newly married - unsure how to handle holidays

[GreenGlit]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to start this post by thanking those of you who have been so supportive with my past posts dealing with family drama, particularly surrounding issues with my wedding. Thanks to this blog and my therapist, I had a perfectly magical and beautiful wedding. My uBPD mother was crying and scowling the entire evening and made every attempt to ruin it, but my friends and other family overwhelmed her unhappiness with so much love and support, and frankly I hardly even noticed my mother the whole day. It was like God smiled on us that day with absolutely perfect weather and not a single hiccup the whole day. So - truly, from the bottom of my heart - thank you for this blog for helping contribute to my beautiful wedding. I am very grateful.

Now that my husband and I are settling into married life, we are approaching our first holidays as a married couple. It has already been established that I will spend X-mas with his family, particularly after last X-mas I spent crying at home. My mother spent the day criticizing me and how I "ruined things with the family" when I requested of my sister to have her children babysat during my 30 minute ceremony (she took this request very personally and, long story short, said very offensive things and decided not to attend my wedding). It was truly the worst Christmas of my life, so I told my husband I wasn't doing that again. I assumed we would spend Thanksgiving with my parents in exchange for X-mas, however my mother has been very cold and unwelcoming to me and my husband since our wedding. She blames both of us for the tension between me and my sister, and whenever I try to make plans to see them she says things like "I don't know what I'm doing that weekend" and "I can't make those plans now." She is retired and has literally nothing else to do.

Anyway, I admitted to my therapist yesterday that frankly I don't WANT to see them for Thanksgiving. I know it would be a terrible time for both me and my husband, since my mother will continue to be cold and critical. I have a very balanced and happy relationship with my spouse and I don't think either of us deserve to make the trip for a holiday to be "punished" the whole time. Of course this lack of desire to see my mom brings with it a lot of guilt. I feel that I'm supposed to want to see her - but I just don't have it in me. I fear that we would visit and it would be an extremely unpleasant time, and at the worst, we would end up leaving because I wouldn't want to put up with that kind of treatment. At the same time I feel guilty leaving my parents to potentially be alone for a holiday. I don't know how to deal with these conflicting feelings. My therapist agrees that visiting my family for Thanksgiving would be extremely unpleasant. She has said to me that from now on I will need to make the decision of how much I want to include my parents in my life, and how it will affect my spouse, since it's not just about me anymore.

I was curious to ask if anyone here has had similar feelings, and how you deal with not wanting to see family for holidays. How to deal with the guilt of knowing your parents might be alone for Christmas, but at the same time wanting to protect your own happiness, and the interests of your spouse. Advice is really appreciated.

[todayistheday]

You and your DH are a new family and it's your time to start your own traditions.  It's up to you if they do or do not include extended family.  If you want to cook Thanksgiving for 2, go to a buffet, or to a vacation spot for Thanksgiving do what you want.

Holidays are supposed to be a happy time.  Make good memories of your "first" holidays together.  Tune the BPD's in the family out.

It's very normal to want to create traditions with your new husband, no matter how mean or nice the extended families are.

I have been married for almost 30 years and would LOVE to start spending Christmas at home instead of running all over the state to visit relatives.  DH wants to see relatives, including mine.  Get onto the same page and enjoy!

[Glenna]

Hi Greengilt!

So happy to hear that your wedding was perfect and wonderful!

Regarding Thansgiving. I'll just say that one cruel, insulting, demeaning remark shot across a table laden with good food not only ruins the day, but stays with the victim(s) for a long long time, if not forever.

It was 19 years ago that I was the victim and the day is in my memory as a horror. It was in front of guests too. I sacrificed a lot of my life in order to not hurt my mother in any way, and I now know that if I had rather taken care of myself she probably would have respected me more. Ironic but true.

Todayistheday makes an excellent point that this is your first holiday together. That is important. I'd say make some nice plans for yourself and maybe soften the action by sending something kind of fabulous to them at that time, such as flowers, fruit, or some kind of goodies.

Enjoy your new life!

Glenna

[Tiredbride313]

Hi Greenglit,

I've been thinking about you and I'm so happy to hear that your wedding was beautiful and perfect! Congratulations to you and your new husband!

Regarding holidays, I echo what todayistheday and Glenna said. This is the time for you and your husband to establish traditions for you two as a new family unit. Last year was my husband's and my first holiday as a married couple.  I'm NC with my parents and while his family is great, they are an 8 hour drive away. We spent Thanksgiving with close friends who are family to us and took our honeymoon over Christmas and New Year's. His family was totally understanding and I was able to put the drama of my FOO aside. This year it will be just the two of us for Thanksgiving and I'm looking forward to making a nice meal and spending the day with him and our new kitten. :-)

The holidays are about creating memories with the ones you love. Take this opportunity to create some wonderful ones with your new hubby. :-)

[Kwamina]

Hi Greenlit

Congratulations on getting married! I am very glad you had such a lovely wedding

I understand why you don't feel comfortable spending holidays with your mother considering the negative way she behaves. For dealing with feelings of guilt, I've found a quote from Pete Walker's work very helpful and insightful, perhaps you can also benefit from it:

"Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”."

[MissMatzoh]

Hey Green,

First off, congrats on your wedding! Sounds like you had a magical day!

I'm struggling with the same thing; the fiancee and I just boked Xmas/NYE with his family out of town. As I've been sporadically speaking with my family, I just made a command decision to spend the holidays with his family. Last year I flew home to spend Xmas with my fam, and was immediately greeted with drama and attitude.

Hooray for new traditions and happy (sane) holidays!