Serious situation, 3 three days ago.

[JPoff]

Me and my BPDw have had numerous violent situations over the past year. She was recently diagnosed with BPD and has begun therapy along with medication.

Since shes started her treatment, the physical violence has subsided.

Until last thursday night. She went out with some coworkers and had a lot of drinks. She didnt make home until after midnight and was obviously very intoxicated. It was not a good night.

We ended up having a conversation that took a wrong turn and she tried to commit suicide.

On top of all the drinks, she tried to overdose on all of her medication (total of five boxes of various medicine). I tried numerous times to seperate her from the pills peacefully. I eventually locked the remainder of her pills in a room, but she broke the door down.

I contacted her friends for help, but before anyone arrived, she twice grabbed a knife and tried to go into another room. I had tackle her to the ground to get the knives away from her.

We got to the hospital and the medical staff began treating her. Her friends were there, her sister was there and her mom was on the way. So i left.

I was deeply hurt and angry. I felt by being there, it would just make matters worse.

Well, her mother is a doctor and got my wife released early, so she came home a day after trying to kill herself.

Obviously me and my need to talk, but i honestly am at a loss of what to say. Shes told me shes sorry about what happened, but hearing her say shes sorry, doesnt stop my fear that this will happen again.

After everything we have gone through, suicidal acts are a new wrinkle.

I am undecided already about the state of our relationship and this doesnt help at all.

[Turkish]

I'm glad you are safe JPoff, that was a situation which could have gone worse.

Did you report that she grabbed the knives and tried to run? It sounds like she may be surrounded by enabling friends and family. You seem to be trying to keep the peace and avert crises, but neither your wife nor you sound safe at the moment. Dr. Mom is likely minimizing (while enabling). She isn't an objective voice. Do you have a safety plan in place in case you need to leave?

Safety First

What's the contact status between you, her mom and her friends? Are they aware f her past violence? Is anybody on your side?

Turkish

[Lou12]

If the suicide threats are a new thing and she's recently started therapy I would possibly look into what may be getting addressed in her sessions. You know the saying it gets worse before it gets better, this is a pertinent saying when something that has been repressed for a long time is brought to the surface. There is a psychological term for it but I can't think, anyone?

Maybe speak to her councillor together or research yourself how you could help manage the situation now that she's delving within

[TheRealJongoBong]

And please, if she ever does this again, call 911 (or whatever local equivalent there is) and let the professionals handle it. Your wife's mother acted in a very non-professional manner IMHO and is endangering both her daughter and yourself. Please also consider recording your interactions between your wife and yourself when you think things are going strange - there is a fine line between protecting her from herself and domestic abuse charges against you should she consider doing that.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey JPoff, I echo TheRealJongo: if this happens again, call 911.  You are not equipped to handle an attempted suicide, which is best left to the professionals.  I understand that this is incredibly stressful.  My BPDxW threatened suicide at least 15 times.  It was frightening.  In some ways, it's the ultimate manipulation.  Even though I knew my Ex was crying wolf, there's always that slim possibility that the pwBPD will carry through with it, as yours did.  There is also a suicide prevention hotline that might be worth looking into.  Be safe.

LuckyJim

[JPoff]

Thanks for all the good info from all you guys.

I hadn't really considered making a plan, but that is something I will look into.

Calling emergency services would normally have been my first choice, however, I live in a foreign country and I can't speak the language yet. I only know certain phrases/words. I'm not even sure what the equivalent of 911 would be here. So, I contacted the people that I could, to get her help as fast as possible.

I'm pretty isolated here. The only people I know are my wife's family and friends. I haven't been able to find a english speaking job here yet and so I feel stuck. Both in my indecision to the relationship and literally stuck here in this place.

I'll take all the good info you guys had and try to come up with an emergency plan in case something happens again, but like I said, my options are pretty limited.

Any other advice?

[TheRealJongoBong]

Your wife's mother acted in what seems like a non-professional manner, but I don't know the whole story. It could be that she's seen her daughter's behavior before and isn't too worried. It seems like a good idea to sound your MIL out to see if you have an ally there, or if the MIL is also a problem. Maybe there are some religious types close to the family also - they would be a good source of information.

Another thing is therapy. The door is wide open right now to get your wife therapy from both psychiatrists and psychologists. Take advantage of this opportunity. Many people here have a dim view of whether their pwBPD would ever improve, but they certainly won't without a lot of therapy.

Finally, embrace the lessions ( the LESSONS here). We nons are a big part of the relationship, we can make things way worse and we can also calm things down just by the way we act and react around our partners. Take a close look at yourself, maybe therapy would be beneficial for you also?

[Frog!0707]

Hi  ,

I am very sorry that you went through that experience.  It seemed like you didn't even get time to recover from the trauma of it all and process it before your parnter was sent home. Not sure if I know any advice maybe you could ask her mum to get her to stay a few nights with her to give you some respite and calm your nerves.  You are not alone and I hope the situation improves for you.

[OnceConfused]

Jpoff:

It looks like all the cards are stacked against you. First of all, you are in a foreign country where you does not speak the local language. She has her family there who are her enabler.

Here are my concerns:

1. if and when you try to get the knife from her, and the knife accidentally cuts her. She could then put you in jail by claiming you are indeed the abuser who tries to hurt her. She might not do that, but you have to think of that scenario and plan a way to protect yourself. I would practice using my phone as a camera recording in a discreet way, say like holding it in front of you, but in near your stomach area.

2. Lacking local support is a big negative thing here. You are a fish out of the water. Her family could begin to claim that you intentionally hurt their daughter, then you are in a world of hurt. Read the story of Amanda Knox who got into trouble in Italy and it probably has bankrupted her parents trying to pay for legal defense.

3. Personally, when things get this bad, I would evaluate the whole r.s and see what I need to do. It seems to that your wife can speak english, but then you engage in a serious conversation, her only response is to try to commit suicide. To me, threat to commit suicide is a way to punish the other person by making them feel SO guilty ,to make them comply, to turn them into submission quickly and leaves no way for communication, for give and take (which really is important in a long term r.s).

4. Her family, esp her mother's being a doctor, seems not to understand BPD. Mental health is relative unknown in many countries around the world and being label mentally ill, is often looked down. I am guessing her family is a well to do family, so they don't want their reputation to be tarnished. That could explain why her mom wanted her to come home sooner than expected.

5. I am not quite certain that the professional therapist your wife is seeing is well versed in BPD. Like I said, people in the third world tend not to seek mental help because of the taboo and the lack of awareness. Lacking prior experience, how can a therapist know what to do ? A blind is leading the blind so to speak.

[HappyNihilist]

JPoff, I'm so sorry - what an incredibly tough situation. 

You said that your wife has been doing a lot better since starting therapy and medication. But after she went out and got drunk with some coworkers, she became violent and suicidal.

Alcohol can often lead to emotional dysregulation. My exBPDbf would become very destructive (whether self- or outward) when he was drunk. Plus, a lot of psych meds don't interact well with alcohol.

Is she a regular drinker, or is it an infrequent occurrence for her to get drunk like that? Staying away from alcohol would probably be a good idea, if that's a possibility.

I contacted the people that I could, to get her help as fast as possible.

  You did the right thing.

It's a great idea to come up with an emergency plan. You can include her in some of the planning, too. It's in her best interest, after all. I think a big part of the plan might be addressing the drinking issue.

Welcome to the family, and keep posting - it helps to talk.