His first extinction burst on my new boundary?

[unicorn2014]

Hello everyone and welcome the newcomers   

So, today I made the mistake of texting to my fiancé "I have a question for you about your escrow which I will ask you later" because I thought a poster on this board was telling me to ask him about his escrow when in reality he was asking me about his escrow. So my fiancé responded "ok and I can talk with you about a lease". That made my heart sink.   

The boundary I had set up with my fiancé is that he remain in his state until he gets his divorce straightened out.

I did not respond to his text.

So, since it was a mistake to ask him about his escrow, I'm not going to bring it up again. However now I'm nervous that my fiancé is talking about a lease. I really want to ask him "do you mean a lease for here or a lease for there?" but I am not prepared to deal with it if he had the nerve to talk to me about a lease for here without telling me he got his divorce taken care of. I'm going to be really angry if he dared to broach the subject of a lease with me without telling me he got his divorce situation straightened out. So of course now I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, meaning to say I don't want to bring the subject up, but I also don't want an unknown.

I think this is the first time I'm going to ask the board "What should I do?" One of things I was working on with radical acceptance was the fact it took me 1.9 years to start choosing a path, stop the bleeding and taking a step backwards. I don't want to mess up my new found progress with a simple little mistake. I also have the character defect of perfectionism so you can imagine this is really hard for me.

I suppose I should also read about BPD behaviors over on the staying board, since I am veering towards staying and not leaving because of the positives outweighing the negatives. Its one thing to read about BPD behavior in a book. Its another thing to read about it on a board and then write about it to show the other members of the board that I understand it and can see how my partner's behavior lines up with it, coupled with the fact that when I tried to talk to my partner about his borderline behavior he vehemently denied it! In fact he accused me of taking what I read in SWOE and using it against him. To make things worse, he even read that book and applied it to me!

Honestly I feel like its a lot to manage, between learning how to step backwards and learning about BPD behavior. I feel like I've already been down this path, of learning about BPD behavior. In fact a part of me feels a bit resentful that I have to put so much work into this r/s! My former sponsor and others told me that's too much work to put into a r/s.

[thisagain]

What will you do if he says he's going to sign a lease and move there?

I think the problem with your "boundary," is that you can't really control whether he moves to your town or not. There's nothing you can do to keep him from getting a lease there. You can tell him you don't want him to do it, but that's not a boundary, that's a request that he has the power to ignore.

If he was going to move in with you, then it would be a boundary to tell him that he can't move in with you until he shows you the stamped filed papers. Because you can control whether you let him move in with you. I know that's not your plan. But do you see the difference between your request and an enforceable boundary?

[unicorn2014]

This again, I sure do, so now what? That's two failed attempts on boundaries. Good thing I posted here before talking to him about it.

[myself]

Is it holding you back to not express your real feelings with him?

It's good to focus on the facts. But you're human.

And this is your relationship. There are important feelings involved, too.

[Blistex]

One of the analogies I use is the mirage.

You are very thirsty in the desert.

You see water.

You walk towards it.

To realize... .its a mirage.

Rinse and repeat a second time like you

Mentioned.  Now what?

One of the analogies I use is the mirage.

You are very thirsty in the desert.

You see water.

You walk towards it.

To realize... .its a mirage.


Third time you swing again.

It's a mirage.

Again!

The saying goes (which I did not practice until now so hopefully learn from my futile mistakes):

First time shame on you.

Second time shame on ?

Third time shame on us.  We now know better but are not changing.

Google the story of the scorpion (snake whatever)

Basic synopsis:  a woman sees an "injured" scorpion and takes it in.  Nurtures it it.  Brings it back to health.  To joy.  The scorpion then bites her.

She asks:  but why did you bite me when I took you injured and brought you back to health... .to joy.

Well... .the scorpion replies.  :)on't you know i am a scorpion?  It is in my nature.

As Maya Angelou once wrote:  people tell you who they are.  The first time.  It is up to you to listen.

Hence why people are suggesting to you to set a boundary.

Good luck!  It's tough!  I know I was there for 20 years.

Peace.

[Blistex]

I made a typo and I aplogize.   I meant to say in corrective BOLD :

The saying goes (which I did not practice until now so hopefully learn from my futile mistakes):

First time shame on THEM

Second time shame on ?

Third time shame on us.  We now know better but are not changing.

[unicorn2014]

Is it holding you back to not express your real feelings with him?

It's good to focus on the facts. But you're human.

And this is your relationship. There are important feelings involved, too.

I have so much anger at him. What good is that going to do to express it to him?I find him a problem in all kinds of area, not just telling me that he wants to talk to me about a lease. I don't like the approach he takes with my daughter either.

[unicorn2014]

Hence why people are suggesting to you to set a boundary.

