Trying to understand the BPD behavior of projection

[unicorn2014]

Hello everyone   except for a little bump in the road yesterday when the subject of my daughter's thanksgiving trip came up things have been relatively  calm in my life, save for an argument I got in with my fiancé this morning about loneliness. I thought it was relevant to this board because I accused him of imitating me. (I realize making accusations against a person with BPD traits isn't very productive and I'm working on it.)

We got in a big argument yesterday about the subject of my daughter's independent  thanksgiving trip that he is going to pay for. Originally he was going to be here, send my daughter to see her dad's side of the family and we were going to go somewhere else, but then I found out his divorce hadn't been filed and told him so he had to cancel his move.

Ok, to be honest, this gets into a much bigger issue. I've read all the way down to the BPD behavior of projection and felt I really needed to talk about this one publicly. I hope I get more then one response, as I got only one response to my last post. I hope people haven't walked away from me because I'm not following their advice.

So basically my fiancé told me he was concerned about me because I never got to go anywhere as he had been planning to take me to a museum I wanted to go to since last summer and had to keep calling it off either due to lack of money on his part or problems with my daughter on my part. The fact of the matter is when he tells me he's concerned about me on the one hand and then tells me no because it humiliates him when I asked him to have his lawyer call me on the other it makes it hard for me to believe he's really concerned about me. However he did say he would have his new lawyer call me, and he did say he would show me escrow papers by the end of the week.

So my fiancé ended up trying to push me to leave him and go no contact and I told him at no point in the relationship had I made the decision to leave him.

So this gets back to my question about projection. We got into an argument this morning about loneliness. Last night I had a dream in which I missed him and I told him about it this morning. He is always telling me he misses me and I even talked about this with my former therapist. See when he tells me he misses me a part of me resents him for beginning a relationship with me in the first place when he shouldn't have. I resent being attached to someone who lives so far and who has a wife who doesn't want to let him go legally. So usually when he tells me he misses me I can't respond in kind, however my dreams are more truthful, and I told him about my dream. Then I told him I don't usually talk about my loneliness because there's no point. Then he said maybe he shouldn't talk about his either. Then I got mad at him. I said if nobody talks about their feelings what good is that. I pointed out to him that he makes his living as an expressive person. I told him he was better at that then I was.

I felt like he was imitating me and I told him so. A lot of the times I feel like he's mirroring me to get my acceptance, whether its talking about our childhoods, the way we relate to people or how we deal with religion. On the other hand we have some very strong differences of opinion too.

How do I know what is normal relationship stuff and what is BPD stuff?

[foggydew]

Does it matter?  Stuff is stuff, and affects us anyway.

[unicorn2014]

Does it matter?  Stuff is stuff, and affects us anyway.

It does matter. Let me share with you the text I got this morning after sharing my dream with my fiancé. I called him as soon as I saw it came in because I knew it was going to be trouble.

"I was thinking about what it is to be lonely. And what you said about not mentioning it because there was no point. (which I took to mean there was nothing to be done about it now in this moment). I will think about it. Since you are more experienced with this. Maybe that is a good idea for me too."

From my end, that is a passive aggressive text designed to hook me and piss me off and you know what? I took the bait.

(Let me add that I have asked my fiancé innumerable times not to put emotionally laden content in text. Also let me add that at the time at which he sent me this text I was getting ready to bring my daughter to go over to meet family nearby so I was under time pressure and he knew that. He shouldn't have sent that text for two reasons.)

I think that was a passive aggressive text.  I've been in a LDR with my fiancé for over 3 years now. I'm really not happy that I allowed myself to get attached to a man who is going through a divorce and who lives in another time zone. So of course I'm going to feel lonely. So when my fiancé talks to me about missing me there's a part of me that resents him because we wouldn't have been in this situation in the first place if he had been straight with me about being married when I met him. I fell in love with him because I thought he was fully available, I formed my emotions on a lie.

Basically I told my fiancé this morning that I'm very familiar with loneliness, I felt lonely as a teenager, and then I felt lonely again in my marriage. My fiancé maintains that he never felt lonely before he met me and now he only feels lonely for me. That puts a lot of pressure on me. He says I'm his only attachment.

So do you understand why I feel a bit resentful and why I'm wondering if this isn't a manipulative tactic on his part?

That's why I'm bringing it to the attention of this board, because I'm really trying to cleanse myself of misperceptions. That's another thing my fiancé loves to accuse me of, misperceptions, and maybe I'll get to that later on down this thread.

As someone else pointed out I do have a lot of resentments against my fiancé and I am trying to work through them because I don't think that's healthy for any relationship, BPD or not.

I also should say this touches on issues of objectification as not only have I asked my fiancé not to text me about emotional matters but he knew I was trying to get out the door. So I think he was totally selfish to send me that text, and based on what I've read about objectification he was totally using his attachment to me as a comfort object without regard for my feelings. Which ties back into the argument we got in yesterday when on the one hand he tells me he's concerned about me and on the other hand he tells me no when I ask him to have his lawyer call me to verify he filed for divorce. He says he feels humiliated. So his humiliation is more important then my request yet he loves me and cares about me? Again, that feels manipulative to me.

