me vs the machine

[HomesteadE]

Hello,

Is there anything I can do when a counsellor had encouraged my BPD son to split me black and go no contact?

I found written evidence in my house that he was told to move out and get some perspective... .Well, with just the two of us at home it's clear that all his troubles were being attributed to me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

That sounds painful!  How old is your son?

The only thing that you might be able to do is ask to go with him to a session and work together with the therapist to help your son (and let the t see the dynamic between you both).  This would be dependent on your son's consent as well as the therapist/counselor.

It could be that the therapist is being snowed or it could be that the therapist is trying to get your son to individuate from you and start owning his own life. 

What would be your greatest concern should your son move out?


lbj

[qcarolr]

HomesteadE

What is the communication like between you and your son? Has he mentioned moving out to you? What are the biggest issues you have with him? Have you ever met with him and the T?

There have been many times that a T with my BPDDD (now 29) turned her T against me. Once, on the first session, the T came with her to the waiting room and asked me in a sacastic voice "What are YOU doing here?"  (driving her to her appt since she did not yet have her license - she was age 17). I am sure that DD can tell the tales well that project all the blame on her 'abusive' parents. There was a lot of contention in our family -- now I can understand how she could FEEL this as abusive based on how she defines that word.

I have left a message with my side of an accusation for a T, explaining that I know she cannot call back. I felt a need to give another perspective.

Let us know how things are going.

qcr

[mimi99]

When we went to court for custody of my GD5, I received the hospitalization records of my DD24 last visit to the psych ward. She made accusations of abuse against my husband and myself, stating that I had been a heroin addict her whole life, and so on and so on... .you know the routine. I felt a need to defend myself, as well as a lot of anger at the so-called professionals who would allow themselves to be so easily manipulated. I have had to let go of that because with HIPPAA privacy regulations I can't speak with any of them. I also realized that she probably believes these accusations to be true. I found this site and have been working on my side of communications with her. Sometimes it makes a difference in how she responds to me, sometimes not. At least I can say I have done my best at trying to defuse things. I have set boundaries relating to her visits with my GD and do not communicate with her about anything else. As difficult as LC and NC can be, it can be infinitely better than being raged against on a daily basis and being blamed for everything that is wrong in her life. I grieve for the loss of my daughter and hope it will be temporary, but I also finally have a peaceful home. I am no longer walking on eggshells in my own home. That is priceless.

[HomesteadE]

Thanks to everyone for your replies.

My son, 23, left home abruptly and went no contact shortly after that, about a year ago.  The post it note telling him to move out immediately preceded his departure, which was arranged and carried out in an uncharacteristically secretive way.  I found the post it note in the laundry and he told me he had been seeing a counsellor and that this was her advice.

A counsellor telling a BPD sufferer to split 50% of their support network black is catastrophically bad advice and the loss of all contact with my son has me on the brink of despair.  That counsellor has abused her position. It won't help my relationship with my son to hunt her down and bring her to task but I need answers.

[mimi99]

Unfortunately there are many bad counselors out there. You could report her to whatever board oversees her license. Maybe that would prevent her from harming anyone else

[thefixermom]

I don't know the whole story so please forgive me if I'm out of context in any way.  When you say that the counselor told your son to move out and get some perspective. That alone, doesn't necessarily mean that the counselor also told your son to paint you black or go no contact. Is there more evidence to confirm that was said?  Reason I ask is that just as your son has misrepresented you to the counselor, he may represent the counselor to you, too, with embellishments, to fortify his actions and hurt you further.  Was there any indication that the secretive manner of his moving out was at the urging of the counselor? Could it be that he led her to believe he was in immediate danger?  Be careful about letting your son manipulate you against the counselor just as much as you want your son not to manipulate the counselor against you. Could it be that the counselor wanted your son to move out and "gain perspective" as a healthy way to see that you are not the cause of all his problems? To separate the two of you so as to help him grow in independence and responsibility?  Might have seemed like good advice at the time, given her hearing just one side of the "story" and not being familiar with BPD.  I have had my DD come home from her counseling appts and inform me how her counselor told her what a terrible mother I was and when I objected to the so-called therapy, my DD said, "She said you would say that!" as if it somehow validated the accusation. Of course I would say that! It was very unreasonable to put that on me without having included me in the sessions, was my view. I have daydreamed many times about what I would love to say to my DD's therapist but never did because I wasn't wanting to interfere with my daughter's relationship with her. However, I wonder if I should have anyway, so I like qcarolr's account of how she did follow through with additional information from her side.  It's hard to know how it would be received.  Might even be good to recommend your son's counselor reads Walking on Eggshells or another of the recommended books and just say, "It might help my son if you looked at this from where I'm standing."  If your son is going to therapy, as my DD did, just to fix others and be validated for being right in his observations, then nothing that counselor said for him to do might be taken by him in the context it was intended.  He would turn it on you no matter what.  With all my heart, I wish peace and acceptance and joy to you and some release from the pain. It has taken a lot for me to get to this point. My heart still breaks for my DD, but I have cut my supply line (money, responsibility, guilty, co-dependence, enabling... .) off and am letting her find her way through this.  I'm always here to listen and love, but not to be her punching bag or the blame for poor choices.  As mimi99 said, we are no longer walking on eggshells in our own home and we have been able to concentrate on our own personal lives again... .in peace and harmony.    

[HomesteadE]

Thanks Mimi and Fixermom.  That's an interesting way of looking at it and it's comforting, I really appreciate your replies.