Did anyone else notice the disorder when child was a baby?

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi Everyone! 

Im just interested if anyone else has memories of your child wBPD's behaviour as a baby, which puzzled you at the time, that would tie in with what you now know to be BPD traits.

I can clearly remember my dd was about 18 months old, It was morning and her dad and I were with her in the bedroom, I was pregnant with ds and lay down feeling nauseous when she crawled across the bed to me and smacked me across the face with an angry expression on her face. Her father plonked her down and said 'don't be so naughty!' and she wailed.

I used to often feel, since she was born that she just 'didn't like me' she seemed angry with me somehow, right from birth, but not so much with my parents or her dad!  I just put it down to my inexperience with babies.

My son was very different and seemed very easy going and things always went pretty much as you would expect with him.  Not so with dd - we would be getting along fine and then boom from nowhere a screaming episode.  I even used to call them her 'episodes' but I wasn't serious I thought she was just highly strung.

When she started primary school, I split up from her dad at that time, she would literally cling to me as I dragged her to school and the teacher would peel her off me as I would make my tearful retreat away.

Friends would tut tut at her behaviour and rumours got back to me that I 'lacked discipline' which wasn't really true, we had house rules and routines etc.  She would just defy logic at times.

There was a fair length of time from age about 7 to 12ish when this wasn't happening much, she would be moody with friends at times and often complained of 'bullying' when teachers said they noticed nothing. We were very close during this period and got along well apart from if I attempted a family day out - she would cry all day usually.

When she was about 14 she started having the really bad times where she would rage and say things like 'I hope you die in a fire!'  (when I wouldn't phone in sick to her Saturday job for her!) My mum would mediate then she'd be ok for a time.

My son stopped speaking to her about this time I mean he STOPPED speaking to her and acted like she was invisible.  He did this to protect himself from her rages, he feels bad about that now, since she's been so poorly and in hospital,  but they are fine now and he is the only one she never falls out with or paints black now (one step removed I guess!)

The deaths of my parents triggered a complete mental breakdown, which was horrific she spent 7 months in hospital and they thought it was schitzophrenia for a time.

Now we all understand, she is slowly creeping back to health but its a rocky road as you know. I don't know what her full potential is yet but we're getting there.

Last time I saw dd sh told me she was never bullied at school she just thought she was at the time because she was sensitive and 'didn't fit in somehow'.

I am telling you the story because I strongly believe she was born with BPD, It seems to me like her father was a high-functioning BPD, her was socially odd and also strange and aloof with me.  He threatened to kill me a few times after I left.  He saw the children at weekends but they weren't happy with him.  He got married again and went to live in france with his now wife and daughter (the half sister my children loved!).  He left us to it basically, no real contact and all financial contributions (which had been tiny) stopped - which legally he couldn't be chased for in another country!

I want to demonstrate why I strongly believe BPD to be genetic.  Further traumas seem to bring out to the fore the traits that already exist, these traumas may bounce off another child but nothing bounces off a pwBPD.

What are your thought on this?

[hopeangel]

Hi Everyone! 

Im just interested if anyone else has memories of your child wBPD's behaviour as a baby, which puzzled you at the time, that would tie in with what you now know to be BPD traits.

I can clearly remember my dd was about 18 months old, It was morning and her dad and I were with her in the bedroom, I was pregnant with ds and lay down feeling nauseous when she crawled across the bed to me and smacked me across the face with an angry expression on her face. Her father plonked her down and said 'don't be so naughty!' and she wailed.

I used to often feel, since she was born that she just 'didn't like me' she seemed angry with me somehow, right from birth, but not so much with my parents or her dad!  I just put it down to my inexperience with babies.

My son was very different and seemed very easy going and things always went pretty much as you would expect with him.  Not so with dd - we would be getting along fine and then boom from nowhere a screaming episode.  I even used to call them her 'episodes' but I wasn't serious I thought she was just highly strung.

When she started primary school, I split up from her dad at that time, she would literally cling to me as I dragged her to school and the teacher would peel her off me as I would make my tearful retreat away.

Friends would tut tut at her behaviour and rumours got back to me that I 'lacked discipline' which wasn't really true, we had house rules and routines etc.  She would just defy logic at times.

There was a fair length of time from age about 7 to 12ish when this wasn't happening much, she would be moody with friends at times and often complained of 'bullying' when teachers said they noticed nothing. We were very close during this period and got along well apart from if I attempted a family day out - she would cry all day usually.