[Sunfl0wer]

So do you understand why I feel a bit resentful and why I'm wondering if this isn't a manipulative tactic on his part?

Yes. I too would feel resentful in the circumstance you explain.

Your whole thread shows a ton of insight on your part.  All of it is very well explained.  It all sounds very accurate and valid.  You clearly are working hard, thinking hard about this all.

Do you trust your assessment of things?

Whether we label a person's behavior as BPD or not doesn't really matter.  What matters is behavior that conflicts with our own sensibilities and if it is compatible with our values.  Can we RA that what we are being presented with... .is what it is, and this person is who their behavior communicates to us?  If so, are we willing to have that in our r/s, part of our life, part of our child's life?  Or are we staying in hopes for our partner to change who they are?

The traits our partner's show to us are likely indicative of coping styles and behaviors they have had all of their life.  

It sounds like your partner is mirroring you.  Like he is displaying a false self to appear appealing.  This is especially easy to do in a LDR.  This is especially easy to do before people cohabitate.

My partner did this so well.  Unfortunately, I did not have the knowledge of the concept of mirroring.  It sounds like you have accurately picked up on this in your partner... .unfortunately... .his lack of transparency has now got you very emotionally invested, and it sounds as though he is more interested in maintaining your feelings as emotionally vested... .vs transparency and honesty.  He rather you "resolve" your feelings of lack of trust towards him... .as maybe that is actually a "problem" that can be more easily resolve than his own problem of lacking transparency... .which seems to be a big problem for him. (As he claims his ego cannot take that... .humiliation)

I would not be able to let go of resentment if I were in your position.

I have a right to be treated with respect, accepting less is what would cause me resentment... .which means either my partner would have to undo the behavior he exhibited with great effort and consistency.  Or I would have to walk away and treat myself with the respect I deserve.  Honestly, idk if I could be that strong.  It is an area I need to work on.  Three years is a long time to be involved... .in an "unknown" status of "commitment."   I would be pained to think of giving up what I worked so very hard at.


Edit: Why can he not see the reasonable potential for humiliation of a partner who is dating a man without certainty is divorced, or even seeking divorce?  Sounds like he is even mirroring your feeling about this to you and "stealing" it.

[unicorn2014]

Whether we label a person's behavior as BPD or not doesn't really matter.  What matters is behavior that conflicts with our own sensibilities and if it is compatible with our values.  Can we RA that what we are being presented with... .is what it is, and this person is who their behavior communicates to us?  If so, are we willing to have that in our r/s, part of our life, part of our child's life?  Or are we staying in hopes for our partner to change who they are?

Hi sunflower, thanks for replying. I'm definitely not staying in the hopes my partner will change. I'm definitely trying to radically accept his behavior. I don't think anybody is 100% honest.

It sounds like your partner is mirroring you.  Like he is displaying a false self to appear appealing.  This is especially easy to do in a LDR.  This is especially easy to do before people cohabitate.

I actually don't think he's showing me false self. He's told me and I believe that he is himself around me. The problem is he's built a false life around a false self and now its proving to be harder to dismantle then he thought. He actually told his parents about me and told them he can be himself around me. I don't think he's lying to me about that part. I just find it stifling and suffocating. I don't want somebody that close to me, mirroring me.

My partner did this so well.  Unfortunately, I did not have the knowledge of the concept of mirroring.  It sounds like you have accurately picked up on this in your partner... .unfortunately... .his lack of transparency has now got you very emotionally invested, and it sounds as though he is more interested in maintaining your feelings as emotionally vested... .vs transparency and honesty.  He rather you "resolve" your feelings of lack of trust towards him... .as maybe that is actually a "problem" that can be more easily resolve than his own problem of lacking transparency... .which seems to be a big problem for him. (As he claims his ego cannot take that... .humiliation)

I am sorry for what you went through and I agree with you on this point however he maintains he didn't know his lawyer didn't file and thanks me for bringing it to his attention.

I would not be able to let go of resentment if I were in your position.

I have a right to be treated with respect, accepting less is what would cause me resentment... .which means either my partner would have to undo the behavior he exhibited with great effort and consistency.  Or I would have to walk away and treat myself with the respect I deserve.  Honestly, idk if I could be that strong.  It is an area I need to work on.  Three years is a long time to be involved... .in an "unknown" status of "commitment."   I would be pained to think of giving up what I worked so very hard at.

He is committed to me, that I'm sure of. I don't blame him that his wife is making it hard to make a settlement. I actually enjoy his companionship, his support, his knowledge.

Edit: Why can he not see the reasonable potential for humiliation of a partner who is dating a man without certainty is divorced, or even seeking divorce?  Sounds like he is even mirroring your feeling about this to you and "stealing" it.

He knows full well why I feel the way I do and has apologized about it profusely. I've been very clear with my family about what's going on and my friends and have told him.

I think my work lies in radical acceptance. I will be reading about splitting and disassociation, he used to disassociate a lot, and about treatment and write about those if I can. Thank you so much for your reply.