He didn't file for divorce yet

[formflier]

  I have never seen this scenario before. Can you please explain to me how it is classic?

I'll take a stab at explaining.  Open to other interpretations of this "classic" scenario.

What I see as the classic scenario is a person that "hooks" another is with a promise that is "always" "just about" to come true.

So, he is "almost about" to move.  And the other person is really looking forward to the move.  Lots of good talks and lovey dovey talk about what happens after the move.  Won't it be great... .etc etc. 

Yet, somehow, for a couple of years, it is "almost" about to happen.

the "maybe I will or won't" thing is a light nuance (to me) off of what I described above.

There is excitement generated by the thought of what life will be like post divorce filing and post divorce.  However, things keep popping up (those pesky clerks keep misplacing those papers) and hope gets extending that next month will be better... .and then the next. 

This serves to create some doubt that it will happen and hopefully the other party will "push" "chase" "desire" the other a little more to push this issue over the line to completion.

Yet... something comes up... .better luck next month.

Do you see the dynamic at play in these scenarios that I laid out?

Do you think they match what you have experienced in your r/s?

FF

[Turkish]

Chasing here is not literal.  It's more important that you look at it from HIS perspective.

I think that this is a key point. He may feel like this. Or, he may be withdrawing and fortifying his defenses. 

We could speculate to the moon, however, about the motivations of our pwBPD. It may even be helpful... .to a point. Though this is certainly a confusing situation, too much focus upon the unknowns (his motivations, how he feels, what drives him), may not yield much fruit.

You're in the r/s, there is no "chasing" here. You've just uncovered some things which he has not dealt or is dealing with. The r/s seemed stable until things were brought to light. It would be better to focus it back on you, rather than him. What do you want, and how do you get to a comfortable place which aligns to your core values.

It's tough to deal with equivocation, like trying to hit a moving target.

[unicorn2014]

Make and stick to a boundary that causes him to react or act on your values.  Versus making a boundary/deadline (based on good solid reasoning) and then continuing to interact with him.

Thank you for reading and responding.

I think that's where the confusion is. I haven't set a boundary with him. I'm taking him at face value. He said he filed. He said the county clerk or the lawyer didn't do their job. So the position I am taking is one of trying to help him.

She said she would take a break, I said xyz, she did not take a break... .therefore she is still after me.

I think I see where the confusion is now. I thought I already said that I had worked out with my dad that I would give my partner until he moved out here to straighten this out. That's a month away.

Maybe desire would be a better term to use if you find "chase" objectionable.  (just tossing out ideas here)

Thank you for accommodating me. I do find the term 'chase' very objectionable, given the circumstances. I am definitely not chasing my partner.

Sometimes when people have been chased (desired) for a long time you have to send a clear signal that they are not currently being chased... .especially if there is a reason you want to send that signal.

I also see where the confusion comes in here too. We are past the point of building a r/s based on desire. My partner is acting very responsibly towards me already, helping me with medical and educational expenses, helping me with my daughter. This isn't a dating or even romantic r/s, its a family r/s.

So, no filing, you let him know you will talk to him in week for the purpose of seeing if he has filed yet, and for the next week he gets no communication from you at all, despite his repeated attempts to call, text and otherwise communicate.

That would send a clear message that you are not chasing (desiring) him.

Hope this illustrates the chasing point (issue).

FF

Yes, I see the disconnect. So, I have made the decision to stay in the r/s for the next month and wait to see what happens when he moves out here. So I probably need to find a way to post back on the staying board.

[unicorn2014]

So, he is "almost about" to move.  And the other person is really looking forward to the move.  Lots of good talks and lovey dovey talk about what happens after the move.  Won't it be great... .etc etc. 

Yes, but in my case I'm feeling apprehensive about the move given the circumstances. I'll be quite frank, I don't feel good about him moving out here at all without filing for divorce. So I don't respond to those good talks and lovey dovey talks anymore.

Yet, somehow, for a couple of years, it is "almost" about to happen.