I understand that but what boundary? I rely on my fiancé as my partner in helping me with my daughter so what am I supposed to do instead? There is no one else I can call up on a daily basis to help me with my daughter.

[unicorn2014]

I made a typo and I aplogize.   I meant to say in corrective BOLD :

The saying goes (which I did not practice until now so hopefully learn from my futile mistakes):

First time shame on THEM

Second time shame on ?

Third time shame on us.  We now know better but are not changing.

Ok if that's the case, then what? The topic at hand is that when I mentioned to my fiancé I wanted to talk to him about his escrow accounts he mentioned to me he wanted to talk to me about his lease and that threw me off, like a red herring. So if I didn't set a real boundary, which someone else on this boundary suggested I had, that is remain long distance until he gets his divorce straightened out, then what? That means that I didn't set a real boundary, so there is no real extinction burst. I think what I'm going to do is start working through the BPD behaviors on the staying board and write about those there while simultaneously working on taking a step backwards here.

[Blistex]

I am not sure if you are actually ready for boundaries.

I am not putting you down.  I wasn't for 20 years.

It stinks.  It's personal.

Perhaps I misunderstood based on multiple posts to gain a bit of history perspective.

Please correct me if I am wrong.

Do you know after x time period whether he filed or not for divorce?

In the end do you really care?

Do you know if he is selling he is or quote "leasing" a space?

In the end do you care?

It is a difficult choice.  They promise so much... .deliver so little.  Just like a mirage.

[myself]

I have so much anger at him. What good is that going to do to express it to him?

I understand, yet what good is it doing to NOT express it?

Is it just putting off something that's inevitable?

It's an important enough situation to be your actual self.

[unicorn2014]

Do you know after x time period whether he filed or not for divorce?

In the end do you really care?

I do not know if he filed or not and yes I do care.

Do you know if he is selling he is or quote "leasing" a space?

In the end do you care?

He already sold his house and I don't know what his lease is yet, we haven't had that conversation yet, and yes I definitely do care.



Its true, I may not be ready for boundaries yet.

[unicorn2014]

I understand, yet what good is it doing to NOT express it?

Is it just putting off something that's inevitable?

It's an important enough situation to be your actual self.

I was able to talk to him tonight and tell him how it makes me feel when he's aggressive, we were dealing with a problem with my daughter. He listened and back down. There is hope for the relationship which is why I'm working through the guidelines for making a decision in the hopes I can stay.

[thisagain]

You don't have to do anything right away. One of the best things for us to do is step back and be thoughtful about the situations, like you've been doing here, before reacting.

Especially since you say you don't like the approach he takes with your daughter, I think you should start looking for other sources of support. Are there other people who you could turn to for help with your daughter? I'm not a parent, but I know that it's generally a bad idea to depend exclusively on the pwBPD for anything. That's partly because they aren't dependable people, and also because you need leverage to enforce your boundaries. If they know you can't leave them no matter what, they have no reason to respect your boundaries. I'm not saying the only way to enforce a boundary is to leave the relationship entirely, but you do need to have the option of scaling back or leaving.

This is a wacky hypothetical, but what if he never got divorced and told you he wanted a Sister Wives arrangement with you and his ex-wife? Wouldn't you want to end the relationship? Then you'd need other ways to meet the needs that he's currently meeting.

In any relationship, but especially in a BPD relationship, it's crucial to set up your life so that you'll be okay and your basic needs will be met regardless of what your partner does.

[unicorn2014]

Especially since you say you don't like the approach he takes with your daughter, I think you should start looking for other sources of support. Are there other people who you could turn to for help with your daughter? I'm not a parent, but I know that it's generally a bad idea to depend exclusively on the pwBPD for anything. That's partly because they aren't dependable people, and also because you need leverage to enforce your boundaries. If they know you can't leave them no matter what, they have no reason to respect your boundaries. I'm not saying the only way to enforce a boundary is to leave the relationship entirely, but you do need to have the option of scaling back or leaving.

Its not his approach to my daughter I don't like, I misspoke. How he talks to her is fine. Its how he talks to me about her that's a problem sometimes and we're working on it. There is no one else. I was without a partner for 7 years. When it comes to being my partner regarding being a parent, he is the best choice. He actually is dependable when it comes to both me and my daughter. Dependability is not the problem here.

This is a wacky hypothetical, but what if he never got divorced and told you he wanted a Sister Wives arrangement with you and his ex-wife? Wouldn't you want to end the relationship? Then you'd need other ways to meet the needs that he's currently meeting.

He doesn't view his soon to be ex wife as his wife which was part of the problem. I was alone before I met him and I would be alone after I left him if I chose to leave him.

