I finally feel like a Father now

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello everyone, I have not been on this site for awhile and I have been dealing with my situation the best I possibly can.  I finally after a year started having a relationship with my daughter and this is because we have a new judge in the courts who seen the dilemma I was facing and even felt sorry for me for only seeing my daughter 82 hrs in a year.  I have been doing my part on being a good father and I provide support, pay insurance and all I asked of my ex was to be able to see my daughter.  She has held a grudge on me from the get go and used the pregnancy as a means of control which eventually got us in the courts and costing us thousands of needless dollars.  I try to rationalize with all of this but just can't understand how a Mother would want to keep a father out of his daughters life?   The court system is pathetic and allowed this to continue on for a year which in turn only hurt my child as I was not involved in her life and destroyed both of us financially.  I want to move on from this and find a nice woman to settle down with ad or just be happy and appreciated by.  I appreciate you all on here and thank every single one of you for your thoughts and concerns.


Jim

[ynguns2]

Hello everyone, I have not been on this site for awhile and I have been dealing with my situation the best I possibly can.  I finally after a year started having a relationship with my daughter and this is because we have a new judge in the courts who seen the dilemma I was facing and even felt sorry for me for only seeing my daughter 82 hrs in a year.  I have been doing my part on being a good father and I provide support, pay insurance and all I asked of my ex was to be able to see my daughter.  She has held a grudge on me from the get go and used the pregnancy as a means of control which eventually got us in the courts and costing us thousands of needless dollars.  I try to rationalize with all of this but just can't understand how a Mother would want to keep a father out of his daughters life?   The court system is pathetic and allowed this to continue on for a year which in turn only hurt my child as I was not involved in her life and destroyed both of us financially.  I want to move on from this and find a nice woman to settle down with ad or just be happy and appreciated by.  I appreciate you all on here and thank every single one of you for your thoughts and concerns.


Jim

[whirlpoollife]

ynguns2, glad to  hear from you. I have followed your posts from the beginning.  It's terrible that a normal dad , like yourself, has to fight to see his child when someone like my xnpdh was given so much time with kids.    I am glad for a judge that hears what you have to say and sees what you do. Keep hanging in there.

[momtara]

Ugh, sorry that that all happened. I know it takes a while to recover from the dysfunction of such a situation, having courts decide your life, throwing away money, etc. I had to ask myself this year, "What would I do if money was no object?" Once I stopped thinking about how much I was wasting (I had good credit and yes ran up thousands on credit cards) I got to a place where I felt much better about what I was doing and felt I was doing the right thing for my kids. So yes, you probably wasted needless thousands, but try to revel in what's going to happen in the future. If your daughter is very young, honestly you may have just missed a lot of hard times and she probably won't remember that you weren't there. My child was in day care so much the first year of life that I think he only bonded with me when I had my second child and was home more. (I'm a mom and it's different, but... .) So even though it was a year, you have plenty of time to enjoy. I haven't followed most of your posts but am glad to see things are getting better. YOu probably will meet a nice woman too, maybe someone who has kids or maybe someone who wants more - don't pressure anyone, just take it easy and be careful and cautiously optimistic and good luck with your daughter!

[ForeverDad]

This is great news!  But it's a start, not the end game.  It can and should get better, much better.  I recall an old saying, "Strike while the iron is hot."  So don't sit back too long before getting increased time.  Are you scheduled to return to court for more changes?

There is no reason you can't become, at the least, a 'standard' alternate weekend father.  I'd recommend you think ahead and seek equal time.  It's unlikely to happen now, if ever, but you need to establish that you want, and should be, a very involved parent and seeking equal time is crucial to demonstrate that and to counteract the past and likely future obstructions.

Here's my logic, by example.  If you ask for alternate weekends and overnight in between (about 22%) and mother continues schreeching for nearly all time (99%), judge might figure something in between would be an improvement, both parents would "lose" what they seek but not letting either parent "win" either.  So picture if you seek 50% and she still wants to revert to 99%.  You're being somewhat reasonable but she's still unreasonable.  Maybe the judge will, ponder, what's wrong with giving this father at least something in between that actually isn't out of the ordinary.  That's why there's nothing wrong and probably something to be gained by seeking More than you Fear you'll Get.

My guess is that you didn't get standard time?  (In my county the published guideline - not that it is enforceable - lists a child under 3 years old gets alternate weekend overnight(s) and 2 to 3 day visits in between.  For older children the guideline lsits longer alternate weekends and one overnight in between.)  If at all possible, get a Schedule to move up to more time.  Going to court over and over to get more and more time is impractical, expensive and will be obstructed every step of the way.  If you can get the judge to say, "The child is only a year old but father currently has negligible, below normal parenting time with his child and he should have increasing time.  I will set a schedule where every 3 months father will get added time.  It will be as follows... ."  Other fathers here have gotten orders like this so they wouldn't have to wait for the next court order.

She will fight tooth and nail to object to overnights.  I'm guessing she will claim breastfeeding nixes overnights, among other claims.  However if she's working as a schoolteacher then she likely is regularly away from her child for 8 or more hours many times each week.  If she can do that during the day then she can do it for overnights.  Also, over the years millions of mothers have expressed their milk and refrigerated or frozen it for later use when away from their children.  If millions can do it then she can too, despite her predictable histrionics.

[ynguns2]

Hi sorry for the long delay but I have been battling a cold and had two big fires last week.  I am seeking the " standard visitation" and asking for joint custody and see no reason why I would not get both as the judge applauded me for fighting so hard and not abandoning my daughter.  Even my ex has been a lot nicer and even told me that I am a very caring father the other day.  I was in shock throughout the pregnancy and felt in my heart that something was going to happen between us when her mother got too involved and look at us now " in court and spent thousands of dollars " for basically nothing that we could not handle on our own.  I really think the justice in America needs a revamp and not allow a case to continue on when it clearly is not in the best interests of the child.  I am not a criminal and have no record whatsover and also I am a Firefighter who loves helping others and I would never hurt my daughter or her family ever. 

[momtara]

Sounds like you have a good heart. Keep fighting the good fight. Gosh it must be awful.