Help BPDh in jail. First time.

[tm006f]

Last night he was being verbally abusive. I told him if he didn't stop I would leave the house. He didn't stop. I walked out with the baby. He followed me out of the house saying he wouldn't let me leave with the car keys. He grabbed me.

I told him to leave me alone or I would call the police. He dared me to call them so I did.

They came. I thought they would just talk to him but instead they arrested him.

I'm at the detention center now waiting to bail him out.

I don't know what to do next.

He knows he messed up. He obviously had time to cool down.

I have never been involved with the police. I can't believe this is my life.

Advice appreciated.

I didn't mean to do this as a poll. I'm at the detention center on my cell phone.

[flourdust]

You can do this. One thing at a time. Keep yourself and your baby safe.

When the police were called on us, we were told to spend some time apart. Can you sleep in separate bedrooms, or can he stay with a friend for some time? Something to provide some physical distance while you figure out what to do next.

[babyducks]

Hi tm,

I'm glad you and your baby are safe.   The thing to concentrate on is that you and your child stay safe.   

Can you say a little more about bailing him out?   This is a complicated situation and I am concerned that he could return to the family home and continue to act abusively.

Laws vary from location to location, depending on what he was charged with the authorities can implement a temporary restraining order to allow for a cooling off period.

Please take care of yourself first and foremost.    Right now everything else is a secondary consideration other than your health, safety and well being.

'ducks

[livednlearned]

Hi tm006f,

I'm glad you're safe. Do you need to be there at the detention center or can you return home so you and the baby can get grounded?

It sounds like you do not plan to press charges?

In some states, it is mandatory that arrest goes forward. Like babyducks says, laws vary by state. DV centers will be able to tell you how things work. They are accustomed to having women there who are torn between staying safe and simultaneously protecting their abuser. You won't be the first who is conflicted about the situation you're in, and they will understand.

I learned that the expertise of DV shelters can vary, so if you feel that you're dealing with someone who is not on the same page, ask if you can talk to someone else. At the very least, you need someone that you trust and can connect to. They should be able to explain your options and give you an idea about how the local county courts work.

Also, just a word of caution. Be very focused on the well-being of your child. If the system thinks you are not protecting your baby, or putting your baby in harm's way, that's a whole other headache that can easily flood you right now. Sometimes, in DV situations, we want our partner to stop -- we don't necessarily want them to suffer. When there is a baby involved, it's important that you do what's best to keep your child safe, and you did exactly that. Keep that piece in mind anytime you talk to law enforcement or DV or anyone connected to the incident.

[tm006f]

Just picked up BPDh from detention center. We are in California. He was charged with battery. His court date is not until February 1st.

He feels very remorseful right now and has definitely cooled off since last night.

I'm trying to take one step at a time.

We are about to go see a lawyer for him.

I told him my priority is the baby and I'm not going to let the baby be put in danger even if it's "just" him being verbally abusive and I'm not going to risk losing the baby because I stayed with someone who is abusive.

I want to believe this will be a wake up call and he'll go on medication and really commit to changing but I also know it's more realistic that he won't change.

The timing blows. Baby's first birthday party is tomorrow and Wednesday I'm supposed to fly to Mexico for the holidays with his family. He is Mexican. My mom is supposed to come for a few days. We've been married 12 years and our parents have never met so it's a big deal.

I'm thinking of maybe sleeping separately, at a friend's or something, until we leave for Mexico and then telling my husband I'm going to stay with my family on the East coast for a while. If he pushes back I'll tell him if he doesn't give me permission, I'll have to get a restraining order and ask for full custody. I think that would scare him because he doesn't want any government involvement in anything and he knows it will look bad because he has this charge pending against him. I think if he has some time alone he can focus on himself and what he needs to do. Not sure if it's worthwhile since he has little understanding of his problems but I'm trying to keep hope.

[HopefulDad]

As one of the posters who suggested calling the police on him in your other thread, I just want to say:

- You did the right thing.  Boundaries are useless if you don't enforce them and you did.

- Boundaries are primarily for behavior-related transgressions.  Him thinking he's in the right to prohibit you from leaving and him actually following through on that are two different things.  You addressed his behavior of following through... .and must do so again should he show that behavior in the future.

- Make no mistake... .his preventing you from leaving is 100% wrong.  He may try to turn this around and pin this on you ("You just *had* to get the police involved and eff up our lives, didn't you?".  Don't get sucked into the FOG.  He's full of feces if he tries.

- Any real steps by him changing his thought process on why he would even consider doing that in the future will have to come from him.  Therapy may help, but he has to want to let it help.  All you can really do is focus on behavior and what you're willing to tolerate.

- I'm sorry to hear that the timing couldn't be worse, but hopefully there is a silver lining.  Maybe this will scare him straight from such behavior in the future.

- Please don't let fear of the unknown as it pertains what's coming court-wise for him deter you from enforcing this boundary in the future.

[Suzn]

Hello tm006f

So glad to hear your H has calmed down and you are feeling better.  

telling my husband I'm going to stay with my family on the East coast for a while. If he pushes back I'll tell him if he doesn't give me permission, I'll have to get a restraining order and ask for full custody.

