Seeing more and more imbalance...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We've been reconciled now for about 9 months, but I keep remembering things he told me while we were separated. He wasn't invested right then, so I feel I got quite a few "truths" from him. One of them is that he said he resented having to tell me he loves me, and that any time I say it to him, he resents "having" to say it back.  

Well, due to that, I wait for him to say it first, and now he's having issue with that. I do sometimes tell him first, but it's nowhere near what it was before(because I don't want him to feel he has to say it back).

The imbalance comes into play because he never resents telling his super dysfunctional, mean, adult kids how much he loves them. In fact, he's so enmeshed, and it sound like he's  always tripping over himself to tell them "he loves them". I don't understand why he's so different with me? Why does he resent telling me he loves me, but he can't say it often enough to them? I get that he's totally enmeshed with them, beyond what is probably healthy, and that parents love their kids, but this just seems like it goes beyond that?

I feel like he's not really married to me, but he's married to them. They get the good, I get the bad. They get his devotion, his rapt attention, his outpourings of love and affirmation, while I sit and wonder why he keeps giving to those who don't appreciate it. I'd love for him to love me with that intensity, but I don't think it'll ever happen. Now, I know parental love, and romantic love are different, but there is the rub. I feel he loves his kids in an almost romantic way, just minus the sexual dynamic. It's just weird, and I'm not sure if this is BPD, or just a total lack of boundaries(common in BPD or codependent relationships)?

I've tried to talk to him about this, and why it makes me feel badly, but he's just super defensive. I guess it's just another gross double standard and imbalance I'm going to have to learn to deal with, but it sure does stink.

I never get used to him treating others better, far better than he treats me. How does one get used to that?  

[Ceruleanblue]

We've been reconciled now for about 9 months, but I keep remembering things he told me while we were separated. He wasn't invested right then, so I feel I got quite a few "truths" from him. One of them is that he said he resented having to tell me he loves me, and that any time I say it to him, he resents "having" to say it back.  

Well, due to that, I wait for him to say it first, and now he's having issue with that. I do sometimes tell him first, but it's nowhere near what it was before(because I don't want him to feel he has to say it back).

The imbalance comes into play because he never resents telling his super dysfunctional, mean, adult kids how much he loves them. In fact, he's so enmeshed, and it sound like he's  always tripping over himself to tell them "he loves them". I don't understand why he's so different with me? Why does he resent telling me he loves me, but he can't say it often enough to them? I get that he's totally enmeshed with them, beyond what is probably healthy, and that parents love their kids, but this just seems like it goes beyond that?

I feel like he's not really married to me, but he's married to them. They get the good, I get the bad. They get his devotion, his rapt attention, his outpourings of love and affirmation, while I sit and wonder why he keeps giving to those who don't appreciate it. I'd love for him to love me with that intensity, but I don't think it'll ever happen. Now, I know parental love, and romantic love are different, but there is the rub. I feel he loves his kids in an almost romantic way, just minus the sexual dynamic. It's just weird, and I'm not sure if this is BPD, or just a total lack of boundaries(common in BPD or codependent relationships)?

I've tried to talk to him about this, and why it makes me feel badly, but he's just super defensive. I guess it's just another gross double standard and imbalance I'm going to have to learn to deal with, but it sure does stink.

I never get used to him treating others better, far better than he treats me. How does one get used to that?  

[mitti]

I don't understand why he's so different with me? Why does he resent telling me he loves me, but he can't say it often enough to them?

I think he has difficulty saying it to you because there's is a risk of abandonment with you that he doesn't experience with his kids. And also the love you have for your children is different from how we love a partner, but I think ultimately it is because telling you he loves you triggers his abandonment fears.

[OnceConfused]

After my 1st wife's death, I had time to ponder on our r.s and some of the discord, I found myself not saying , "I love you" enough time, and not doing things to affirm our r.s. I have regretted my actions or lack thereof eversince. I now practice more of those affirmations to my 2nd spouse and it has worked super well.

I recommend to you buy this $10 book, THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Dr Gary Chapman. It speaks so much to your love language, AFFIRMATION. In order to keep your love rs going your H needs and must learn of your love language and then give it to you. Otherwise, the rs will run dry like not putting the right kind of gas in your cars.

ver get used to him treating others better, far better than he treats me. How does one get used to that?

You probably can get used to the fact that he seems to treat others better you, but that is not the right kind of r.s you want. To say "i Love you " does not cost anything more or to show affirmation does not take more efforts. But should you take that road or why should you be married to someone who does not affirm you. One day, as Leo Tolstoy's characters said on his deathbed, "I wonder if I had been wrong all my life.". You don't want to be like that.