When she was about 14 she started having the really bad times where she would rage and say things like 'I hope you die in a fire!'  (when I wouldn't phone in sick to her Saturday job for her!) My mum would mediate then she'd be ok for a time.

My son stopped speaking to her about this time I mean he STOPPED speaking to her and acted like she was invisible.  He did this to protect himself from her rages, he feels bad about that now, since she's been so poorly and in hospital,  but they are fine now and he is the only one she never falls out with or paints black now (one step removed I guess!)

The deaths of my parents triggered a complete mental breakdown, which was horrific she spent 7 months in hospital and they thought it was schitzophrenia for a time.

Now we all understand, she is slowly creeping back to health but its a rocky road as you know. I don't know what her full potential is yet but we're getting there.

Last time I saw dd sh told me she was never bullied at school she just thought she was at the time because she was sensitive and 'didn't fit in somehow'.

I am telling you the story because I strongly believe she was born with BPD, It seems to me like her father was a high-functioning BPD, her was socially odd and also strange and aloof with me.  He threatened to kill me a few times after I left.  He saw the children at weekends but they weren't happy with him.  He got married again and went to live in france with his now wife and daughter (the half sister my children loved!).  He left us to it basically, no real contact and all financial contributions (which had been tiny) stopped - which legally he couldn't be chased for in another country!

I want to demonstrate why I strongly believe BPD to be genetic.  Further traumas seem to bring out to the fore the traits that already exist, these traumas may bounce off another child but nothing bounces off a pwBPD.

What are your thought on this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Reality]

Hopeangel:

The ISSPD website has a recording of several speakers discussing early indications of BPD.

isspd2013.com/Video%20mm%20til%20hjemmeside/HJEMMESIDE/IS%20-%2016%20Thur%20Kron/01.%20Discussant%20-%20Joel%20Paris%20-%20Borderline%20personality%20disorder%20in%20young%20people;%20from%20validity%20to%20intervention.mp3

Key indicators are high novelty seeking, low reward dependence and high harm avoidance.  My son with BPD had all three traits, once he was in a school setting.  He was always looking at everything in a novel way, he didn't respond to social approval and he was very cautious in a social setting, not afraid, just the quintessential outsider, even as a little boy.

My son was a very contented baby.  I will never forget the day though when he was sitting in his little chaise lounge, probably around the age of four months and he just sat there comfortably for two hours just looking round, observing and thinking.  It was unusual.  Very much reminds me now of his last four years spent by himself, watching movies, listening to music, thinking and analyzing.

I also clearly remember the day he came home for lunch in Grade Five and calmly announced, "You know, mum, I am like Jesus Christ."  I asked him what his thinking was.  He replied without self-pity, in a matter of  fact way, "I feel way more pain than other people."  You would never have guessed it from looking at Will or being with him.

He was also extremely funny.  At four months, he imitated the sing-song lilt if my sister talking. It was so accurate.  We laughed and laughed.  He was so much fun.

John Gunderson, Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard University, is now betting on interpersonal hypersensitivity, as being the core problem for people with BPD, rather than emotional dysregulation.  Here is the link to his keynote speech at the ISSPD.

isspd2013.com/Video%20mm%20til%20hjemmeside/HJEMMESIDE/VIDEO/IS-01%20Grand%20Ball/03.%20John%20Gunderson.mov

That is why people with BPD isolate themselves.  My son definitely was like your daughter, feeling rejected at slights and comments that wouldn't bother other people.  That is why he needed a kind, understanding, validating environment.

Reality

[Bracken]

Hi Hopeangel

Yes - my D was a well-behaved baby in most ways - except for extreme separation anxiety. She nursed ALL the time. Though I didn't have to wean her til she was a toddler, even then she was very, very resistant. She would also NEVER sleep in her crib. She would just scream piercingly. People said: "let her scream all night, for a few nights. And then she will get the idea and settle down." But because we lived in an apt  - we simply couldn't do that! So she won --- she ended up sleeping in our bed. 

When she was 2, we got her into her own bed, in her own room - but spent hours every night "tucking her in". One of us would usually end up falling asleep in her bed, exhausted from all the lullaby singing, story reading. (Whereas she would often STILL be awake!)  And then, in the middle of the night, she would wake up and need to be comforted all over again. Nightmares, "monsters in the closet." Plus - she had to have the light on in her room; afraid of the dark.

She simply would NOT take a nap- at any age. A big issue when she went to daycare. That was when we were first told that our D must have a "personality disorder.

