I never knew... Standing at the Precipice trying to Figure it out...

[perry1]

Years ago I married my ":)ream Girl".  She is beautiful, smart, talented, articulate, concerned about others, and passionate about family.  During dating there were a few bumps in the road, but like life, there are few bumps in the road. I knew nothing about BPD and wasn't looking for BPD traits or warning signs. For those of you familiar with BPD I don't have to tell you how life has progressed following marriage... .

For the first six months I tried to manage through... .MISTAKE. I was the proverbial guy with a knife at a gun fight - out manned, lacking understanding, and ill equipped. About this time I went to see a therapist I knew and he asked me a lot of questions and suggested I read up on BPD. For the first time, I began to understand and educate myself on the topic. As I read and learned more, the weight of the information and the road ahead began to crush my spirit.

I am a very strong and accomplished person and I have never been humiliated, criticized, and belittled like I have by my spouse. The pace, persistence, and intensity of my spouses verbal attacks are dizzying.  I now understand that I am in a very different kind of relationship... .if you can call it that. 

The worse part for me, is she espouses values that orbit around care for others.  I will see her stop the car and help a homeless person and minutes later rip into me like I am the worst person on the planet. The whip lash of "champion of the downtrodden" to "verbal and emotional abuser" is very challenging to experience. If I am quiet, the torrent continues.  If I try to engage, its like a verbal Cage Match.  She knows the BPD playbook and anticipates every move by saying your going to do x or y or z. 

I don't want to leave but I am literally standing at the precipice of my life with my spouse wondering do I have the physical, emotional, and spiritual fortitude to continue.  Do I love my spouse... .I think I do.  My challenge on this front is how to reconcile the hurt, pain, feelings of gullibility, and exhaustion with my desire to have a great life with the person my heart desires.

Any way, this is my first post. I am seeing a therapist and starting to look for a support group. I find time to do things that create moments of happiness for me and I am continuing to learn about BPD and coping strategies.

Overall, I am blessed and continue to be hopeful. One thing I can say about having a BPD partner is that some of the other relationships I thought challenging are now like a Sunday stroll with balloons and cotton candy. Contemplating what's next... .my relationship with my spouse is a constant source of challenge. 

Perry

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CrazyChuck]

It is so strange how much you see the same thing in so many posts. How many times you will think that happened to you. How many times you will see someone comment and think I heard the same thing. It is very much like a playbook.

[an0ught]

Hi Perry,

For the first six months I tried to manage through... .MISTAKE. I was the proverbial guy with a knife at a gun fight - out manned, lacking understanding, and ill equipped. About this time I went to see a therapist I knew and he asked me a lot of questions and suggested I read up on BPD. For the first time, I began to understand and educate myself on the topic. As I read and learned more, the weight of the information and the road ahead began to crush my spirit.

you are not the first one who has learned about BPD from the own T, that route is more common that one thinks. A doctor once told me the healthier partner often seeks out T first.

I am a very strong and accomplished person and I have never been humiliated, criticized, and belittled like I have by my spouse. The pace, persistence, and intensity of my spouses verbal attacks are dizzying.  I now understand that I am in a very different kind of relationship... .if you can call it that. 

The worse part for me, is she espouses values that orbit around care for others.  I will see her stop the car and help a homeless person and minutes later rip into me like I am the worst person on the planet. The whip lash of "champion of the downtrodden" to "verbal and emotional abuser" is very challenging to experience. If I am quiet, the torrent continues.  If I try to engage, its like a verbal Cage Match.  She knows the BPD playbook and anticipates every move by saying your going to do x or y or z. 

Strength and logic won't help you. They are very useful but alone they can be used against you. What you need is the skills to let her steam off in ways that are harmless for you and skills to use her emotions to calm her.

I don't want to leave but I am literally standing at the precipice of my life with my spouse wondering do I have the physical, emotional, and spiritual fortitude to continue.  Do I love my spouse... .I think I do.  My challenge on this front is how to reconcile the hurt, pain, feelings of gullibility, and exhaustion with my desire to have a great life with the person my heart desires.

This is good thinking but don't beat yourself up for gullibility. She has strong emotions - those are convincing. That is exactly why you need boundaries/limits for yourself. You need boundaries/limits to limit the energy you spend on drama so you have energy left when she comes down.

Any way, this is my first post. I am seeing a therapist and starting to look for a support group. I find time to do things that create moments of happiness for me and I am continuing to learn about BPD and coping strategies.

It is good to see you optimistic. They certainly challenge us to grow.

and hope to see you around  ,

a0

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, my husband doesn't like it, but he knows I feel he duped me. I mean, he isn't at all the patient, slow to anger, mellow, communicative guy I dated. He didn't used to judge me and blame me for everything. I think the higher functioning BPD can keep it together long enough to get us ensnared, then it either slowly comes out, or it just gets unleashed.

I fully believe that my BPDh can control his(I've seen period of this),  but he just has the entitled attitude that he shouldn't have to. It doesn't bother HIM, the way it does me, and change is hard, and he hasn't hit the wall where his actions and behaviors have cost him enough, maybe. He's even in DBT, but I can't tell that he's getting much from it, again, because he's in denial, and doesn't want to do the work.

Do you go through times that are better than others? That seems to be a recurring theme here. We have times where things get much better, but then it's back to negativity, blaming, and acting out. I guess the more we can learn, and not get too down when one of the down times happen, the easier it'll be to ride it out. I try to no longer get too happy, or too sad, just because things are better, or things are bad. I try to maintain and even keel, because I know the winds might change tomorrow.

Hang in there, and keep up that positive attitude, and keep coming here to keep your spirits up.