a few times and to get help with a few bits - but suddenly just started going weird, and when I tried to contact him he sent me a reply saying I should adopt someone (!) and that he would put himself beyond contact if I persisted in trying to talk to him.  Then he rang me and spoke to me in a cold way saying that he wanted a break from the family for a couple of months.  As it turned out, he has not taken a break from anyone apart from me and has started to see members of my family who he used to avoid before he left home.  I don't get it.

I don't have any goals as there is no hope.  I need some hope but can't find any. 

[lbjnltx]

Thanks for getting back HomesteadE,

It could be that your son is trying to individuate from you at this time, he may have felt engulfed prior to moving out of your home.  The individuation process is a tricky one for our kids as they struggled to undertake it gradually as they matured/failed to mature as other kids naturally do.

My daughter (19 next month) had to be pushed out of the nest (tough life circumstances dictated it) and it has taken almost a year for her to develop a sense of herself as an adult.  I give her space, I send short texts to stay in touch, I live nearby, I am available for support, I guide and don't direct.

There have been a few times that she became upset with me for not saying/giving her what she wants and she cut off contact.  I let her come back on her own time.  Not pressuring your son to have contact may be the best route to take... .he has set a boundary.  From being here on this site for several years and reading about the experiences of others it is almost always the case that the adult children get back in touch at some point.

The best thing you can do is take care of you and begin to prepare yourself through knowledge and skills for a better relationship with your son when that day comes.

lbj

[js friend]

Hi HomesteadE,

My dd left home when she was 17yo and has remained aloof eversince. When I thought I was being supportive by helping her to settle into her new place, calling her regularly to see that she is ok and offering to babysit (she now has 2 kids) she has complained to others that Iam interfering in her life. When she comes to me and asks me to do things  and Iam able to do them there are no problems or complaints, but if Iam unable to do these things, the complaints begin again.

What Iam saying is that I have learnt that I have to wait for my own dd to come to include me in her life. Whereas a healthy person would appreciate that Iam taking an interest in her life and being supportive, my dd often views it as me making unreasonable demands on her and intrusive.  I guess it is probably the  same feeling she gets when she doesnt answer her phone because, in her words... ."I just dont want to talk to anyone right now". Iam sure that your son will come to you eventually but with pwBPD it is unfortunately a waiting process.

Like lbjnltx has said the best thing you can do is to look after yourself at this time. I understand that you are hurting but I bet your health is suffering and you need something else to focus on. The suggestion to Keep busy may sounds very blase from people who have no idea what we are going through, but it is a good one and keeping myself busy has helped me through many a crisis I have had with my own dd.

[AVR1962]

Is it possible that your children are wanting their independence? They will come to you for help but maybe they don't want as much interaction/involvement. Are you, or have you been, a single mom to these children? You said you were very close. Our children are very important to us and many times we make them center in our world and then when our children try to break free to find their own way in the world we take this as a rejection. Your son mentioned to you that you should adopt someone. I think he's trying to tell you that he needs his space. It is not they they don't love you and I have no doubt you have done your best to show them your love and support, that doesn't mean you have done anything wrong here. Loving our children is not wrong. I do think though we have to continue to live our lives for us, find our interests, our hobbies, our time with friends, etc.and allow our children their freedom. Give them time to come to you. If your daughter is only coming to you when she needs hep then ask her if the two of you could do ______ together.

[HomesteadE]

Thanks AV2962, js friend and lbjnltx.

It's painful enough that my son has prevented there being any contact for  9 months, but to stick his nose in the air and cut his own mother dead on the street takes a particular kind of nastiness.  I'm not sure that's about wanting to separate, people separate from their parents every day without having to be that nasty.  It's a truly hateful way to act towards someone who has done nothing but love him and work for his best interests.  I'm ashamed that he thinks that is an acceptable or necessary way to behave.  I'm ashamed that my own son hates me and after all the years of supporting him through his mental problems I feel like a total mug for wasting the best part of my life on him.  I want to be able to hate him back.   If I could hate him back, perhaps it wouldn't hurt.  I feel like sending him a letter telling him to go to hell.  I won't do that, of course, but being able to vent about it here is a good thing-excuse me for thinking out loud!

I took a couple of days off sick after that happened, as I was close to tears at work and that's not good.  I went back to work today.  Next weekend I'm getting a new puppy, it will be someone to love and who will love me back - and I think it will help relieve the sense of the empty house being a grave holding the memories of happier times.

Thanks for being willing to talk to a desperate stranger.  It made all the difference to me the other night that there was someone in the world who knows what it's like. 

 

[AVR1962]

HomesteadE, I can hear your pain in your reply. To have the wide array of emotions when we feel hurt by our children is not uncommon at all. No matter how much you hurt don't let your children know how you feel. We can let our children figure out their lives for themselves, allow them their freedom and support their effort when they make contact. To not wave or acknowledge you as your son passed by really bothers you. My stepson did the same repeatedly, he lived just down the road from us for a time and he was mad at us. We expected him to abide by the rules of the house as a young adult, nothing that was outlandish, but he wanted no rules so we asked him to find his own place to live. In his opinion we were in the wrong. He is entitled to his opinion and we are entitled to ours. He has to own and work thru his own issues. I was not going to comfort his anger towards us. I was not angry back but we just let him work out his issues. If you see him on his bike again, wave and smile but don't chase him and try to not let this offend you. Don't own what he is working thru. Let him take responsibility for himself and his own actions. You can do this!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ella Bella]

I know your pain... .my daughter told me I am none of her business. Hard. Tears... .but so often trying to stop them. My child that I love so, so much. So cruel 'I love you, have you got some money?'. I will not buy this shallow love... .so I get spiteful abuse. So, bugger the worry and solitude, you cannot win. Do something exceptional instead... .not knitting or art classes, (unless that's your thing), Do big stuff... .make deep pain maker feel he/she is missing out. If this doesn't work, you will probs have fun anyway.

[Kate4queen]

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. I have a 23 year old son as well and he is currently estranged from me, my DH and my eldest son.

I thought the pain was going to kill me, I struggled to even breathe or function at first after he basically told me what he thought of me and in such a way that there was no way back. I gave him 150% of everything I was often at the expense of my other relationships.

Here's the thing. It took a long while and a lot of counseling for me-to start to understand and accept what had happen. it wasn't an easy process but I learned that I am stronger than I thought and that I had reached my rock and wasn't prepared to go any further.

You'll find that. Please get some outside help for yourself-whatever works for you and please do not blame yourself. This is a mental illness. Your son isn't in control either but the only thing you can change is yourself and how you deal with all this pain.

Take care and virtual hugs.