siblings

[tompoes]

Hi,

I was wondering if anyone has some tips on how to manage the sibling relationship between a BPD and a nonBPD?   I have a 16yr old daughter with BPD who can be very nasty to her 14yr old brother. They used to be very close and she can be lovely and she loves and cares for him but has a funny way of showing it sometimes. He usually is understanding and doesn't let it get to him but  there are moments  she is really out of line and it upsets him but she just ignores it.  I understand she can't always help herself but I do try and call her up on in a non confronting way but my son feels he always has to be the reasonable one and it is tough on him.  Any tips on how to manage both?  I don't want my son to start resenting his sister or be scared of her.  Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[infiniteeyes]

Hey there

Its very hard on the other kids in the family isnt it?

Theres a much bigger age gap between my two girls my BPDDD is 16 and my little one is only 4,

i have a hard time explaining to my little daughter why the police come to our home.

She recently started showing signs of anxiety around the whole situation.

Its up to us as parents to protect them and sometimes that takes alot of pre-planning a situation.

Im lucky to have people close by who can always take my youngest away from the situation if needed.

Not always the case though if DD16 starts raging in the middle of the night while DD4 is sleeping and wakes her. Unfortunatley this has happened a few times. In that case I must make LO my priority and go about settling her and reassuring her back to sleep.

Is your 14 year old aware that his sister has a mental illness?

[llbee814]

Hello tompoes... .just wanted to share a little bit of my family experience regarding siblings.  We have the opposite scenario,  with dd being the youngest of four.  Older sister was basically married and out of our home for the worst of it.  Two older brothers were still living at home, with the younger of them in the same high school with her.  If only I knew then what I know now... .famous last words,  no? 

I can only say that I would have absolutely made sure that both boys had received counseling.  The situation had a profound effect on both boys.  I  believe that they really would have benefited from having an outlet outside of the family to discuss what was going on with their sister.  I think it would have been healthier for them. 

I can only imagine that it is harder having younger siblings involved.  Blessings to all, llbee.

[tompoes]

Hi Infiniteeyes, thanks for responding.  I guess it is difficult for the  siblings regardless what age.  It must be scary for your 4yr old and yes having time out places to go to are lifesavers.  My son sometimes txts me after school to go an hamg with one of his mates house because he needs a break and it really helps him cope. 

Yes my son is aware of his sister's condition and tries to be tolerant but obviously he is a 14yr old boy and has to be allowed to be one.  I try to assure him he is allowed to be frustrated by the situation but not to blame his sister.  I keep explaining it is the illness and not her which seems to help him deal.

We had a good two weeks, school holidays which means she usually is better because she isn't comfronted with the demands and pressures of school and surrounded by kids she feels don't understand some of them she used to be friends with but has pushed away because it is too much for her to deal with.  School is back on Monday... .

They have been spending time together and she even made him tea a few times.  I know she loves him and she regrets lashing out and loosing it and making tea is her way of saying sorry (she will never actually say it but we take what we can

[tompoes]

Hi lilbee814,

I agree with counselling for siblings.  He had skme sessions in the past and overall he is a very mindfull kid and not afraid to discuss his feelings.  He is protective towards me so I have to now and again remind him that I am his mum as well and he can talk to me about anything. 

My kids are no longer in the same school which gives him the opportunity to just be him and not the brother off which has been good for him.

take care

[livednlearned]

Hi lilbee814,

You're a good mama, and want what's best for both your kids. Like any kid with a special needs sibling, your son is probably going to be shaped in profound ways by his sister's behavior. How you help him will probably shape him even more.

My brother was uBPD and as rough as that was, in some ways the real damage came from how my parents responded. I was expected to be the good child, the reasonable one, to never complain, to take it in the chin. As a result, I took this with me into my adult relationships and ended up marrying someone BPD.

I have to imagine that counseling is just as important for you as it is for your son. It's hard enough to handle conflict between siblings, and to have BPD thrown in must make it overwhelming as a parent. Some Ts will do family counseling with the two of you.

People with BPD have intense needs for validation, and it's easy to overlook the validation needs of other family members. I would imagine your son also needs help with boundary work. It sounds like your D has some awareness of her behavior. What would it be like if the three of you talked in advance about boundaries in the event she dysregulates? Letting her be involved, as well as your son, might give your son some important skills in case he seeks out disordered individuals later in his life.

I am grateful I learned tolerance as a kid. I just wish I also learned how to identify difficult people and have good boundaries. Maybe you can teach your son those skills.