In any relationship, but especially in a BPD relationship, it's crucial to set up your life so that you'll be okay and your basic needs will be met regardless of what your partner does.

I have been okay and meeting my basic needs before I met him. He improved the quality of my life. That is part of why I am staying.

[Turkish]

Hi unicorn,

From the 30k ft view, I don't see this an an extinction burst (see here)

You mistakenly sent him a text. He responded. It triggered you because you thought that he thought you were compromising your boundary. You were wise not to respond while your emotions were heightened (I made this mistake the other week with my Ex, and it triggered her, though not to extinction burst levels). O assume that you didn't mention the texts when you spoke on the phone.

You have a lot going on here, heightened emotions on both sides. As me member here once put it, a potential "triggerfest."

It looks to me that you are trying to compartmentalize each issue (in a good way... .one issue at a time), yet your feelings of resentment may be bleeding over, and truthfully, everything is linked... Am I reading this right?

It sounds like you may feel that your mothering is impugned as well, which is another trigger (understandably).  He doesn't have kids, right?

[unicorn2014]

You mistakenly sent him a text. He responded. It triggered you because you thought that he thought you were compromising your boundary. You were wise not to respond while your emotions were heightened (I made this mistake the other week with my Ex, and it triggered her, though not to extinction burst levels). O assume that you didn't mention the texts when you spoke on the phone.

Hi Turkish, that is correct, I did not mention my text. I thought another member was asking me to ask him about escrow when in fact he was not, he was asking me about the escrow. What triggered me is he mentioned a lease and as far as I'm concerned he's not supposed to be talking about a lease for my state until he can show me that his divorce is back on track in his state. 

It looks to me that you are trying to compartmentalize each issue (in a good way... .one issue at a time), yet your feelings of resentment may be bleeding over, and truthfully, everything is linked... Am I reading this right?

Yes it is true that I am struggling with feelings of resentment, which is why I was posting about radical acceptance earlier. I resent that we're in this position 3 years later. The other day when I was reviewing my old dbt binder I found an emotional regulation diary card from 2.10 years ago where my partner told me he was going to be relocating 2.7 years ago. (Obviously he hasn't done that.) He hung up on me when I told him I was going to tell my therapist that he told me he would be locating in 3 months (at the time). My former therapist told my partner in a couples session that his moving timeline was _really_ hard for me to deal with. So yes, there's resentment. Now its not the moving timeline that's bothering me because I don't want him coming out here without his divorce being on the straight and narrow. Now what's annoying me is finding out that there is nothing filed in the system. Now its possible that something may have turned up, I haven't looked him up in a couple of weeks. I may do that again soon. (He said that when he gets a new lawyer and files again it may flush something out of the system.)

It sounds like you may feel that your mothering is impugned as well, which is another trigger (understandably).  He doesn't have kids, right?

Yes, that is what happened tonight, and it was a simple text misunderstanding and I told him that mothering was another subject we could not talk about in text as it led to trouble. No he does not have kids, which is part of what makes him so attractive, he's not doubly minded or compromised, he can fully devote himself to my daughter without having to divide his attention among his own kids.

[Sunfl0wer]

What if you simply replied in a way to use it as an opportunity to reinforce your boundary?

Such as:  You know, I apologize for bringing up the topic of escrow, I shouldn't have worried about that until you have settled the issue of your marriage.  We're better off crossing that bridge when we get to it.

Or something way better.

(It's late... .my words are rusty)

[unicorn2014]

What if you simply replied in a way to use it as an opportunity to reinforce your boundary?

Such as:  You know, I apologize for bringing up the topic of escrow, I shouldn't have worried about that until you have settled the issue of your marriage.  We're better off crossing that bridge when we get to it.

Or something way better.

(It's late... .my words are rusty)

That is perfect SunFlower because those are the conditions of  my  boundary, he stays there while he straightens out his divorce and I don't make demands or accusations. I actually can pretty much quote you verbatim, its perfect!

[OnceConfused]

You mentioned DBT binder you had. Does this mean either you or he has gone through DBT ?

If yes, what did you walk away with?

What kind of implementation or plan did you devise and execute?

What so different between the time with DBT and now? Is the situation the same, little or much better?

[unicorn2014]

You mentioned DBT binder you had. Does this mean either you or he has gone through DBT ?

If yes, what did you walk away with?

What kind of implementation or plan did you devise and execute?

What so different between the time with DBT and now? Is the situation the same, little or much better?

I have gone through dbt at least 3 times and I'm preparing to go through it a 4th. It sounds to me like you're not familiar with dbt. It's not about making a plan. Right now my social worker is having me focus on doing something pleasurable every day. I'm under a lot of stress, perhaps more so then I've ever been, and I need more help learning to tolerate it.