CE - school absences for weak reasons - does it factor in?

[Hard Rock]

Hi all,

CE is starting soon and the Ustbx-bil who is using aggressive alienation techniques on my sister's S17.

He has provided him backup on his excuses to call in sick to school - 2 times out of the 13 school nights he's had him overnight so far this year.  (school has been in session for 32 days).

S17 is not thrilled with school and has also called in sick to his first job several times on BIL's parenting time.

Some background - In a previous post I discussed my Ustbx - BIL who moved in with his GF of 3.5 months and her 2 kids (S16, D10).  We believe Ustbx-BIL doing his best to entrench the alienation by letting the S17 stay home from school when he feigns sickness.  The sicknesses cannot be physically proven (bowel issues from a bad batch of meat, stuffy nose / sore throat) and are justified and backed up by Ustbx-BIL.

How would you word this in the CE documentation and do you think it will weigh in my sister's favor that this pattern is being established with the S17 when she is trying to get him re-engaged with caring about school, work, his future, college after completing his substance abuse program this summer?

He is a very smart kid and always done well with his grades/school but he is being taught to not give a s*&% about his future, call in sick, lie, and there's a noticeable and general pissy attitude towards any kind of success or positive things to move him forward.

We know the S17 can vote with is feet as far as custody, so it's the D11 she is trying to protect with the CE and bringing to attention his lack of parenting skills and instability in regards to getting more parenting time with her. Just wondering if you all think this attendance issue with the S17 will impact Ustbx-Bil's parenting time (less parenting time) D11's in the CE?

Tonight she took asked Ustbx - Bil to drop kids off 1 hour early so she could take S17 to college night.  S17 came in with a horrible attitude and aggressively complaining the entire time before his Mom picked him up to take him - complaining about having to reschedule a work shift, why did she want him home so early, etc - the alienation was apparent.  Probably because Ustbx-BIL is angry that she noticed it was college night and requested to take the S17 before the BIL even knew anything about it (not that he would have taken him anyway).

Thanks for advice, as always.

[Nope]

I think any concerns should be brought up and factored in. If S17 is being allowed to call out sick from school for little reason, then how long before D11 is allowed to start doing the same thing? It's a valid concern and I would mention it. It's important to remember that when it comes to many of these cases there is no "smoking gun" that automatically gets the kids pulled. It's usually a laundry list of small to medium parenting issues and like of parental support and cooperation that combines to make a case for changing things.

It's sad that the 17 year old is on the path that he is on, but there won't be much you can do about it. Sounds like one of those cases where he'll figure it out when he's 30. Right now, alienation or not, your telling the kid what he doesn't want to hear and he's a teenager. That's a recipe for a poor attitude all by itself.

[Panda39]

Hi Hard Rock,

Keep on documenting the attendance issues and definitely bring it up during the CE.

My SO had his D15 (at the time) pulled out of school by her mother who had primary custody back in the beginning (against the advice of the school principal, school counselor, and against the wishes of my SO) to be home schooled on an "on-line" school. D15 did nothing for the whole year and ended up with 0.0 GPA for her first year of High School.  D11 was still going to school but uBPDmom was doing with her what your BIL is doing with your nephew.  A stomachache meant a week off of school   

My SO's situation was more severe than yours but after presenting his evidence which included the average number of days D11 was out of school he did receive education decision making once the divorce was final.

Your sister might want to try to talk with S17 about how his behaviors are ultimately hurting himself.  My SO's D15 had to learn that the hard way... .because of her missed year this smart girl didn't even get a C average and barely graduated on time. This affected her choices for college.

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

I separated when son was 3, divorce decree for equal time when he was 6, got custody when he was 9 and then went for majority time when he was 10-11.  (Each case took 18 months, plus or minus.)  I had to go back one more time since they didn't want to give me majority time when I got legal custody.  I submitted proof of confrontations, manipulations of parenting time, exchanges, son, etc.  Some teachers testified about his overnight school field trip to a local children's camp and she created a scene when she retrieved Her Son when her parenting time started.  I had even offered to exchange parenting time for it but nothing doing, she had I-Am-Mother-And-I-Know-Better blinders on.  I had a couple tardies during the prior school year but she had about 19 tardies.  The court's decision noted her "disparagement of Father" and her repeated confrontations but acted only on the tardies and school interactions.  So I moved up to majority time during the school year, while she kept equal time during the summer - "However, after considerable thought, this magistrate is willing to give Mother one more try... ."

