Grandmother has court-ordered custody of grandson

[NaNa52]

My adult daughter has not been officially diagnosed with BPD, however, everything I read describes her perfectly.  She has emotionally abused my 13-year-old grandson, and now I have custody of him, but I don't know how to help him.  He blames me that he is no longer living with his abusive mother, and denies that his mother ever abused him. 

I don't know if I should remind him of all the things she has done to him.  He throws things at me and says it's okay cause his mother threw things at him.  He is going to counseling, but it has not done any good thus far. 

He is very angry, says he hates me, says everything is my fault.  He and I used to have a great grandmother/grandson relationship.  His counselor is concerned about my safety as he is so angry.  I fear if he does anything, he will have to go to foster care.  He says I hate him.

How do I convince him that I love him very much and want the best for him.  How do I convince him that I am not at fault, and because of his mother's bad choices, he is now living with me for his safety?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, NaNa52 &

I'm so sorry for all of the troubles you are having with your grandson (and, I guess, by extension, your daughter), and really feel for your situation. It's got to be really tough to love him so much, but to have to deal with his anger and figure out how to protect yourself. You are a wonderful grandmother to want to learn how to deal with all of this... .

There are many other grandparents who have custody of their grandchildren on this site who will know exactly what you are going through, and who will be able to give you the benefit of their experience and advice. You have found the right place! Believe me, you are not alone, NaNa52, and there really is hope for things getting better 

[Panda39]

Hi NaNa52,

I want to join Rapt Reader and welcome you too 

My home board is the co-parenting board https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=9.0 and when I read your post I thought some of the lessons on that board might be helpful for you to read.  In some ways you cross paths with both the Parenting and Co-Parenting boards.

I think posting here makes the most sense but I want to invite you to click on the link I've provided once on the co-parenting board there is a box with links in it that I encourage you to check out.  You also have material on this board in the box to the right that can help in your situation as well -------->

What you are doing by taking on your grandson is an awesome, wonderful, and difficult thing.  We are all here to support you, encourage you, provide information, provide ideas and just listen.  I'm so glad you've found us and encourage you to check out the sight and read whatever resonates with you... .in other words jump right on in 

Take Care,

Panda39