Question

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 17yr old D who has BPD thinks that she's a really bad person. Is this common?

[JustAMum]

My 17yr old D who has BPD thinks that she's a really bad person. Is this common?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Butterflygirl]

In my opinion, most mental illness is rooted  in shame. As a child we feel like we are the center of the universe, so we blame ourselves for everything. For instance if mom is sad children blame themselves and sometimes they think they are bad. I call this "mom sad; me bad."

I love psychodynamic therapy because it takes me back to my childhood and gives me a chance to re-examine whether I am good or bad. Of course all children are good in my opinion. As an adult I am a work in progress.

[lbjnltx]

Yes, it's common.  Our kids usually have a negative opinion about themselves, and as Butterfly Girl mentioned it is rooted in shame.

When my d does this (talks bad about herself in absolute terms) I try to validate the feeling and give perspective to the situation.

Sometimes she forgets to bring something with her that she needs.  She begins to make statements like "I'm just stupid, I can't do anything right".

I validate her feelings "I can understand that you are disappointed in yourself for forgetting to bring ____. We all forget things sometimes.  Remember how Dad used to leave for work and come back twice before he finally got on the road?"  I usually get a short response like "yeah" or "I guess I come by it naturally" which I can also validate.

Our kids can use some help experiencing their emotions without judgment.  Validation can help them do that, once they are validated their emotions sometimes become more manageable for them and their logic/reason mind can have a chance to work.

lbj

[mimi99]

Before we knew what was wrong with our BPDd24, I was puzzled by how hard she was on herself as a child. If she would drop a plate, she would scream about how stupid and clumsy she was, and how she could never do anything right. I didn't understand this, as our reaction was never angry, scolding or shaming. As we have gotten more understanding of the disorder we I have realized that her reactions are almost always over-the-top and out of proportion. She feels either self-righteous, since we are all horrible people--the worst parents ever-- or like a piece of crap who can never do anything right.

These mood swings seem to be fairly typical for a BPD. In fact, before she was diagnosed with BPD the therapist thought she might be bi-polar. I guess the combination of behaviors is why a combination of behavioral therapy and medications seem to work well for a lot of BPDs.

lbj gives some examples of validation. I have been working on this skill lately and it does seem to be well-received by my daughter.