I need someone's opinion...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi,

I thank you all in advance for taking the time to read my junk.

Anyhow, I have been on here for about a month and found this site very helpful.

I have an undiagnosed BPD wife.   I am trying to get feedback from certain situations for all of you to deal better with her. I'm a slow learner and very much a manly, man, so I need to ask for help. .

ANyhow, I've had a roller coaster of emotions from my wife for over 8 years. Lately, since probably last year around this time, she just cannot control her anger about everything.  There's alot  I feel could of caused trauma as well;

1. a car accident

2. arrested for dui

3. financial stresses

4. family stresses

5. childcare issues with nannies, daycares, etc.

6. I was diagnosed at beginning of the year with Hec C.

7. stress at work

Most of these stresses are gone, including hep C. BUt, I feel the stress on her didn't ever change. she stresses about the smallest of things.

Anyhow, We had an issue around a month ago with my oldest son's girlfriend and my wife. Basically, my wife contacted my ex wife and schemed up a plan to "call out" my sons gf for some things she was saying( she is always stirring stuff). Once she called her out, the typical BPD traits come out. NOw nobody supports her ( demozing my ex wife because she hasn't contacted her since). Well, despite my attempts to tell my wife to leave my ex alone and done share personal stuff with her, she does it anyhow. Now, she has beaten me nearly every day about how " oh you say how 'nice' and good person your ex is. You two should be together. "f" you and her. blah blah blah. We get through it for a day and then she attacks again at a random moment.

Well, yesterday, I had a bed a I was taking to my oldest for my grand daughter. I could tell she was being weird. When I came back, I was in a good mood. Walked in the room and she asked me "was C_____ there?" I said "yes." She asked "did you talk to her?" KNowing where she was going with the questions,  I avoided the fact that she came in for a hug and I hugged her. Nonetheless, she asked " did you hug her?"

Reluctantly( almost lied), I said yes!

Wow. She went off! Verbally abused me with every thing that came in her mind. Told me she wanted away from me! I'm evil! I'm no man! Blah blah blah.

I tried to walk away when she started. She just locks the door and starts avoiding me as usual. Most times, this will go on for days. We just started talking again Thursday of last week, when she locked herself away for 4 days.

We made up and continued our plans yesterday.  But, when I asked about her being sorry for the awful things she said, she says she said that when she called me in the room to say she "might of over reacted a little." I mean, am I a b**ch or should I be getting some remorse? at least occasionally? . SHe used to at be sympathetic and cry when she acted like that. Now I only see rage. no tears. No remorse.

What can I do different about my sons girlfriend?  How can I turn my back on my son? Shouldn't she understand we are adults and ultimately, he will be with who he chooses, whether we agree with it or not?

I cannot help my marriage if I am fighting with her about what everyone else perceives of her?  

[Flexion]

Hi,

I thank you all in advance for taking the time to read my junk.

Anyhow, I have been on here for about a month and found this site very helpful.

I have an undiagnosed BPD wife.   I am trying to get feedback from certain situations for all of you to deal better with her. I'm a slow learner and very much a manly, man, so I need to ask for help. .

ANyhow, I've had a roller coaster of emotions from my wife for over 8 years. Lately, since probably last year around this time, she just cannot control her anger about everything.  There's alot  I feel could of caused trauma as well;

1. a car accident

2. arrested for dui

3. financial stresses

4. family stresses

5. childcare issues with nannies, daycares, etc.

6. I was diagnosed at beginning of the year with Hec C.

7. stress at work

Most of these stresses are gone, including hep C. BUt, I feel the stress on her didn't ever change. she stresses about the smallest of things.

Anyhow, We had an issue around a month ago with my oldest son's girlfriend and my wife. Basically, my wife contacted my ex wife and schemed up a plan to "call out" my sons gf for some things she was saying( she is always stirring stuff). Once she called her out, the typical BPD traits come out. NOw nobody supports her ( demozing my ex wife because she hasn't contacted her since). Well, despite my attempts to tell my wife to leave my ex alone and done share personal stuff with her, she does it anyhow. Now, she has beaten me nearly every day about how " oh you say how 'nice' and good person your ex is. You two should be together. "f" you and her. blah blah blah. We get through it for a day and then she attacks again at a random moment.

Well, yesterday, I had a bed a I was taking to my oldest for my grand daughter. I could tell she was being weird. When I came back, I was in a good mood. Walked in the room and she asked me "was C_____ there?" I said "yes." She asked "did you talk to her?" KNowing where she was going with the questions,  I avoided the fact that she came in for a hug and I hugged her. Nonetheless, she asked " did you hug her?"

Reluctantly( almost lied), I said yes!

Wow. She went off! Verbally abused me with every thing that came in her mind. Told me she wanted away from me! I'm evil! I'm no man! Blah blah blah.

I tried to walk away when she started. She just locks the door and starts avoiding me as usual. Most times, this will go on for days. We just started talking again Thursday of last week, when she locked herself away for 4 days.

We made up and continued our plans yesterday.  But, when I asked about her being sorry for the awful things she said, she says she said that when she called me in the room to say she "might of over reacted a little." I mean, am I a b**ch or should I be getting some remorse? at least occasionally? . SHe used to at be sympathetic and cry when she acted like that. Now I only see rage. no tears. No remorse.

What can I do different about my sons girlfriend?  How can I turn my back on my son? Shouldn't she understand we are adults and ultimately, he will be with who he chooses, whether we agree with it or not?

I cannot help my marriage if I am fighting with her about what everyone else perceives of her?  

[Chilibean13]

Sorry for your frustrations. Sadly many BPDs are not able to control themselves when it comes to their emotions. My husband gets bent out of shape about the littlest things.

The one thing that you can do though is control your response. I'm learning don't JADE. DOn't justify, apologize, defend, or explain. They believe what they want to believe and nothing you say will be able to get them to see otherwise. Instead the best way to handle situations is to validate what they were feeling. In your case, she may be feeling scared that you will leave her to get back with your ex.

Validation might sound something like: I can see how hugging my ex-wife would be seem threatening to you. I want you to know that I love you and you are the only person I want to be with. I have to maintain a positive relationship with my ex becuase of the children. What would be a way that would help you feel secure and continue working with her at the same time?

THis puts the onus for coming up with solutions.

[babyducks]

should I be getting some remorse? at least occasionally? . SHe used to at be sympathetic and cry when she acted like that. Now I only see rage. no tears. No remorse.

What can I do different about my sons girlfriend?  How can I turn my back on my son? Shouldn't she understand we are adults and ultimately, he will be with who he chooses, whether we agree with it or not?

I cannot help my marriage if I am fighting with her about what everyone else perceives of her?  

hi Jax,

Yes, in an ideal situation, you should be receiving remorse.   Yes, she should understand that everyone involved is an adult and will make their own individual choices.   No, you can't turn your back on your son.   Things would probably look a lot more that way with a person more capable of maintaining stable relationships.

Chilibean had some nice suggestions about validation.   When I can't come up with a validation, I typically have an easier time with a SET, SUPPORT,EMPATHY,TRUTH.   a SET might look like this,  There has been a lot of stress this year within the family.  I understand why that would wear you down.   I am committed to our marriage.

It's been my experience that I can't validate out of a full blown disregulation.   I need to validate often and early.  When the verbal abuse starts to fly, taking a time out is the best approach...

'ducks