All I can conclude is that while we may have stacks of reasons why major change is needed, court can often latch onto one issue that we didn't even see as all that crucial.  Court decisions often focus on technicalities, often the seemingly minor ones but ones that are likely to withstand challenges if objected to, reconsideration sought or appealed.  Judges don't like their decisions to be overruled or sent back for reconsideration.

[Hard Rock]

Thanks for your responses.     Yes, my sister is definitely speaking to S17 - he is confused, being used and manipulated and it's just so heartbreaking to witness, but I know not uncommon at all with divorce layered with BPD.

He's a smart kid and ultimately wants to go to college so my sister is focusing on what she can do with him - like take him to see colleges, get him prepared for life - not loserville.  Our side of the family - everyone went to college - all my siblings and nieces and nephews.  Education was always a priority with our family - so it's important to my sister to at least get him to the point where he has choices to go if he has the ambition.

His father wants him to be the guy that makes excuses for everything and calls into work or school when the wind blows the wrong way. Counteracting that programming is difficult.

I know we will make it through this, it's just hard to see my nephew's head get grinded on a daily basis and we know it exacerbated his drug use and wanting that relief from substances.  That will never be proven anywhere - but we know.

Thanks for listening and thanks for the advice. 

I'd also be curious to know also if anyone had to go through this crazy train type of HC divorce and at the same time address substance abuse issues with their teen? 

Could use some thoughts / advice / experience sharing if anyone can relate or has walked before us with this issue.

[livednlearned]

Hi Hard Rock,

I had a step son with N/BPDx prior to our divorce -- he had an alcohol problem like his dad, and flunked out of college with a 1.8 GPA after his second semester.

Kids who have been influenced by BPD parents can be emotionally stunted, and in my experience require a very different kind of love and care, and can demand no small amount of patience and probably some very fierce boundaries. The next 10 years of your nephew's life might be about the struggle to stay sober. College might not be something he's ready for, as hard as that can be to admit. I would probably do what your sister is doing, putting college in front of S17 and helping him get there. I would also try to take more of a coaching role than a fixing/rescuing role. Like Nope mentioned, if he is not ready for college, he is not ready for college, and that is for him to sort out.

My former stepson cleaned up around the age of 27, which is apparently about the age the frontal lobe finishes completely developing in boys   and eventually got his degree and a really interesting job.

Being emotionally stunted (ie not knowing what they feel and who they are) is very confusing -- the kids are not in sync with their peers developmentally, but there is no way to address it, they just feel out of step somehow. They don't have the emotional/psychological skills to deal with normal stressors of adult life and self soothe with alcohol and substances.

One of the books that helped me understand my own son a little better is Raising Cain: Understanding the Emotional Lives of Boys. They only briefly touch on validation in that book, but that's the skill that helped me heal my son. Having a BPD parent is intensely invalidating, and the kids are starved for someone to accept and acknowledge what feels real to them.

I also learned with my son that when he pushed me away or resisted me, that was a sign he needed me more. I had to learn to not take things personally when he was upset, especially when his frustration looked a lot like N/BPDx's style of dealing with negative emotions. I had to be very deliberate in how I said things, and be very empathetic, always validating, and always having strong boundaries. For your sister, that might be, "I know you have all the qualities you need to be successful in college, and I will be here to help you reach those goals. You may not feel ready right now, and might have to sort through other issues before you're ready to sober up and do the work. If you want to talk about how college feels right now, and what you need from me, I'm here whenever you want to talk."

My son self soothes with video games and I have to interject into that struggle daily. It's not easy raising a teen who has a BPD parent.