I would encourage you to speak with an attorney about your plans to leave the state (going to the east coast with family) for an extended period of time with your child. Since you are married there could be some legal ramifications in regards to custody if he chose to pursue them. It doesn't sound like he's in a good place legally since he has been arrested however he hasn't been convicted yet. Going solely on what a therapist says isn't in your best interest when it comes to legal matters in regards to custody. Don't chance it without speaking to an attorney so you know everything you need to know about traveling with your child for extended periods.

Some attorneys will give free consultations. A domestic violence counselor in your state may have some good advice here too. If you are staying with friends for a few days it sounds like you may have some alone time to check this out so that you are well informed. Take care of you.  

[Turkish]

Hi tm006f,

I'd like to confirm that what Suzn said about your responsibility to keep your baby safe is indeed how the authorities may view it. I have experience with this. If CPS (or the equivalent agency where you are) gets involved, you will also face scrutiny, even though you were the victim. Getting a Lawer consult, preferably one who specializes in DV, can help.

Regarding custody vis-a-vis traveling out of state, it's likely that you both have equal parental rights. Still, it would be good to get a consult with a local lawyer. You may be able to get simple answers by asking a question on www.avvo.com, as well as researching attorneys. Equal custody means he can take the baby and it might be tough proving "flight."

Regarding the trip to Mexico this week, does his family know? How is your r/s with them? I'm a little worried that you are going out of the country alone with them if they know. If he has dual citizenship (or has a GC, or no papers), you may be in not so good a position. I never married the mother of my children, but she and my ex-laws are all from Mexico, so I know a bit about the culture. Though it's slowly getting better, DV can be implicitly sanctioned by being denied and hidden, as is other types of abuse. Challenging the Head of the family (the man) isn't done, which is why it tends to be hidden. La Familia being intact (to outsiders) can supercede protecting the individuals. I never really believed these things my Ex told me, until I experienced them.

I am still loathe to accept these things, but it is very much an Old World patriarchical mentality. Not every family is like this in a dysfunctional way (and many are from whatever origin), but there is a cultural component which may be at play here. I'm just asking you to consider these things.

There's so much going on here, and despite it all, you've handled it admirably. Please keep us updated  

Turkish

[formflier]

   I told him my priority is the baby and I'm not going to let the baby be put in danger even if it's "just" him being verbally abusive and I'm not going to risk losing the baby because I stayed with someone who is abusive.  

     This is a value statement that you can build your life and boundaries around.    I want to join the others in encouraging you to view your situation through the eyes of a court or social services "system" that is asking the question.   Did she care more about her baby or her hubby?    You need your own L (for at least a consultation) that is in your corner.  Please don't let hubby know about this.  You need to know about any ramifications for extended travel and your husbands charge.    Sorry you are having to deal with this.  Be strong!      

FF

[tm006f]

formflier, I have a friend who referred me to a Family Law lawyer who gave me some free consultations.  Most importantly, she told me that I am allowed to leave the state with our baby, as long as I tell my husband where we are going and why.  She said that if I were going to do this, it would have been best to do so right after the arrest, so that my actions would be clearly linked to the documented incident that led to his arrest.

For now, my husband and I are trying to work things out. 

Being arrested seems to have been a major wake up call.

He has started medication (which was previously unthinkable), has enrolled in anger management classes (starting in January) and has agreed to see his therapist twice a week (rather than sporadically).  He has also agreed to do whatever else I tell him to do in terms of treatment (e.g. see a psychiatrist--the medication was prescribed by our primary care doc, see a couples therapist, go to a support group).

His behavior and attitude has also really changed. 

He knows I told my family everything.  He wrote them all an apology and said he wants to be a "better husband and father".

I told him that I am no longer going to keep his bad behavior secret, which is a major motivator for him, since keeping up his image is HUGE for him.

It has only been a couple of weeks, so I am trying to stay grounded and realistic.  I know it's unlikely that long-term he is going to be able to continue keeping himself together this way and not backslide.  On the other hand, I'm also trying to give it my all and support him as he is making an effort.  As long as he is making an effort and not going back to abusive behavior, I think that is a lot.  For the first time in months, I'm feeling the tiniest glimmer of hope.

[babyducks]

It has only been a couple of weeks, so I am trying to stay grounded and realistic.  I know it's unlikely that long-term he is going to be able to continue keeping himself together this way and not backslide.  On the other hand, I'm also trying to give it my all and support him as he is making an effort.  As long as he is making an effort and not going back to abusive behavior, I think that is a lot.  For the first time in months, I'm feeling the tiniest glimmer of hope.

Hi tm006f,

I'm glad you are feeling more hopeful, even if it is a tiny glimmer.   I hope you take some time and give yourself a breather to focus on what you have been through.   And give yourself some time for recovery.

'ducks

[SoSoSoTired]

Please remember this:   In my state, CPS workers will remove a mother's children if she returns to live with a partner that CPS believes is a domestic abuser. An arrest for domestic abuse is all the evidence CPS needs.   If you decide to go to a domestic violence center, be very careful about information you share with the shelter workers.