Yes - I too had to drag my D crying and screaming to daycare and to school. The staff dreaded our arrival every day, I'm sure.

And in our home too, things got even worse when she turned 14 - and suddenly developed an amazing hostility toward me.

Reality, thanks for your insights about sensitivity.  That  fits with our experiences too. Also, IMAGINATIVENESS. My D was always hyper-imaginative. She could play for hours by herself, esp with dolls. And if she did play with other kids - it always had to be dress-up and fantasy. She was very talented at that. She hated puzzles, and all the "educational" and "skill-building" toys. I still remember: I tried doing one of those "sort by shape" games with her - and all she would do is pretend that the pieces were "birthday cake" - because she was a Princess having a birthday  - and off she went into another story   

[co.jo]

Several of your experiences were similar to mine. As a baby, she was happy, but never once fell asleep nursing- after I had her 3 siblings , I realized how unusual this was.she would go to sleep on a sheepskin with a soother. She was often violent in her pre-school years, biting other children, etc. Also , very imaginative, and played for hours with her playmobil figures. Once hit her cousin after she sat on one her invisible friends on the swing. Very verbal, very smart. School phobia from about age 4 on- also had to be peeled off, and later simply refused to go. Anything could send her into a rage, and she had clothing sensitivities, which we had never heard of- no internet 25 years ago. Used to go into rages over the seams in her socks.

[Reality]

There was a similar thread several years ago and lots of our children had sensitivities to clothes.  Tags had to be cut out of clothing was one common theme.

Reality

[BioAdoptMom3]

Ours seemed to have an extreme sensitivity to loud noises from the time she was just a few months old.  I am not sure if it has something to do with the later BPD diagnosis (she is 14 now and diagnosed with traits) or the fact that her birth mother was a substance abuser and there was a lot of turmoil in the home - violent fights, drug deals, other kids removed, etc. A little later on we began to have a problem with her with separation anxiety, not so much during the day at school, a music lesson or a birthday party, but for spending the night away from home.  She was actually still calling us crying at 1 or 2 AM to come and pick her up when she was close to 13 years old! 

[BioAdoptMom3]

I also vividly remember in Kindergarten and first grade how she hated public praise!  I was a teacher at her school and when her K teacher would tell me that I remember thinking it was so strange for a child to not like praise in front of her peers.  I just thought it was the beginning of some type of social anxiety. A couple of years later her second grade teacher targeted her for testing for the gifted program (she indeed qualified) and that desire to test her was based mostly on personality traits like perfectionism, associating more with older kids than with her peers, etc. 

[hopeangel]

Wow thank you everyone!

These stories are so interesting to me!  I knew I couldn't be the only one to notice things from infancy!

The clothes sensitivity is a revelation - mine had that too, a certain pair of ski pants would be off as soon as they were on every single time!  She mentions them now sometimes jokingly saying 'I just didn't like the feel of the ski pants!'

My daughter also would never say 'hello' back to people right up to recently really, it looked so rude when someone said hi to her and she just looked away!

She also took HOURS to settle to bed, then usually woke screaming and always ended up in my bed just so I could get a bit of sleep!

And the imaginative thing - she would always lead imagination games with her friends and assign them roles to play out her games, they loved it!

This is so interesting! Thank you!

[raytamtay3]

I noticed from an early age that DD didn’t “act” like a lot of kids her age. I had her in daycare from the time she was 9 weeks old, yet by the time she was 4 months old, the staff too would have to peel her from me as she was very clingy.  One time she slapped me across the face (age 2) when I was dropping her off at daycare because she didn’t want to go. At age 5 slapped me across the face when she got mad at me.  

She almost got kicked out of 1 daycare for behavioral issues and I received numerous negative reports daily from other daycare centers. When she started school, much of the same thing. We had a veteran catholic school aid at the after school program my daughter attended say to us that she in all her years had never seen a more disrespectful child. Everyone looked at us like must not discipline our DD when in fact I was always the one who was more of the disciplinary.

She was a total mommy’s girl. Her father would take days off from work to have “daddy daughter days” with her and said when it was just him and her, she was fine. But when I was around, she wanted nothing to do with him.  

Sensitivity to the seams of socks and tags on her clothes. That went away around age 11.

DD also had a very hard time sleeping in her own room and it took until she was 10 to get her to stay in it. She always needed to be entertained and have the focus on her. Could never play alone.

I knew something wasn’t right and wanted to get DD involved in early intervention but her father, my ex, was dead set against it saying we just weren’t consistent enough…

My DS6 is the total opposite.

