Parenting with a BPD spouse

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Of all the issues in our marriage, parenting tends to be the hot topic. BPDh had an abusive childhood and a tendency to be not only non-intuitive about other people, but quick to snap when children are being, well, children.

In a nutshell: We have a particularly difficult blended family situation. My youngest daughter (15) (I have three with my ex-husband, two of whom are now basically grown and gone) lives at home with my BPDh and me, primarily, and so does my youngest son (11)--mine and BPDh's only child together. Youngest son is very like his father in anger expression, but has a natural compassion that his dad lacks. (Whew!) He's a sensitive little spirit, and his father makes him angry and hurt at the drop of a hat. BPDh tries to "be direct" when parenting, but comes off as mean. He raises his voice. Loses patience (if he even has any to begin with) and micromanages. When he's around (he travels for a living, and when he's gone the rest of us feel like we can breathe!) everyone is on eggshells wondering what's next. My daughter has a detached way of interacting with him that, to me, mirrors his meanness in subtle ways. There's also a lot of sarcastic, passive-aggressive interaction between BPDh and kids, in both directions, that isn't always (ever?) predictable. Sometimes one brand of humor is funny, and laughed off, and other times BPDh gets mad. The kids loosen up for a moment, then realize they need to be guarded all over again.

It's crazymaking.

I am pretty much BPDh's polar opposite. I was a professional nanny, as was my ex, and attachment parent. Parenting and psychology is something I have *studied.* Not so BPDh. We tried together to work through "How to Talk So Kids will Listen, and Listen so Kids will Talk," but he couldn't see the point of the specific ways spelled out for talking to kids and really didn't try. He doesn't know how to "read a room" to see how the kids feel about anything, doesn't know how to talk without blaming, and I've spent a great deal of time and energy trying to reflect/deflect/support/explain to the kids... .Bleah.

We're in a good phase right now, despite major dysregulation last night (other recent posts of mine explain this), and the kids aren't high on his "radar" for management right this second. But I never know when the focus will shift back and he'll do or say something that hurts them emotionally.

Talking about this results in him feeling like I'm heaping all the blame on him and telling him he's a f*ck up... .But I can't bear his treatment of them in the moment because I can see how damaging it is to them. I don't want to undermine him, but more than that I don't want to abandon them!

I'm wondering: How have others parented with a BPD spouse? What helps/works/etc.? Looking for any and all feedback and techniques! 

[JadeIshka]

Of all the issues in our marriage, parenting tends to be the hot topic. BPDh had an abusive childhood and a tendency to be not only non-intuitive about other people, but quick to snap when children are being, well, children.

In a nutshell: We have a particularly difficult blended family situation. My youngest daughter (15) (I have three with my ex-husband, two of whom are now basically grown and gone) lives at home with my BPDh and me, primarily, and so does my youngest son (11)--mine and BPDh's only child together. Youngest son is very like his father in anger expression, but has a natural compassion that his dad lacks. (Whew!) He's a sensitive little spirit, and his father makes him angry and hurt at the drop of a hat. BPDh tries to "be direct" when parenting, but comes off as mean. He raises his voice. Loses patience (if he even has any to begin with) and micromanages. When he's around (he travels for a living, and when he's gone the rest of us feel like we can breathe!) everyone is on eggshells wondering what's next. My daughter has a detached way of interacting with him that, to me, mirrors his meanness in subtle ways. There's also a lot of sarcastic, passive-aggressive interaction between BPDh and kids, in both directions, that isn't always (ever?) predictable. Sometimes one brand of humor is funny, and laughed off, and other times BPDh gets mad. The kids loosen up for a moment, then realize they need to be guarded all over again.

It's crazymaking.

I am pretty much BPDh's polar opposite. I was a professional nanny, as was my ex, and attachment parent. Parenting and psychology is something I have *studied.* Not so BPDh. We tried together to work through "How to Talk So Kids will Listen, and Listen so Kids will Talk," but he couldn't see the point of the specific ways spelled out for talking to kids and really didn't try. He doesn't know how to "read a room" to see how the kids feel about anything, doesn't know how to talk without blaming, and I've spent a great deal of time and energy trying to reflect/deflect/support/explain to the kids... .Bleah.

We're in a good phase right now, despite major dysregulation last night (other recent posts of mine explain this), and the kids aren't high on his "radar" for management right this second. But I never know when the focus will shift back and he'll do or say something that hurts them emotionally.

Talking about this results in him feeling like I'm heaping all the blame on him and telling him he's a f*ck up... .But I can't bear his treatment of them in the moment because I can see how damaging it is to them. I don't want to undermine him, but more than that I don't want to abandon them!

I'm wondering: How have others parented with a BPD spouse? What helps/works/etc.? Looking for any and all feedback and techniques! 

[bpbreakout]

BPDw grew up in an abusive family. Every minor transgression needs to be punished in her eyes.

I educated myself as much as I could and got my daughter into therapy as she was being scapegoated by my BPDw.

It got so bad I ended up largely parenting on my own.

[livednlearned]

How have others parented with a BPD spouse? What helps/works/etc.? Looking for any and all feedback and techniques! 

Hi JadIshka,

Welcome to the coparenting board 

It's hard when a BPD parent is not on the same page with you about parenting, and does his own thing. It sounds like the kids have picked up some of the maladaptive ways of coping with stress and tension (sarcasm, passive-aggressiveness, acting out with anger).

We have a section on the Coparenting board (Lesson 5) that really helped me: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

Have you tried any of the validation techniques? These can work with both your BPDh or your kids, although the resource listed below (also from Lesson 5) is primarily directed toward kids.

TOOLS: The Power of Validating How Kids Feels

Validation is important for raising emotionally resilient kids, not only to help them heal from the stresses of divorce and having a mentally ill parent, but to help them gain confidence in their own abilities to solve problems. The simplest way to describe validation is that feelings and emotions can never be wrong. Validation is arguably the most important skill to learn as a parent, and it has far-reaching impacts for your child's emotional health. Because BPD parents often have very high needs for validation themselves, and very low capacity to validate others, your child will likely have above-average needs for validation from you.

Read more: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272638.msg12585648#msg12585648

I started to look at disagreements and arguments as an opportunity to help my son regulate his emotions, which is not something I did when he was younger.

Many of the people on this board are in divorce situations, but the tools apply whether you're together or apart. If you have the patience and the emotional strength, and know your values and have a good hold on your boundaries, it's possible to help your kids -- there are also families on the Staying board who are in similar positions. And like you, they see BPD traits showing up in their kids and are learning to handle things using the tools and lessons.