Do you feel safe with your BPD?

[Samuel S.]

Do you feel safe with your BPD? Such a simple question, but how would you answer this for yourself? Granted, if you did not feel safe, you could decide to leave or not to be in a relationship with your BPD, but for all of us nonBPDs, it really is a complicated one. You invest so much time, so much effort, so much love, so much hope, that you hope that things will change. Sometimes, the change is gradual by them. Sometimes, it seems like forever and a day that they will ever change or, at least, will treat you and themselves with decency and respect which all of us rightfully deserve to have.

The reason to bring up this topic is that, due to having chest pains, I went to the doctor. After some tests turned out to be abnormal, I was transported via. ambulance to an ER at a hospital. A nurse asked the standard questions regarding insurance, my health status, and then she asked: do you feel safe where you live? My natural instinct was to answer no, but I had enough problems not knowing about the cause of my chest pains. So, I answered within a couple of seconds yes. I was lying in part. When my BPDw treats me decently and respectfully, the answer is yes. When my BPDw treats me wtih verbal abuse, the answer is no. BTW, all the tests have shown so far that my heart is fine. One doctor said that due to me previously having 2 bouts of bacterial pneumonia and 1 horrible case of viral pneumonia, that I might be having a chest wall inflammation. So, time will tell what the final answer is.

Also, when I started talking with my T a while back, I explained about the verbal abuse that my BPDw has put me through, and I said that I basically have PTSD, even though she had been treating me decently and respectfully at the time of my visit with my T. My T said that if I were being verbally abused, my T would need to report to the police about this.

Bottom line, there is a lot of support out there for us in our communities. There is a lot of support here on this website. While all of the people out there for us and while the support on this website are all awesome, FOG is prevalent. It takes nerve, courage, and determination to assert ourselves, which is extremely valuable to know, but extremely challenging to practice.

Again, do you feel safe with your BPD? How do you protect yourself?

[Turkish]

In retrospect, I am not sure.

I've been out two years. I haven't been to the doctor in a number of years, but when I went in for an ear infect in over the summer, I was asked if I was safe, was akron's abusing me at home, etc. I was surprised, because in previous years, I knew that they asked my Ex this when I went with her for prenatal appointments. So now they seem to be treating men similarly. I'm curious what the level of verbal abuse is necessary to trigger a Mandatory Report.

That it's affecting you is obvious. What's behind the hesitation to alter the truth?

[Samuel S.]

Turkish, thank you for your reply.

As for the alteration of the truth or simply put lying, there are several reasons. First, there is self-doubt. Yes, I am sometimes unsure. Although I never intentionally create my BPDw to be verbally abusive, I wonder if I unintentionally cause her to act out in that way. Secondly, there is the hope that she won't be verbally abusive from now on. Granted, I know this is illogical, considering her history and considering what I have read on this website. Next, the verbal abuse is somewhat infrequent. Lastly, even if I don't have self-doubt and even if I am not hopeful, I am definitely afraid of the repercussions by her, if I were to have said I do not feel safe in our home. Is she going to make a big stink of it? Will there be legal consequences for us? What will her family say? How will they judge me? Will she harm me due to her anger?

[Turkish]

Valid questions, from a number of angles. I look back and imagine myself a woman, going by the Duluth Model of DV. One case of assault, and one of battery, by the legal definitions. Verbal abuse can be tougher to nail down, though it can be assault from a legal standpoint.

For me, it was more of an almost constant devaluation. I was so despondent the last year that I no longer cared if I lived. That i had kids didnt matter; they'd be set up financially... So it's good that you have the support of a T now. It hadn't occurred to me at the time. The PTSD symptoms came later, as she was leaving, and after she left. I may have not been entirely honest with my T how it was affecting me. Minimilization.