[jdtm]

I believe that many of the behaviours listed here in the posts are not traits of BPD, but instead, behaviours of severe anxiety.  Those I consider to be anxiety-related are:

- clingy behaviour especially when starting school

- extremely poor sleeping habits, starting at birth

- school phobia, especially during high school

- sensitivity to seams, tags and rough clothing

- being the center of attraction as seen in "praise"

- fear of strangers and certain people as in not saying "hello"

- fear of unfamiliar places and/or the darkness

That being said, I believe that anxiety is often co-morbid with BPD.  However, there are more options for the treatment of anxiety as therapy and/or medication than there are treatment options for BPD or other personality disorders.  The two "disorders" are very, very different.  The rage and meanness and self-centeredness of BPD is usually not displayed in anxiety issues.  But, this is just my opinion ... .

[hopeangel]

Hi jdtm!

My daughter does have anxiety, her meds help her with it, but I always thought that was just part of it all as anxiety is surely a result of emotional instability?

She does definitely have BPD complete with rages and anger but I know it all makes her very anxious.

Do you think it could be possible a person with BPD could possible not suffer anxiety?  I hadn't thought about that?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jdtm]

Yes, I believe that a person could have BPD without anxiety.  And, I believe, that most people with anxiety do not have BPD.  But, this is just a layperson's opinion.

I believe that anxiety is an issue resulting from a hypersensitive section of the brain called the amygdala as well as a chemical imbalance of some sort.  This affects physical, mental and emptional aspects of a person.  I also believe that BPD has extreme self-centredness as its core; although many feel that abandonment issues or negative hypersensitive interpersonal issues are at the core.  Whatever - I do believe that anxiety disorders and personality disorders are genetic in nature.  And I believe both are treatable.

[Gidget]

I did early on didn't know what to call it then. She hated praise said it made her feel uncomfortable. I could remember as early as 5 saying Mommy loves you please talk. I could never get her to share her emotions. Was continuously beaten up for it thru out the years of never caring yet I could never get her to talk. Temper tantrums fear of letting me out of her sight. I felt like all I did all my life was try to get her to see how much I loved her. She was the only person I wasn't myself with I always had to be what she needed that day. I am just so exhausted 37years later and so beaten down

[Gidget]

I believe that many of the behaviours listed here in the posts are not traits of BPD, but instead, behaviours of severe anxiety.  Those I consider to be anxiety-related are:

- clingy behaviour especially when starting school

- extremely poor sleeping habits, starting at birth

- school phobia, especially during high school

- sensitivity to seams, tags and rough clothing

- being the center of attraction as seen in "praise"

- fear of strangers and certain people as in not saying "hello"

- fear of unfamiliar places and/or the darkness

That being said, I believe that anxiety is often co-morbid with BPD.  However, there are more options for the treatment of anxiety as therapy and/or medication than there are treatment options for BPD or other personality disorders.  The two "disorders" are very, very different.  The rage and meanness and self-centeredness of BPD is usually not displayed in anxiety issues.  But, this is just my opinion ... .

My daughter had all of these

[sadi]

Hopeangel: I completely agree with you, my now 15 year old daughter was not like other babies, toddlers or kids. When she was a baby she did not like to be cuddled or held close did not like a snuggly, carseat or the buggy, or car rides  very fussy. Then when she was a toddler I would take her to the park, never ended up staying long she would end up biting someone pinching very mean, I would have parents tell me she is a bad baby that I need to fix that, as if she was a broken toy. I did also have rules, she just had plenty of tantrums. When she started preschool the first day she had a time-out, she had thrown sand in a boys face and knocked him down. From grades pre-kindergarden to grade 4 she had wet herself almost everyday, did not want to use a public washroom because was afraid someone would hear her pee, even today will turn on the tap first. From grades 2 to grade 6 could not keep friends ,would say they were mean to her. Quite a few times I would call the parents to find out what had happened, then to find out it was always my daughter that was the one that was mean. From grades 4 to 8 isolated herself in her room most of the time did not want to hang out with anyone. From around the age of 5 till now has always asked to go to bed very early. But all the doctors always said adhd, which now they tell me she does not.  I hope this has helped . Take care                     

[sadi]

gidgit      My daughter did not like any praise either, would get very angry. also when she hurt herself would never let you near her

[2tomother]

I can completely relate to every one of these posts.