Yes, over two years ago he told me he was moving out here. I stopped emotionally responding to that a long time ago. I worked on that in therapy.

There is excitement generated by the thought of what life will be like post divorce filing and post divorce.  However, things keep popping up (those pesky clerks keep misplacing those papers) and hope gets extending that next month will be better... .and then the next. 

That may be the case for some r/s but not for mine. That excitement died down a long time ago, after many disappointments.

This serves to create some doubt that it will happen and hopefully the other party will "push" "chase" "desire" the other a little more to push this issue over the line to completion.

That may be the case, but I ceased responding to that a long time ago. The way I see it, my partner's divorce and move are unfinished business on his part and we can't start building a life together until he gets out here. I've held my line on this for a long time.

Do you see the dynamic at play in these scenarios that I laid out?

Do you think they match what you have experienced in your r/s?

FF

Yes I do see a dynamic at play and that would require someone young and naive to play the other part, and that someone would not be me. That may have been what happened at first in the r/s but I wised up after much disappointment. As I just stated, the way I see it is my partner's divorce and move are his business, and what he needs to do to be able to be with me. That is what we covered in therapy. This recent discovery that he hadn't filed really upset me but I'm over it now and trying to move on with my life. I told my partner I was going to try to focus on my life while he got this straightened out. I told him exactly how I felt about it, how much of a distraction it was, and how much distress it caused.

[unicorn2014]

You're in the r/s, there is no "chasing" here. You've just uncovered some things which he has not dealt or is dealing with. The r/s seemed stable until things were brought to light. It would be better to focus it back on you, rather than him. What do you want, and how do you get to a comfortable place which aligns to your core values.

It's tough to deal with equivocation, like trying to hit a moving target.

Thank you Turkish. That is exactly what I told him tonight, that things were stable until I found he it appeared he hadn't filed and that turned my whole world upside down. I know what I want, a stable family. I was clear about that from the beginning and my partner understood that. I'm actually more concerned about the divorce then my father and daughter are. Basically my stance on it is there is something wrong and he needs to fix it. I've been very clear with him I'm not assigning blame. So I guess I've made my decision to stay in the r/s for the time being so I can go back to posting on the staying board.

[pallavirajsinghani]

The terms  "games" and "chasing" are not literal terms.  I use them metaphorically... .as in mental patterns/behaviours/thoughts.  Of course, you are not chasing him as you are starting to discern patterns in his behavior/speech/conduct and are starting to put those patterns within a certain framework.   

Yet, I am sure the mind wonders  "Now that I am not chasing him, what will happen?... .Will reverse psychology work?  Will it actually bring him to a real and conclusive filing because I am not available?"  And my caution is  to stay true to your own grit, your own grain.  The path of strength that you are walking... .takes vigilance... .so stay vigilant, stay strong.

God bless.

[unicorn2014]

The terms  "games" and "chasing" are not literal terms.  I use them metaphorically... .as in mental patterns/behaviours/thoughts.  Of course, you are not chasing him as you are starting to discern patterns in his behavior/speech/conduct and are starting to put those patterns within a certain framework.   

Yet, I am sure the mind wonders  "Now that I am not chasing him, what will happen?... .Will reverse psychology work?  Will it actually bring him to a real and conclusive filing because I am not available?"  And my caution is  to stay true to your own grit, your own grain.  The path of strength that you are walking... .takes vigilance... .so stay vigilant, stay strong.

God bless.

Hi Palla, thank you for reading and replying.

I don't think I've made myself clear. I've decided to stay in the r/s and help him with his filing. We are having another conversation about it next week. I did tell him I was not comfortable with him moving out here without a divorce attorney or a plan in place. I probably should move over to the staying board. I have much bigger problems in my life right now other then whether or not my fiancé files for divorce. When he moves out here then it will be a much bigger concern. I have other difficult people in my life such as my child's father and my mother that are giving me much more of a problem right now then my fiancé.