Also another big hurdle is To change his behaviors, there must be some big jolt to his equilibrium and some big consequences if he does not change. Are you willing to take that approach?  Are you willing to stand up for what you want or are you accepting the status quo?

You can use that book with him as a way to establish an understanding of each other's love languages. What are his love languages and what are yours? Make sure one knows the other's love languages and is willing to give it, even if the other's love language does not match with one own's.

Tell him what you need. Implore him that what you need.

You have to stand up for what you want

[Ceruleanblue]

Ah, yes, The Five Love Languages. Our copy is currently within five feet of me. Both BPDH and I are very familiar with it. THIS is why I'm so upset to be in this current situation. When I met BPDh, he was reading that book on the advice of his therapist. As we dated, we talked about it, and I told him what my love languages are: Words of Affimation, and small gifts(seriously, Tic Tac candies make me happy, and show me he's thinking of me). Well, I try hard to keep his love tank full, and am a giver, so this isn't hard for ME.

For BPDh though, I think it makes him feel "controlled". So many, many things make him feel controlled. Me asking for help(I've learned not to ask), or asking for him to meet any needs of mine, make him feel controlled. I think that is part of why he doesn't like to say "I love you" in response to me when I tell him.

We've been married nearly four years, and everything we talked about during dating, everything we agreed upon, got thrown out the window by him, shortly after we married. My T says it seems to be a case of "bait and switch", and while I agree, I'm not sure he did it deliberately, but I'm also not sure he didn't. 

I don't think I'll ever understand his over enmeshment with his kids, or the overly intense way he loves them. I love my kids too, but so many of my needs are not attached to them, and that is what feels odd to me with BPDh. It's like all his wants, and needs are still tied up with them, and they are now ADULTS. They wield the power he hands over to them, and they use it to hurt and control him(funny how he fears me having ANY say, he fears it's "control", but he has zero issue with letting his kids control him). This issue with his kids caused huge issues in his last marriage too, and his ex is mother to all four kids, so this didn't just start with me. She felt ignored by him, I think, and she displayed jealousy of how he interacted and was so over involved with the kids.

I want this to no longer bother me, but having to watch it day in, and day out, it does eat at me to some degree. It could be that saying "I love you" triggers his fear of abandonment, but it's hard to even see that he has fear of abandonment. I think he's more in the camp of leaving me before I can leave him. He's already painted me black once, put all blame on me, and walked away. Right back to his kids, who want him to leave me, I must say. He leaves me, he gets THEM back. His kids are even refusing to let him see his grandkids, and he can't figure out why, his family can't figure out why, but I KNOW WHY. It's them trying to get him to leave me again. It worked last time, and they think it will work again. Sick, just sick.

He won't change, and I know I can only change me. I just feel I don't want to get to a place where this doesn't hurt though, because then I'd be accepting what is clearly not comfortable or okay with me. I feel I deserve to be treated as nicely as he treats others, and I deserve the same devotion too. This isn't a deal breaker for me, but I do need to figure out how to stop letting it bother me to this degree, and we need to figure this out. Meeting his needs, while mine go totally ignored, is just not feeling healthy to me.

[OnceConfused]

It looks to me like you and your H have all the TOOLS (like the 5 love languages ) at hands but you both  are not using or applying them. People who read thousands of books become librarians or bookworms,  but those who read only hundreds but apply them, will become engineers, doctors, presidents, leaders, inventors, or CEOs. A journey of a thousand miles begins only with the FIRST STEP.

Furthermore, I am afraid that if your H does not feed your love engine then sooner or later your love engine will run dry, making the demise of your marriage INEVITABLE. You wrote that  he cannot change and thus you are the only one that can change. May I ask "CHANGE TO WHAT ?".  Change to live in misery, change to be in resentment every day of your married life, change to "meeting his need while ignoring yours" ?.

Certainly, that might be healthy life but not a happy life. Well, many and many people have led that kind of life because of one reason or the other, like the financial support, the fear of the unknown, the backlash from society or religion for nullified marriage ... .They have learned to find happiness in doing something else and stay married for the label. I certainly have seen these cases in my life. Now, in modern times, we have more freedom in terms of choosing our mates, being more financial independence.

Statistics show that the high percentage of 2nd or 3rd marriage failures are due to children from previous marriage. You might want to check several books out there to see how to handle the pitfalls with step familes, one book I read was from Elizabeth Enstein called the step family. Her comments opened my eyes so much more about human and children dynamics. It is really a mine field out there.