My D would only sleep 20-30 minutes a at time as an infant and nursed every hour-hour and a half. She was particular about the clothing she wore, in fact it had to be "pinchy"... .in other words, the fabric had to be smooth enough so she could pinch and roll it between her fingers. She was very social early on, even as an infant. She loved being around people, was fascinated by them, but only trusted a very few... .and she seemed to be very intuitive about whom she would trust.

We used an Attachment Parenting style and co-sleeping so we just thought the adjustment to her "big girl bed" was just typical of this kind of transition... .hours of rocking, singing and laying beside her until she was asleep. And then there were the night terrors.

I started freaking out when she was about 20 months old and she was lining up her counting bears, by colors and making arrays out of them. She would also do this unusual humming and sometimes shake her hands as she concentrated on fine motor activities... .I was working in a school for children with Autism at the time and asked my colleagues if they thought she was on the spectrum. They said no because she was too social. in fact, as a "typical" peer model in the classroom, she was the one peer they would consistently use to help work on social interactions with the kids on IEP's because she seemed to "get" the kids on the spectrum.

Her ongoing need to move and bounce and sing and climb was pretty consistent with our active lifestyle, but then there was the spinning and persistence in requesting "dubba dutz, daddy!" (Double Lutz). After watching figure skating on TV at 18 months, she begged my husband to throw her up in the air with a spin... .talk about seeking high risk activity as a toddler! If she ever got hurt, she would not like to be comforted and I learned to wait for her to come to me when she was ready.

I began researching Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) and realized she fit the diagnosis to a T... .so our life revolved around activities that fulfilled her sensory needs. She continues to need high sensory input to self-regulate. I do believe that there is a connection to SPD and BPD, and there is building evidence that SPD co-morbid in other diagnoses like ADHD, Autism and anxiety.

I also believe there is a significant connection to PTSD. In my humble opinion, because our kiddos were born with this heightened sensitivity to sensory and emotional input, they are probably more likely to suffer from witnessing or experiencing injustices. My D often gets overwhelmed with emotion when she sees things happen to other kids, and this has been one of her triggers for cutting. I also know in my heart that an early school experience in which a teacher bullied her probably triggered a PTSD response that has gone undetected all these years. I suspect this because she has no memory of several instances when I was called to the school office to calm her down because she was crying hysterically. Every Fall since then, we have dealt with severe school anxiety, to the point that she is now a Junior in HS and is failing every class.

Despite all the sensory and emotional challenges, this beautiful young lady was the envy of her skating friends because when she took the ice, everyone watched... .she can interpret music in such a way that makes your heart stop. Coaches would beg to work with her. And her artwork is also amazingly detailed.

So, these sensitivities are both a curse and a gift... .I just need to find a way to connect and validate so that my D can see and believe in herself again.

[BioAdoptMom3]

I would also like to add that many persons who suffer from BPD are highly intelligent and talented in several areas and many of these traits we have noticed in our kids are also typical of academically gifted and talented children!

Nancy

[Reality]

Fascinating thread... .where does it lead?  Anxiety, autism, giftedness, BPD, hmmmmmm... .

I am interested in any perspectives and insights.

Reality

[Bracken]

I have just read all the posts since I added one here - and it is very interesting and helpful.

More things described by others here that fit our experience with our D when she was a young child:

          * often a strangley apathetic response to praise - or to recognized achievements

          * a CLINGY baby and young child - without being a really CUDDLY one

          * strange "chanting"  of certain phrases, and strange ritualized hand gestures

          * enormous sensitivity to sound

          * inability to deal with transitions during daily routines. For instance, she would make a big scene when it

             time to leave home, to go somewhere - but then when it was time to go back home, she would often

             make a scene about that too.

          * sensitivity to clothes - (but then, I have that too)

And though she was a "good eater" when very young - not fussy - she was very behind with table manners and had a certain impulsive attitude to food that people said was "cute"  . (But by the time she was 12, she had begun having wierdnesses about food -  which eventually became serious eating disorders later on.

Thanks for sharing all this --

[PaulaJeanne]

like most of you:

• extreme separation anxiety
  
  

sensitivity to seams, clothing tags, etc

• when she was in kindergarten or 1st grade, she actually forged my initials on something
  
  

starting at maybe 4 years old she would shriek, tears running down her face, and tell me that one of her older sisters pinched her. They would deny it, but she was soo convincing. Years later she admitted to making that up just for fun!

