Depressed, Anxious, Worried, Scared... you name it

[Monarch Butterfly]

Well, I have been out of the house for a month now. No contact, expect with family to discuss kids pick up and drop off at school. I left with the kids Aug 8 and have not been back. I do not regret my decision, but things are not turning out how I had planned and I am starting to fall apart.

I am staying with friends of my parents, not mine, since I have no friends. Well, I have 1, but she lives in a tiny winy very small place and can't house me and the kids... .I perfectly understand that. My uBPDh did a good job of pushing everyone away, making me financially and emotionally dependent on him only during the marriage. It really reflects now, when I depend on others just to get past this lump in the road.

Anyhow, the family I am staying with wants the room I am occupying because they too thought it would be only a two week deal, and I have been here a month now. Everyone thought that the court would rule temporary support in a week or two, and they did, but it took a month, and the values dont cover my expenses with the kids therapist and schooling, my studies and rent. One of those things will have to go. I can pay all of them if I get the courts to rule a little more in my favor, but I am waiting for the hearing first (Oct 13).

If I drop my studies I can pay rent. I can also change the kids schooling, which is the biggest part of my payments. The family I am staying with doesnt understand why I just dont move the kids schooling and take life as it is. (Note: In Brazil public schools are miserable, leaving the children in chaos. They have no windows, broken chairs, and are all infiltrated with water stains. The teachers go on strike regularly to ask for more money from the government... .So the kids just are left with no one to look over them. You get the picture.  So I need to keep them in a private school - for their own sake. The kids also have good friends they play with and are adapting well too.) The family I am with doesnt understand, since they studied in public schools. They think I got a good payment but just dont want to live in a more humble place. I do understand their point of view... .Although I do not agree with it.

The next hearing is Oct 13 and I can get the prices up 5% guaranteed, which would ease my situation a lot. By the people I stay with dont get that. I think I have overstayed my welcome, and they want me out by Friday. At least they put it nicely - it wasnt as cut and dry as I am writing here.

But I feel I am unwanted here as of week three and four, and a burden with two kids (who by the way, blame me for leaving the house and making dad cry). I try to explain the situation in a way that doesnt alienate their father, but sometimes it just doesnt get through. They dont see his ups and downs, since now they are being valued like never before. He has become the hero and I am the villan that pushed them under the bus.

I know I am doing the right thing, but this is taking so much faith that I am starting to crumble inside. I have to leave the house Friday and still dont know where to go. The kids just cry and say they want to go home.

I am getting worse and worse emotionally. I am writing emails to the contacts in my email list that I have some kind of acquaintance asking for a place to stay (like the pastor, teachers, etc). I hate asking favors and depending on others, especially since it is weird to ask for a place to live.

I also hate being in a different country away from my family... .  I emailed my father and he is trying to wire some kind of money to me. I should get something in the middle of next week... .I hope. To rent something here I have to have 3 months deposit first, for guarantee. I dont know how it is in the US. The money will arrive, I know that, but I am just in a nervous jam. When I look at places to rent the first question the ask is how much do you make. Well, not enough as of now... .But after Oct 13 I will have more. That really isnt a convincing answer.

I know when everything is split up that the future will be good,because we will sell the house, but the present is really, really hard.

The first court ruling is Oct 13 and until then I am just getting worse and worse. I am seeing a therapist but she just went on vacation. Murphys law. So I really have no one to talk to - I am glad I have this support here.

Well, thats my situation so far. Downhill fast. I am hanging on only because I know that God will see me through. I just wish He would see me through a little faster.

[whirlpoollife]

#1... .In the states we have crisis shelters. Do you have them in Brizal?  The one in my county is excelent. It gives counseling, and temporary ( one month ) housing no charge.   They help those escape from abusive situations. Not just from physical abuse! 

Kids can survive in public school !... ( you at home can push the kids on their learning )  but ... .you don't want to take them from the one thing now that is familiar/ same  to them.  Maybe the cost of it could be included in the child support even if x2b pays the school directly.

Is their therapist helping them understand what is happening right now and why? If so so you don't want loose the kids further to the PA,  then keep the therapist for them.   Therapy for youself could be dropped temporally .  Before  my filing for divorce my young teens were very close to me ... .then PA , they blamed me hated me didn't want to live with me, poor daddy needs help as mom is so mental for leaving him.  Was that from their own thoughts ... .not at all, it was from my xh. So I understand the sadness you are going thru that to leave an abusive marriage you can loose the kids to do so.