I believe that if you believe in the model by the Five Love Languages, and the potential consequence of the demise of your marriage due to the lack of emotional love, then you have to step up and might be suggest you both engage in some kind of marital counseling where an impartial person can RE-INTRODUCE or bring some clarity into the situation now.

Your H has to understand the difference between parental love & responsibility versus emotional love & responsibility. He cannot take you for granted. I guess you have to let him know while it is ok for him to continue loving his children but he has some obligations in showing his love to you as well. If he cannot fulfill that marital obligations to you, then ask him why he married you in the first place? . You have to get him into some serious discussions , I mean serious. Again, don't be like Tolstoy's character lamented on his death bed ,"I wonder if I had been wrong all my life".

The issue will be more complicated if we throw in the mix , BPD behaviors, which I don't really know about. So you have more issues to be concerned.

Good luck.

[flourdust]

I've noticed that in a lot of your posts, you seem to focus on comparing his relationship with his kids and his relationship with you. What happens if you accept that his relationship with his kids is his own business and let it be? If it's not a contest, and you instead are just looking at how he treats you (not in comparison to how he treats anyone else), what positive changes would you want?

[Ceruleanblue]

I have "let it be" for the most part, as three of his four kids, refuse to have anything to do with me(and no, I didn't "do" anything to earn that). We both have our own relationships with our own kids, but I don't know if I'll ever get used to watching others get what I need and desire from him. Heck, he even gives MY daughter the devotion, and weird adoration he gives him own kids, so I live in a house having to SEE how differently I'm treated. I'm super happy for my daughter, as she's needed a father figure, but at the age of 19, it does have a "creep" factor to it.

I'd love to be doted on, paid attention to, given the benefit of the doubt, and not have to deal with all his BPD behaviors, but I do! I mean, his kids, and MY one kid he favors, don't really get the BPD behaviors aimed at them. He seems to save most of that crap for me.

If he treated pretty much everyone the same, it still would stink, but I wouldn't feel targeted, and I'd just be able to say "well, he treats everyone this way". As it is, I can't do that. I get to see him be kind and doting to everyone else he deals with, yet I don't feel I'm treated as a partner nor wife.

He does go see his daughter alone, and I'm left out, but this just makes me feel even more hurt. We've been playing by HER rules for well over a year now, so leaving his kids to him, really doesn't work for me. I wanted us all to get along, but there is so much dysfunction with these individuals, it just doesn't seem to be going to happen. BPDh isn't even allowed around his grandkids at this point, so it's not like things are all hunky dory in that department either. He's admitted(finally), that his kids have huge issue, and that using the grandkids as pawns is majorly unhealthy and unfair to him.

I was doing somewhat better for a while, sort of stuffing the resentment of having to see him treat others so much better, but BPDh's brother out of the blue told me that BPDh treated his crazy ex way better than he treats ME, and that I need to get stronger and stand up to BPDh. He said that is was "sickening"(his words) how BPDh kissed her butt, and that the whole family didn't understand that, and they really don't understand why BPDh treats me so badly when I try so hard to please him.

I don't know. I want my marriage to work, but constantly being the brunt of his BPD behaviors, while seeing him treat others in a "normal" manner, just really is doing damage.

[Ceruleanblue]

Oh, and I agree it shouldn't be a contest, but it's just hard to watch others getting what I'd love to get from him. What I used to get from him, prior to marriage!

I'd like a more equal partnership with love and respect. I'd like him to be kind to me, and patient. I feel like I'm wanting a whole lot of things he can't/won't give due to his BPD/NPD, and that just stinks. If I didn't have to see him constantly giving what I want to my daughter, this would go down much easier.

There are three of us in this house, BPDh, me, and MY daughter(19), and yet I feel she gets the kind treatment and preferential treatment that I, as his wife, should get. I've even become somewhat acclimated to how "weird" he is with my daughter, but it still bothers me. I know there is no hanky panky going on, but my daughter does manipulate BPDh's doting on her. She knows she can get him to do whatever she wants. It's just beyond weird, and it's hard knowing that BPDh prefers her over me. He tries to hide it, but it's true. He just glows in her presence, and I feel he thinks I'm "too adult" for him. He may be 48, but he seems to have more in common with a 19 year old.

I feel I have every right to get the same treatment that he gives others. If I'd have had any inkling that I'd be playing third wheel, or always be last priority, I'd have never married him. Ever. I do not deserve this, and he had a lot of these same issues in his last marriage, apparently.

I just want a happy, healthy marriage, but how do I do that with all the BPD behaviors(which are actually almost easier than this weird enmeshment he has), and always knowing I just don't matter as much as others do to him?

I've tried not caring, but it always comes back, this feeling of hurt and resentment, because it's in my face daily.