my 20 year old step daughter is BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am looking for advice on what to do with a 20 year old unmanageable step daughter with BPD.  one month after marrying her father she was thrown out of her mothers home due to a violent attack.  WE found out afterwards that the attack was started by her.  She moved in with us at 17 and as the truth strted to unfold and any demands were put on her she started to unravel.  She violently attacked me twice, police were involved, hospitalizations, out patient programs and medication and therapy.  SHe is completely irresponsible with money, wont look for work and gets violent f you question anything.  AT 18 she decided to leave , met a 30 year old guy with 3 kids and moved in with him.  She stopped all meds and therapy and we didnt hear from her for 8 months.   We reached out and had her over a few times, she was still not working and living off this guy but seemed ok.  Over the last year and a half she started to unravel and has have many physical altercations with the boyfriend, calls 911, used self harm to get attention and lies, cheats and manipulates.  Finally the boyfriend threw her out.  Shes in another state currently, still no working living with a "friend" amd refuses any help that doesnt involve money.  WE are paying for therapy and medication at this point but she is on the verge of being kicked out of that home as well and she cannot live with us as I have 3 children that witnesses the breakdown 2 years ago and it has caused significant trauma to them.  I really dont know what to do with her at this point and her father is devestated

[eck1004]

I am looking for advice on what to do with a 20 year old unmanageable step daughter with BPD.  one month after marrying her father she was thrown out of her mothers home due to a violent attack.  WE found out afterwards that the attack was started by her.  She moved in with us at 17 and as the truth strted to unfold and any demands were put on her she started to unravel.  She violently attacked me twice, police were involved, hospitalizations, out patient programs and medication and therapy.  SHe is completely irresponsible with money, wont look for work and gets violent f you question anything.  AT 18 she decided to leave , met a 30 year old guy with 3 kids and moved in with him.  She stopped all meds and therapy and we didnt hear from her for 8 months.   We reached out and had her over a few times, she was still not working and living off this guy but seemed ok.  Over the last year and a half she started to unravel and has have many physical altercations with the boyfriend, calls 911, used self harm to get attention and lies, cheats and manipulates.  Finally the boyfriend threw her out.  Shes in another state currently, still no working living with a "friend" amd refuses any help that doesnt involve money.  WE are paying for therapy and medication at this point but she is on the verge of being kicked out of that home as well and she cannot live with us as I have 3 children that witnesses the breakdown 2 years ago and it has caused significant trauma to them.  I really dont know what to do with her at this point and her father is devestated

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

eck1004-

What you are describing sounds so difficult! As I look over to the right under the TOOLS links several of them stand out to me as regard your situation.

Since you feel that soon she will be kicked out of her current living situation and will return to your town seeking help, two of the tools stand out more than the others... .

Communicate Boundaries and Limits (protecting your younger children means she cannot live with you. You will help financially only with therapy and meds for example)

and

Adopt a Problem Solving Model (the model, ideally, should include her ideas about how she will help herself and include her ideas about how her goals can be achieved)

IN the meantime, practice responding with SET (support, empathy, truth) and practice self-awareness and WiseMind.

As a step-mom to a BPD person myself, one of the hardest things for me was witnessing my husband suffering with self-doubt and how he questioned and second guessed his every move. If you haven't already done so as a couple, figure out your boundaries and develop a plan for how to talk to your SD about them. With my SD it always worked best if we explained to her WHY the boundaries we exercised were in place.

Best wishes for you and your family... .

Thursday