Validate them by telling you understand that they would like to be in their own home, that you would too but it's not safe for you. That for mommy to be a mom she needs to be away from the person who is hurting her.  Tell them your  love is the same  for them , that  mom is same mom  and soon  things will smooth out.  Repeat it . It won't do 100% good but anything is needed to hang to them.

I did not tell the kids what their dad was doing to me as I wanted to be the good parent and not talk negative about their dad. In return ... .he lied and lied about me to kids.

As for your studies , continue for what you paid for  for now. Between now and Oct 13 do you have to pay the tuition ?  From what you are going though right now can you even concentrate?  When you finally get divorced , you will be the single mom , with kids , you  might be able to have tuition help by the government ? 

[Monarch Butterfly]

Thanks Whirlpool... .I was thinking about the shelter too when I got a call today from the pastor this morning and am going over there on Friday.     That took a huge load off my shoulders. That will buy me a week and I can keep looking for a place to rent and hopefully get the down payment transferred. I am so relieved.

I hear every word about what you are saying about PA and what it is doing with the kids. I see my kids inching away every day, and it hurts so bad. I really need to be in my own place with my rules and my way of living. I am grateful for what my friends have done so far for me, putting me up, but living in other peoples homes really is hard. Now I am going to move the kids once more- but hopefully its the last before I finalize the papers to rent.  The kids mainly blame me for keeping them out of their house (not so much away from their dad). But I do know what they feel when the come home after school and are living with strangers, and obeying a totally different set of rules and patterns. I feel that way too. Counting the days to get out.

I am doing the math every single way possible to see what I need to drop and what needs to stay. I am going to try to negotiate with the school to see what can be done, but I can't take them out of their school. They are starting to have the social life they never had before and are really enjoying their friends. That is the one positive thing going on for them, so that really cant be changed.

One day at a time... .One day at a time.

[ForeverDad]

Here in the states the courts do realize it is good for the disadvantaged parent to get career or job training, up to a limit.  Probably 4 or 8 years of college is too much to ask the court to rule for, but 1 or 2 years more than what you already have completed might be acceptable to get your spouse ordered to pay.

Most of us don't know the laws of other members' countries or even provinces and states.  So you may need to seek local advice and insight from your nearby lawyers, crisis centers, etc.

Set priorities for your needs now.  Things at the top get done first.  As time passes and your circumstances change (improve) you can adjust your priorities.

When in court seeking increased support, be sincere, prepared to document that you aren't wasting or squandering money.  Dress well for court but not fancy or flashy, you want to be viewed as a capable mother but with limited resources and at a financial disadvantage.

Yes, one step at a time, that's manageable, don't look at the mountain, those are worries for later.

[livednlearned]

Your pastor came through -- someone else will, too. It really is one step at a time, which is hard when you want to see the whole path lit up for miles ahead.

This will pass, it really will. Let people help you -- if you're codependent, it might feel hard to let people help you. This could be a good thing that's happening, to allow others to care for you, maybe even strangers in your church that don't know you.

People emerged out of the woodwork for me and I swear there was a team of angels every step of the way, even though I constantly felt like I was falling. You're in the worst stage right now when nothing feels certain and every step feels dicey. I think adrenaline kept me going for a good three months, and a lot of prayers.



LnL

[momtara]

I am sorry to hear about all of this. Gosh you have to wait a whole month. This seems like the bottom, and things can only get better. You are a good mom and a good person. I think the next few weeks will be tough, but after the hearing you'll see the light shining. Keep us posted.

And Livedandlearned, as always you are wonderful.

[Monarch Butterfly]

I moved again on Friday. There was a house opening that one of the missionaries wasnt using. They gave me a month here for a tiny fee, so that should solve my situation perfectly. God really does take care of us. I can see know, it is going to be all right, but hanging on at the end of the rope isn't fun.

Thank you so much for your replies. They help a lot.

[livednlearned]

I'm so glad, MB. I was wondering about you, hoping things would work out.

I have never felt my faith tested as I did when I left my ex. The period after leaving can be extremely trying.