That makes a lot of sense! I think you spell it out clearly.
If I'm following correctly, then you want D12 to make the decision about how she wants to engage in her religion (modeling). You prefer to coach her (the good kind) instead of rescue her (fixing it for her).
I wonder if you can use validating questions to help her work through what she feels and wants:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.msg12586025#msg12586025When S14 had to make a difficult decision about whether to report another student to the principal (other kid had pulled a staple gun on S14 in theater), I went back to these questions and tried to focus on asking S14 how he felt, what he wanted, even though I was worried there would be a blowback if he reported this kid. The other kid was popular and socially confident, whereas S13 is neither. I worried that the guidance counselor or theater teacher would not be careful about confidentiality, or would try to manage the situation by minimizing my son's concerns. So I had to ask a lot of validating questions to make sure that S14 was prepared for those outcomes. I also asked S14 how much support he wanted from me, and then had to almost sit on my hands to just let him go and resolve this on his own. It was a school safety issue, and I wanted him to know that if at any moment I didn't think the school was acting responsibly, that I reserved the right to act, and he agreed. First, he wanted to settle things on his own. I'm so proud of that kid. If you knew what he was like! He has come a long way just having the courage to stand up for himself.
Basically, I just coached him through some problem-solving, and validated how he felt. Would that work for your situation with your D12?
We were fairly lucky in how things turned out. S14 was a little disappointed that the kid didn't get expelled, though I was able to explain how the disciplinary action (suspending the Staple Guy for a day) was appropriate, and that the other kid had used up his one chance and expulsion would happen if there was a second incident.
"How do you think Grandma will respond? How do you think dad will respond?"
":)o you feel prepared for how they will react?"
"Is there anything you think I could do to support you?"
"What do you plan to say to Grandma and dad about dropping out of the class?
To help her think through scenarios she might not have thought about.
I've also had to model for S14 times when my decision to be assertive really didn't work out great, so he knows it's realistic to fail at this too.