9yr old behavior issues and BPD trying to recycle my husband

[hell0kitty]

Over the last 5 years we have been drug through court, my husband's BPDex has accused him of everything from a DV perpetrator to molesting their child.  We spent a king's ransom on court and lawyers and she did exactly what everyone here said she would.  She waited until the 11th hour, and every dime was spent and just agreed to the new parenting plan.  We are a year deep in the new plan, the stranger she married 2 years ago has left her to live in another state and the 9 year old is having some major anger issues (Out of control behavior, having toddler style tantrums when not getting their way etc)

My husband and I have a new house, a thriving business and everything is going really well.  Her husband came to town for a visit about 2 months ago and from what the 9YR old said, it didn't go so well. 

This is when it started.  BPDex is suddenly in love with my husband again.  She is being as sweet as can be.  She is texting him and asking him to hang out at school events (Events that she threatened to call the police if we showed up to a year ago.  Oh, and she also threatened to call the police for harassment if he ever texted her) Suddenly there are doctors appointments and parent-teacher meetings that she wants them both to go to.  She is wanting to hang out during drop off times and ask him lots of personal questions about how things are going with us. 

9Year old says openly that mom HATES me, but suddenly dad is the greatest dad ever.  BPD just texted my husband asking what their plans are for tomorrow.  It is his pick up day, which she used to say had to be exactly at 3:00 as per the parenting plan, now she is telling him she has a break during lunch and maybe they can meet up, like they are old buddies. 

He is hopeful that this is the start of her coming around, but I fear that this is her setting us up for disaster.  I have no fear my husband is going anyone, or would ever consider for a second getting back with her, but what I fear is her making a move and him rejecting her and this whole crazy roller coaster starting all over again.  (All of the police accusations etc started initially when he and I started dating and she felt rejected)

Also, how the 9 year old is suddenly talking to me, I fear that mom might be telling her I'm the reason her parents are not together. 

If there was no child involved, this would be a slam dunk.  If there was no BPD involved I'd just address her directly about boundaries.  I heard about recycling, but after everything I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS thought she would ever try to recycle my husband.  She accused him of molesting their child for crying out loud!  But I guess all of that is water under the bridge now.  She acts as if none of that ever happened.

Any advice or similar experience on navigating these strange waters are appreciated.  I've tried talking to my friends who have no experience with BPD and they just look at me like I just told them I'm a unicorn or something.  They have no idea what to say. 

[bravhart1]

I have the same issue. It's suddenly bravharts fault that SD6's family isn't together anymore. BPDm has also accused DH of all those same things. But now DH is just my victim. SD said last week that she misses her family and wants it back, if only I hadn't stolen her daddy away.

SD was two when DH left. SD has lived for four years (she's almost seven) with us. So she has lived the majority of her life with us. And she can't possibly remember stuff from when she was two. So these are clearly moms words.

SD treats me very badly as of late and it's mostly because mom has convinced her that getting rid of me would get daddy back.

I never thought of it as the recycle, I just assumed she was trying to get SD to break us up or make us miserable because misery loves company.

My DH would never even think of meeting up or even talking to BPDm because we can't trust her at all. Her crazy accusations are so vile. She is conniving enough to try to be friends only to set him up. I guess I can't imagine BPDm  could even think that DH would return to that level of crazy after all that's been done but who knows?

I'd ask your DH to be very self protective.  Have you considered that maybe she is using DH to try to make her absent husband jealous? I wouldn't be surprised if she tells her husband that your DH is trying to get back with her!

[enlighten me]

Last summer my exwife went on a charm offensive with me. She made excuses to come over when I had the boys and we met up at the mother in laws a couple of times. She was very flirty and touchy and giggly. I knew what she was doing so didn't bite. My MIL was horrified. She recently said to me how glad she was that I didn't fall for it and she could see what the ex wife was doing. It coincided with her going through a rough patch with her husband. I am once again painted black and it has all blown over.

The only thing I would worry about is when she realises your husband isn't buying it and lashes out again.

[Nope]

This has been an on and off problem for my DH as well. His BPDex would throw tantrums and actively keep their children from him to only then turn around and start trying to have conversations with him about the "good times" and that she still loves him. She even started showing the kids the wedding pictures. This was great in that the kids felt that obviously all the horrible things their mom had said about their dad obviously weren't true or she wouldn't want to be back with him, so when she painted him black again the kids were less susceptible to her lies.

My DH took the whole thing in stride and basically ignored her. He couldn't even be convinced that she actually wanted him back because given all of the horrible things she did to him it was completely unimaginable. Eventually she met someone else, painted DH and I black, and already put pressure on the kids to say "I love you" to a guy they've met twice. BPDm has also painted other boyfriends white before printing them black in front of the kids. She's also done it to her own mother and grandmother repeatedly and dragged the kids into it.

I think the lack of consistency in the BPDm's feelings compared to the normal level of consistency in our home has lead to the kids starting to get less worked up over what their mom thinks. Your SD will eventually realize her mom's views on people can't be taken seriously because they change all the time.

[hell0kitty]

Thanks so much for your replies.  I didn't even really think about the angle of her wanting to make her current absent husband jealous.  I could totally see that.  It also helps me immensely to be reminded this is all part of the pattern.  That is something I love about these boards.  Over the years, when I've been away for a while and her behavior flairs up to a point where I'm just scratching my head feeling like I'm on an episode of Punk'd or something, I come here and get several people replying "That totally happened to me too" and feel better. 

I do hope that the behavior issues with the child calm down.  We've always had a pretty OK relationship up until recently, and it coincides with BPDmom suddenly hating me and being overly friendly with my husband.  Before now I just did not exist to her.  So does this mean I am the one currently painted black? 

[bravhart1]

Yes, I think you are probably the only one painted black right now, meaning her ex is now back in favor (for no apparent reason except it serves some purpose for her).

Usually I can tell if it's me that's painted black, or DH or both just from the behaviors from SD6,) since BPDm can't / won't use any discretion when talking to the child so she's exposed to all moms thoughts. This translates into a child who feels the need to show BPDm that she also feels the same way. I try to point out to SD6 that BPDm isn't here (meaning our house) so she doesn't have to treat us like she is and that helps. I tell her we can all get along and be respectful and be happy and BPDm doesn't have to know. It works about half the time. So sad.

I would also say that on this board I learned to point out the false ideas to the child, for instance when she says my mom says you and daddy lie to me all the time, I ask her if she can tell me a specific time, and how mommy could know that we lie since she's not ever around to hear what we say, just get her to question the remarks, it seems to help her gain some perspective.