[/list]

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gidget]

Tantrum lying on floor kicking she would pull hair. Thinking back I now see her extreme attachment to me guess at the time being a single Mom and working she was always with my Mother but never wanted me out of her site. She also seemed calm as long as no one was in my life. 2 boyfriends in 14years. I have began to realize her abandonment issues weren't just with her Father who left her but as much as I was there she fear me gone to. Didn't see it at the time. Thought it might be normal kids just not wanting there mom to go out.

She went on to tell me in college that when I got married she thought I didn't need her anymore. I think really stepping back and being away from her right now has given me some insight that at the time I couldn't see. Taking a lot of stock in myself and self reflecting looking at it thru her eyes now as a child. So hard when we are raising them alone.

[Bracken]

Gidget

I'm sorry you had an extra hard time  -  single parent to a child with such issues. I admire that you are taking stock and doing self-reflection now. I guess that is a big part of what this Forum can be about.

Best wishes - Happy New Year -

[Gidget]

Thanks Bracken, Well we live and learn isn't that what life is about. Wish I knew then what I know now. Never to late. Wisdom you don't acquire except thru failure.

[Kate4queen]

Interesting, if I took my son out in his stroller to the shops and walked even a few feet away from him or around a corner, he'd constantly call out "mum, mum, mum' like sonar until I was right back with him.

He also cried every single day for a whole year when I took him to nursery school at 4. Every Day. But the moment I was out of sight, he'd turn off the tears and be happy and excited to be at school.

He also used to make up stories about being left out or ignored by the staff and because he was also physically disabled I'd go rushing up to the school determined to sort the matter out-only to find it wasn't true.

I realised something was very wrong when he was about ten and when I told him to get on with his homework he very calmly told me that if I made him do anything he didn't like, he'd tell his school counselor that I'd hit him and pushed him down the stairs. Odd.

Of course, most of this was put down to his physical disability and no one wanted to believe what we were seeing anyway because he was so charismatic we were always the bad guys.

Makes sense now of course.

[Mish66]

I have to agree too - my now 15yr old daughter as a baby had sensitivies to clothing and food allergies. I breastfed her until 18 months and found it very difficult to wean her. She wouldn't say hello to people either. Ages 9 until now would prefer to be alone in her room. She has great difficulty keeping friends and still does. She would do massive tantrums if she didn't get her own way and I always felt like I was walking on eggshells when we went out.  But mostly when she was younger her bad behaviour was for home only. She is 3rd child in family of 4 kids and the other 3 kids were very easy babies and still are. They don't want to be alone in their room and now they are all teenagers.

[melbournemum]

This might sound ridiculous but my daughter showed signs of something from birth. She looked at me with eyes full of terror right from the start, a look which has never gone away completely. It's like she has never learnt to trust, certainly not me. Other signs: Wouldn't sleep on her own until 4. Incredibly clingy, would scream if put down as a baby. Refused to physically touch both myself and her dad around 5 years old. Was super sensitive whenever I raised my voice and would act as if I was murdering her. Didn't form strong peer relationships throughout primary school but was tolerated by a lovely group of girls from grade 3 on. However, it wasn't until the hallucinations started around age 17 that we knew something was desperately wrong.

[AVR1962]

My daughter had trouble sleeping. She would say up til 10-11:00 at night. We'd rock her and the second we'd lay her down she was up again. She would wake up at 6-7:00 in morning and once she was a year old she stopped naps completely. She was very bright and spoke early, was speaking full sentences early, wanting to answer the phone by the time she was 5. She loved to color and she loved us reading to her. I was a piano instructor and was able to teach and not hire a sitter, she was that good. She shared her time well between her dad and I, did not seem to favor one over the other. She was the oldest child, the oldest grand child and there would not be another child to share the spot light with anyone until she was almost 5 years old.

It was when our second child was born that my mother noticed a change in our daughter, I didn't notice it so much.

She started into kindergarten and then shortly after that her father left and that is when things changed. This is when she started acting out at school. She was being very hateful towards me. Her school teacher was calling me telling me that she wasn't treating the other girls well, she was also taking over the classroom when the teacher walked out and would get up in front of the classroom and dance and sing. Her teacher suggested counseling so I had her see a counselor at school. The counselor told me she was having a hard time dealing with the divorce and that she had created a fantasy image of her father, one that was not realistic. So her dad was the person she admired and I had to take the blame. Her dad had actually been having an affair and at one point she saw him with the girlfriend's children. He had taken them on a hay ride, a hay ride he had promised to do with her and then cancelled. She was real hurt.

She continued to act out from that point and things have never gotten any better. She is now 34.