Breaking n/ c to discuss divorce

[murphy7083]

Hi guys thoughts please

Together 8 years, marriage and then 3 months later relationship rupture with my uBPDw nov 2014.

It's time to file ( in in Australia) I'm in a very healthy place now after the worst year of my life.

Had first solicitor consult today. He asked me questions that only my wife can answer- like her address, what state she will live in during the divorce if she wants to do a joint application to the court etc

It got me thinking maybe it's time to give her a shout and see her thoughts on the matter. I am honest with myself that this contact is for legal purposes only- I wouldn't take her back on a fit. I also want to see if she is going to be calm and reasonable or angry and fighty as I have 2 options to declare an inheritance or not- its property and worth very little - if we don't squabble over it then our divorce process would be perfectly smooth apart from her massive debts. There are no kids involved.

My question is- how did you guys approach this aspect of divorce? I think it's safe as I feel immune to her charms but obviously I want my BPD family's opinion too

I guess I'm trying to avoid just lawyer contact only as that is confrontational and perhaps some of this can be worked out like adults?

[maxen]

if we don't squabble over it then our divorce process would be perfectly smooth apart from her massive debts.

sounds familiar!

I guess I'm trying to avoid just lawyer contact only as that is confrontational and perhaps some of this can be worked out like adults?

it could happen, and i'm giving here only my experience. at first i thought my exw and i could go to mediation but she had gone into an insanity of arrogance and it became clear that i didn't have the emotional wherewithal to deal with her directly. if you do, then that's great. you've been n/c since last november? do you have any information at all about her life since then? divorce - the real departure, the "abandonment" as a pwBPD might see it - could be a massive trigger.

when you say just-lawyer contact, you mean lawyer-to-her, not your lawyer-to- her lawyer, is that right?

[ForeverDad]

You or something you say may trigger her when you make contact.  If she flames out, don't let her uncontrolled emotions get you engulfed in defense, her distorted perceptions won't register the logic.  Keep the emotions out as much as possible, businesslike, like unwinding a business merger.

You may need to cut emotional demands, rants and rages short.  Just say you'll call her back another time or ask her when you can call her back at a better time for her, etc.  Deflect is okay.  Brief is great.  Appease is not, she would interpret your concessions as weakness and keep pushing for more and more.

Also, any negotiations and points of agreement that derail into chaos and shopping binges can be dropped.  That is, if you reach an agreement and then she wants to change it or carve out more for herself then you have a right to drop it all and start over.  Don't feel obligated beyond what is appropriate.  Most pwBPD are masters at manipulation, guilting and twisted reasonings.

For example, though I don't know the laws in your country, her debts from before marriage ought to remain her debts.  Perhaps also all her debts whenever she incurred them, depending on how expenditures during marriage are handled.  Don't feel obligated to give in beyond what the law states.  Yes, you can make some concessions "just to get it over with and to avoid delays and expenses in court", but if you do then it must be final.  She will try to chip away at it but stand by your boundary, well, unless you're both in front of the judge and pens in hand and That makes it Final.

[murphy7083]

Thanks for replies. Separated in November and went fully n/ c from January - apart from her family getting in touch a couple of times to say how shocked they are etc that it all went to ___- don't think I mentioned but she had an affair I'm 32 she's 29 - with a 22 year old 3 months after walking down the aisle with me- anyway I pushed her away hard in the end and she didn't come back - meanwhile I healed considerably and grew some self respect/ worth- making me feel ' immune' now as I would never put up with that treatment from anyone again. To answer your query about knowing what she's been up to in the meantime- I had updates from mutual friends ( eventually I moved to another state) but she's still with the o/ m, they've moved to 3 different house rentals in 8 months- it's hard to get a long term lease here. She is putting on a great show on face book of their relationship- I am told.

So I text her asking can we open communication regarding divorce- between me and her- I was hoping to reduce the need for my lawyer to talk to her lawyer about every minute detail- eg is she going to stay in that state for the duration or go back to our home country? Etc she replied today saying - hi, I will see a solicitor tomorrow and then give you a shout, it seems most straightforward of we sign a joint application.

So this could be progress. I aim to keep all chats strictly business and will deflect anything personal/ emotional. I won't celebrate her co operative attitude just yet. Il keep you posted. For now this has been a bit triggering on a sub conscious level but i still have that warm feeling of being stronger than I've ever been and starting to focus on what it will be to have this entire chapter of my life closed.

[maxen]

she's still with the o/ m

from a stereotypical pwBPD perspective, that's good: she'll be emotionally occupied. my divorce went as it did (i.e., relatively smoothly) i'm sure in part due to the fact that she'd started something before she left and was bunked in with the other party the whole time.

I won't celebrate her co operative attitude just yet.

also wise.