Building a relationship with our teens

[lbjnltx]

It is said that if we want our kids (disordered or not) to talk to us about the big stuff they first need to talk to us about the little stuff... .hmmm.  I don't know who first said this and it has been true in my relationship with my daughter.  So often we were at odds with each other, the tense silence in the aftermath of an interaction that didn't go well, the silence with my mind working to regain balance... .who knows what was going on in hers.

The tension grew, communication about most anything was terse, oppositional, or one way. 

How does a parent start to rebuild, where are the opportunities that we are missing?  Is there still hope for our relationships with our teens that lock away their hidden thoughts and only spew out their pain as anger or hopelessness?

I was reading an article recently about how to open that door back up and recognized where I had success with my child using this advice:

Engage one on one in an activity our kids enjoy. (no siblings, no friends)

Each agree to turn off our phones.

Zip your lip and the uncomfortable silence may spur our child to speak.

Listen more and talk less, ask a short question to show we are listening, interested, invested, and want to know/understand more.

The point is to create an atmosphere where our kids feel safe sharing their thoughts about a safe subject which can build trust.  When there is trust between us our kids may share the big stuff too. This isn't a once and done, it is an ongoing effort that can heal and grow our relationships.

Our kids can be slow to trust us.  My daughter often asked me to "give up" on her.  The answer was consistently and without hesitation "I will never give up on you, ever."  There were many times that a planned activity didn't happen and more often than not she wanted to invite a friend.  Sometimes we had a 3rd party and sometimes we didn't.  I was usually more successful in engaging her in the one on one in the spur of the moment.

How long has it been since you and your teen had a date for fun and trust building? 

That's too long!

lbj

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[infiniteeyes]

Wow! My dd has often asked me to do the exact same thing.

"My life would be so much easier if you would just stop caring"

"WhY cant you just give up on me like any other mother would have done"

I took part in a programme a couple of years ago, called "strengthening familes" My DD also took part.

It was very helpful and a lot of the things we were taught are the things you have mentioned in your post.

Turning off the tv, having weekly conferences, doing activites one on one.

Throughout all of the turmoil my DD has been through and put me through, we have somehow always maintained a strong bond. This has been noticed by all of the professionals involved with us who tell us the love between us in palpable, even through our most difficult times.

There have been times where we have baked muffins, went for icecream,  many many moments to remember and treasure even in the face of adversity. Those are the moments that keep us going 

[mimi99]

What a great post!

My d24 no longer lives with us, and we are LC right now, but I do remember when she was a teen in DBT. We loved to watch "Project Runway" together and talk about the contestants, the designs and who we thought should win. This was a weekly activity we could do together with no conflict or problems. It really helped us to enjoy each others company--even for a little while.

When I take my gd5 for visits with her mom, we keep them short out of necessity. I make an effort to avoid invalidating my d and as a result we have an hour or two of not-too-bad time together.

Thanks so much for posting this.

[qcarolr]

Engage one on one in an activity our kids enjoy. (no siblings, no friends)

Each agree to turn off our phones.

Zip your lip and the uncomfortable silence may spur our child to speak.

Listen more and talk less, ask a short question to show we are listening, interested, invested, and want to know/understand more.

When DD29 was a senior the first time (she tried 3 years in a row before dropping out) she got her license and drove to school. Each Wednesday she was done early and we met for lunch at a favorite oriental restaurant for scallion pancakes and wonton soup. We both have good memories of those lunches. DD still asks to go and I need to make a point to do this with her THIS WEEK!

I am not sure how it was able to happen -- all of the above were in practice during these lunches. She talked about her relationships and friend events (good and not so good), I listened and asked questions. No advice given. It was refreshing. After thinking all afternoon about things she shared, I sometimes messed it up with the advice giving in the evening.

I also remember times when she was young and broke a boundary on where she was limited to wander in the neighborhood. One time she came home with horse hair all over her. I asked her to tell me about how this came to be on her. She happily shared about going across the railroad tracks (off limits to cross) and into the field to pet the big draft horses (she loved horses). I just listened and asked questions, agreeing that it was fun. We talked about the dangers and the boundaries she violated in a gentle way. Again - thinking all afternoon led to consequences in the evening in not so gentle a way. Hmmmm - maybe this one is OK unless I totally flipped out on her. I did lots of that when my bipolar was not well managed (ie. thinking I did not need to take my meds which never worked out very well).

Now I am raising my gd10. She has always lived with us and we have been primary caregivers since she was 9 months old -- gained custody at age 18 months -- her parents have consented to our petition to adopt her now. So I get to practice all that I am learning here, in her T sessions over past 5 years, in lots of reading and sharing here and in other supportive relationships... . The best side-effect of parenting gd is how this improved my relationship with DD29 over the past few years. DD never gave up on me -- always asking me to rescue her. I no longer give up on her -- am now able to listen, ask questions, respond to boundary issues in the midst of being an advocate with her. I am also sincerely able to let her know in many ways that my love for her is unconditional -- there is nothing she can do to separate this love from her. The few boundaries are REAL and will be enforced.

Hope my reply has not wandered too far from the topic. We are all growing up together in my household - at least for now.

qcr

[enlighten me]

I think one of the pitfalls with kids is boundaries. Children need boundaries to push up against. It can give them comfort to have them. The problem when dealing with anyone whether it is a child or a SO (BPD or non) is that boundaries can inflame things at first so it can be very easy to cave on them. After a while though if the boundaries are held then things can settle down.

[lbjnltx]

We see that it can be easy to get off track when an opportunity to "teach" comes up... .resist and stay focused on enjoying the interaction with our child.  Creating positive memories and staying connected will create the possibility for other "teaching moments" that can include boundary setting.