Holidays with the Inlaws

[FreedomReigns]

I moved back to said town after uBPD MIL died in 2012. That same year, I had both Thanksgiving and Christmas at my house. I invited FIL and SIL. They came, as well as my college-age daughter, and we had a nice time. I cooked the turkey and most of the main-course dishes, while they brought fruit and sparkling cider. In 2013 and 2014, I had Thanksgiving and Christmas at my house and again invited SIL and FIL.

Since that time, they have bought a house and moved closer to town about 30 minutes away. To date, we have never been invited to their house or for any holidays.

I am considering not inviting them to my house this holiday season. Last year, there were some little snide remarks that I didn't much appreciate, but I bit my tongue and let it slide. Still, I don't really want them here anymore. It's just awkward. I have never really gotten along with SIL, even when my husband was alive (she, herself, has never married or had any kids of her own).

I really would like to spend this holiday season with my four daughters alone, without any fuss and drama. Will FIL and SIL expect me to invite them? It's not like they don't have anywhere else to go. FIL's sister invites them to her house, too, but they have always come to mine (FIL's sister's husband creeps us out, and my girls are very uncomfortable around him).

My girls are okay with me not inviting SIL and FIL. Since my DH and MIL have both died, any time with the FIL and SIL is extremely awkward. DH and MIL were the "talkative" ones in the family, while me, SIL, and FIL were the non-communicative type. Conversation is limited as I withhold a lot of stuff I don't want them to know. Most of the time, it's my girls just making small talk. I know FIL misses his son, and perhaps we are sore reminders of what he has lost, too. I have always liked him, but he just doesn't talk . . . at all.

Advice/suggestions appreciated. Thanks.

[Panda39]

Hi FreedomReigns,

With your husband gone and your daughters not interested in seeing the in-laws, I guess the question is why do you feel obligated to invite them?  Particularly since neither of them have reciprocated and since neither sound very helpful or fun to be around.

I'd just enjoy the holidays with your daughters, relax, have fun and enjoy the people you want to spend time with.

Panda39

[Kwamina]

Hi FreedomReigns

I think the most important question here is what do you want to do? And what do your daughters want to do? Both questions you've basically already answered in your post!  You say you really don't want them there anymore, it feels awkward, you've never really gotten along with SIL, you like FIL but he just doesn't talk at all which is again awkward.

You also say your daughters are ok with you not inviting them so I assume you've had this talk with them.

In what ways does FIL'S sister's husband creep you out? What does he say or do that you find unpleasant?

You've listed many reasons why it would be unpleasant to have them around. Can you also think of any positive aspects of inviting them and having them around? If not, I think the current cost-benefit analysis seems to strongly point in a certain direction

Whatever you decide to do is your decision of course and yours alone. I am glad though that you also take how your daughters feel about all of this into consideration. Do you in some ways perhaps feel obligated to invite them because they are your late husband's family? Do FIL and SIL perhaps apply the F and G component from the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) to get you to contact them and keep inviting them?

Take care